s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I found after 10+ years of marriage. Apart from all other marital duties, sex is a part of marriage that absolutely cannot abide any sort of compulsion. Yes, you can guilt-trip your spouse into duty sex with you, but the overall health of your sex life will suffer.

Here are the two guidelines that help us to have it sort of hot:

- accept that as time goes on, there will be ebb and flow in your desire for each other. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from sex for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

- accept that it is better to have less sex of good quality than more bad sex. The key to achieving this is somewhat counter-intuitive, but it is maintaining a level of excitement without bringing it to climax every time, and having generally less sex than we would like. Sexy thoughts, a bit of foreplay, flirtation, some fondling here and there but without expectation that it will lead to intercourse. This can go on for days. Then when we finally have it, it's mind blowing.
Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about sex for a few months. It just is.

I’ve tried but can’t find a single true word in this post. That is unless getting out of the marriage is your goal.

I disagree, and find it to be spot on.

[Anonymous]

I think my wife wrote the OP. SO MUCH of it rings true.

[Anonymous]

Give me a break - with careers, little kids and all that we are all exhausted. But after 12 years my DH and I can still turn each other on and we love it. We may only be able to do it 2-3 times a week but it's our port in the storm. Stop the f---ing whining, it's just an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Another late 30s mom of 3, married 12 years. What I have noticed is that I am truly in the mood the first 2 weeks of my cycle, and really, really don’t want to be touched or bothered the 2nd 2 weeks. So, totally revolves around when I ovulate (and no, definitely not trying to get pregnant). However, the more sex we have, the more I want it... and I always enjoy it. So if we go a week without, I’m less likely to initiate or even really think about it than if we’ve been having sex every day or 2. When we discuss it, I tell DH I am good to go daily the first couple weeks (I am usually jumping him at LEAST every other day), and then if he wants it the 2 following weeks, he needs to initiate and work a little harder at getting me in the mood - and the more he initiates and gets me on board, the easier it is for me to get in the mood. It’s helped to be open about it, but I wish my hormones were a bit more even throughout the month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give me a break - with careers, little kids and all that we are all exhausted. But after 12 years my DH and I can still turn each other on and we love it. We may only be able to do it 2-3 times a week but it's our port in the storm. Stop the f---ing whining, it's just an excuse.

You must not have read the initial post, you weren't invited to this thread. Congrats on your superiority though!

[Anonymous]

For women, part of attraction is literally the instinct to attract a man to you. Once you know that he's "yours," this diminishes. If he suddenly had a big career boost and you began to notice other women giving him attention, you'd probably feel your drive growing again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I found after 10+ years of marriage. Apart from all other marital duties, sex is a part of marriage that absolutely cannot abide any sort of compulsion. Yes, you can guilt-trip your spouse into duty sex with you, but the overall health of your sex life will suffer.

Here are the two guidelines that help us to have it sort of hot:

- accept that as time goes on, there will be ebb and flow in your desire for each other. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from sex for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

- accept that it is better to have less sex of good quality than more bad sex. The key to achieving this is somewhat counter-intuitive, but it is maintaining a level of excitement without bringing it to climax every time, and having generally less sex than we would like. Sexy thoughts, a bit of foreplay, flirtation, some fondling here and there but without expectation that it will lead to intercourse. This can go on for days. Then when we finally have it, it's mind blowing.
Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about sex for a few months. It just is.

I’ve tried but can’t find a single true word in this post. That is unless getting out of the marriage is your goal.

I disagree, and find it to be spot on.

"accept that it is better to have less sex of good quality than more bad sex."

This may be true for women. But for men, sex is more like a regular biological urge, like hunger. It's just a constant thing. It doesn't have these long dormant phases, with occasional bursts of passion like with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give me a break - with careers, little kids and all that we are all exhausted. But after 12 years my DH and I can still turn each other on and we love it. We may only be able to do it 2-3 times a week but it's our port in the storm. Stop the f---ing whining, it's just an excuse.

You must not have read the initial post, you weren't invited to this thread. Congrats on your superiority though!

Please stop with this. It is not helping your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another late 30s mom of 3, married 12 years. What I have noticed is that I am truly in the mood the first 2 weeks of my cycle, and really, really don’t want to be touched or bothered the 2nd 2 weeks. So, totally revolves around when I ovulate (and no, definitely not trying to get pregnant). However, the more sex we have, the more I want it... and I always enjoy it. So if we go a week without, I’m less likely to initiate or even really think about it than if we’ve been having sex every day or 2. When we discuss it, I tell DH I am good to go daily the first couple weeks (I am usually jumping him at LEAST every other day), and then if he wants it the 2 following weeks, he needs to initiate and work a little harder at getting me in the mood - and the more he initiates and gets me on board, the easier it is for me to get in the mood. It’s helped to be open about it, but I wish my hormones were a bit more even throughout the month.

A dh here. Mid 30s, 3 kids, together since college.

Would love this. I'd be very alright with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read that other thread and it's a bunch of fighting about whether men should "open" their relationships after wives cut them off and some self righteous female PPs throwing their 2 cents in about how they're superior because they don't have this problem. Thanks for that, your contribution was really helpful

So it seems like many of us agree that this eventually becomes a problem for a lot of people.*

What is the solution? I am a late 30s mom of three kids, married for 15 years, and I only desire sex about once a month (probably when I'm ovulating - though I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore so I can't track that). I have sex with my husband 1-2x a week however because I know that once a month isn't going to cut it. But I would like to genuinely desire sex more often than that.

At the end of a busy day, usually I just want to chill on my own and read my book for 20 minutes before going to sleep. I don't have the energy to fulfill one more person's needs. That's often what psyching myself up for sex feels like - checking off something on my to do list. When we get into it, I do have an orgasm and I think "why would I want to live without this?" but then it goes right back to the same problem.

My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem. I don't know what is? Maybe the novelty? The other stress in my life? The SSR I take? I don't think it's the medication because I do genuinely desire sex more often on vacation but that is hard to replicate in my daily life.

What are the solutions that work for you guys?


*IF this doesn't apply to you, FEEL FREE to stay out of this thread.

so as a man, who had an ex DW that could go without sex the rest of her life, and found a new woman that LOVES sex every other day, once he puts it inside, doesn't it feel good? how is it that hard, if you know it will feel good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem

Nice try OP but this quote identifies you as a complete troll! Everybody knows that when a wife loses interest in sex it is 100% the fault of her husband. Now go back to your red pill forums and stop interjecting absurd claims to DCUM about a woman simply losing interest in sex with her long term partner. That NEVER happens.

[Anonymous]

^^ “Putting it inside” is the last step of turning someone on, at least a woman you’ve been with for a while. I know for me, I need plenty of foreplay/playfulness/other touching before I’m in the mood enough for actual PIV insertion. But yes, when we’ve done all that, it feels good. It’s a mind issue, and the body follows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have kids?

Are you a troll, pp? She already said she has three!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that other thread and it's a bunch of fighting about whether men should "open" their relationships after wives cut them off and some self righteous female PPs throwing their 2 cents in about how they're superior because they don't have this problem. Thanks for that, your contribution was really helpful

So it seems like many of us agree that this eventually becomes a problem for a lot of people.*

What is the solution? I am a late 30s mom of three kids, married for 15 years, and I only desire sex about once a month (probably when I'm ovulating - though I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore so I can't track that). I have sex with my husband 1-2x a week however because I know that once a month isn't going to cut it. But I would like to genuinely desire sex more often than that.

At the end of a busy day, usually I just want to chill on my own and read my book for 20 minutes before going to sleep. I don't have the energy to fulfill one more person's needs. That's often what psyching myself up for sex feels like - checking off something on my to do list. When we get into it, I do have an orgasm and I think "why would I want to live without this?" but then it goes right back to the same problem.

My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem. I don't know what is? Maybe the novelty? The other stress in my life? The SSR I take? I don't think it's the medication because I do genuinely desire sex more often on vacation but that is hard to replicate in my daily life.

What are the solutions that work for you guys?


*IF this doesn't apply to you, FEEL FREE to stay out of this thread.

so as a man, who had an ex DW that could go without sex the rest of her life, and found a new woman that LOVES sex every other day, once he puts it inside, doesn't it feel good? how is it that hard, if you know it will feel good?

PP, How long are you with the new wife/girlfriend? You may be in the honeymoon period if under 2 years. Statistically speaking once you divorce you are more likely to divorce again because you ( in general people) start thinking if life isn't perfect ( like the movies) than you will get out sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was your sex drive like pre-kids? It seems like a lot of low-average sex drive people become low drive post kids.

Yep, they had sex more because they knew it would trap the target. It's not hard to figure out when some one prioritizes the house cleaning over the marriage.

I'm not surprised your sex life is lacking, you are clueless and self centered.