s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?

[Anonymous]

Male here, but DW and I were in similar situation. I read somewhere online to try acting like you did when you first dated. You were always trying to put your best version of yourself and after time and comfort you stop.
I started sending love you text and really enjoyed last night text to DW. Made an attempt to be more touchy everyday. Wasn't long I would come home, DW is SAH, and she would have makeup on and treating me like we just started/newlyweds. She is asking for sex more often and isn't turning me down either.
Might be worth a try, btw married 18 years together for 20

[Anonymous]

It’s your birth control that ruins your libido. Go see a reproductive endocrinologist and get it figured out.
This country and what it does to women is just maddeningly ridiculous - how many men are on libido ruining birth control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:any women tried testorone cream? I know some drs will prescribe it off label. Hard to get the dosing right so it doesn't masculinize you but some women swear it was life changing for them.

Yes. And it’s not hard to get the dosing right so it doesn’t ‘masculinization you’. It’s easy. I take a prescription cream specifically for women from Australia and I got it from my doctor. I just rub a little in each day and it just keeps my sex drive going a bit after menopause. I’m also less tired and can exercise a bit more like I used to. I also feel more like myself emotionally.
I have no masculine issues, no acne, no issues at all. It has dosing for women right on the label and I make sure to use a little less.
Go see a reproductive endocrinologist. My regular doctor , OB and regular endocrinologist were no help at all.

It’s the birth control that is doing this to you though probably - that time just before you ovulate is your monthly sexual peak, I’d hate to miss that. Anyone ever thought of just using condoms?

[Anonymous]

-Definitely something that's worth talking to your gyn about, and if they have no useful advice (which is ridiculous but often the case) ask them what specialist you should go see

-Understand that for many women it's normal for physical intimacy to lead to desire, and it's okay not to have this intense free floating desire, as long as you know that once you get started you will enjoy sex

-build some erotic space in your life (kind of like finding time to work out) to read an erotic novel or watch porn or fantasize or do whatever works to help you feel more sexual

-talk openly with your DH, and encourage him to find ways to build your erotic life outside of the once a week when you are actually having sex (and I agree with the pp who suggested thinking back to when you were first dating and what worked for you back then)

I think you have to get away from the idea that if it takes work it's not natural, and move to a mindset where you think if it's important to you then you invest time and energy it it.

[Anonymous]

I had a good marriage but my marriage became better with more sex. DH also amped up his bedroom game, got me a bunch of toys, became more adventurous, there was a lot more communication in and out of the bedroom and he got medical help for low testosterone. We were in a bad place at one time (a few years of no sex) and have gone to having sex several times a week.

Health is paramount. After that, it is important to make sex a priority in your marriage. A priority over work, over chores, over cleaning the house. What does that mean? Ladies, if you have low energy, then take a nap. Leave the chores aside if you do not have the energy. Take a nap, revive, so that you have the energy to make sex a priority for yourself and your DH. Trust me, your DH is an adult. He can fix his own dinner. Regardless of what others write here - sex is not something that only men want, women want and crave sex too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s your birth control that ruins your libido. Go see a reproductive endocrinologist and get it figured out.
This country and what it does to women is just maddeningly ridiculous - how many men are on libido ruining birth control?

+ 1.

Use condoms. Any BC pill will ruin your libido. I cannot understand why women are buying that bullshit. And if you are married and have already had your 2-3 kids, ask DH to get a vasectomy. You can go without a condom and be as spontaneous as you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm right there with you, OP. Been married 10 years, 2 very young kids, and I work about 55 hours per week. DH does a lot with the kids and around the house but I'm continually tired and stressed out. I was probably low-to-average drive before kids, and now it's basically gone. It sucks. I feel so guilty about it.

So, no advice. Just commiseration.

How does your DH feel about it? If you don't solve the problem he will solve it elsewhere.

Super helpful, thanks. In any event, what does it matter? This thread isn't about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your birth control that ruins your libido. Go see a reproductive endocrinologist and get it figured out.
This country and what it does to women is just maddeningly ridiculous - how many men are on libido ruining birth control?

+ 1.

Use condoms. Any BC pill will ruin your libido. I cannot understand why women are buying that bullshit. And if you are married and have already had your 2-3 kids, ask DH to get a vasectomy. You can go without a condom and be as spontaneous as you want.

+2

I was on birth control once for a few months, it killed my drive. Never again. Condoms are fine, maybe DH will be a vasectomy sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:any women tried testorone cream? I know some drs will prescribe it off label. Hard to get the dosing right so it doesn't masculinize you but some women swear it was life changing for them.

Yes. And it’s not hard to get the dosing right so it doesn’t ‘masculinization you’. It’s easy. I take a prescription cream specifically for women from Australia and I got it from my doctor. I just rub a little in each day and it just keeps my sex drive going a bit after menopause. I’m also less tired and can exercise a bit more like I used to. I also feel more like myself emotionally.
I have no masculine issues, no acne, no issues at all. It has dosing for women right on the label and I make sure to use a little less.
Go see a reproductive endocrinologist. My regular doctor , OB and regular endocrinologist were no help at all.

It’s the birth control that is doing this to you though probably - that time just before you ovulate is your monthly sexual peak, I’d hate to miss that. Anyone ever thought of just using condoms?

DP. That's not necessarily true. I stopped using BC over 10 years ago and haven't noticed any change whatsoever. And many women use non-hormonal BC. Stopping BC may be enough for some women to see improvement, but overall it's not quite that simple.

[Anonymous]

I have to laugh about acting like we did when we first started dating. I was a drunken idiot back then. I'd hang out at the bar. She'd come and find me. We'd have a few beers then go back to my place to have sex.

No way she'd appreciate me reverting to that.

[Anonymous]

The solution is a move away from the nuclear family unit.

The nuclear family unit puts too much stress on the parents. If you had your mom or someone else helping with the kids and with other household stuff, you will feel more relaxed and energized and therefore more horny.

Vacations are like magic for me too. But you can create a flirty, unfamiliar scenario at home if you have the time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married over 30 years and except for just before and after childbirth I don't believe we've ever gone over two weeks without sex. Right now we average 1-2 times a week (did it last night) and that's been our average ever since we had children. Even before that 3x was likely our high point. We've always been very good friends and he's always been very helpful around the house so I can't give him any grief on that issue. We've both stayed in pretty good shape and my DH has always been affectionate and loving so sex isn't the only time I feel loved. So, I think desire comes from friendship, sharing and that sex is just part of that. If you're not friends and rowing in the same boat I can see why their would be a lack of desire. For me sex is about making love, not just getting laid regardless of how much I enjoy getting laid.

That might be true, but some women have more libido than others(same with men). It is not necessary the friendship. Maybe you and your DH are the perfect sex match for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your birth control that ruins your libido. Go see a reproductive endocrinologist and get it figured out.
This country and what it does to women is just maddeningly ridiculous - how many men are on libido ruining birth control?

+ 1.

Use condoms. Any BC pill will ruin your libido. I cannot understand why women are buying that bullshit. And if you are married and have already had your 2-3 kids, ask DH to get a vasectomy. You can go without a condom and be as spontaneous as you want.

+2

I was on birth control once for a few months, it killed my drive. Never again. Condoms are fine, maybe DH will be a vasectomy sometime.

+3, birth control MURDERS your libido. I could not believe how horny I felt once I came off it, after having been on it forever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I found after 10+ years of marriage. Apart from all other marital duties, sex is a part of marriage that absolutely cannot abide any sort of compulsion. Yes, you can guilt-trip your spouse into duty sex with you, but the overall health of your sex life will suffer.

Here are the two guidelines that help us to have it sort of hot:

- accept that as time goes on, there will be ebb and flow in your desire for each other. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from sex for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

- accept that it is better to have less sex of good quality than more bad sex. The key to achieving this is somewhat counter-intuitive, but it is maintaining a level of excitement without bringing it to climax every time, and having generally less sex than we would like. Sexy thoughts, a bit of foreplay, flirtation, some fondling here and there but without expectation that it will lead to intercourse. This can go on for days. Then when we finally have it, it's mind blowing.
Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about sex for a few months. It just is.

I’ve tried but can’t find a single true word in this post. That is unless getting out of the marriage is your goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are? One thing she discusses is that women tend to have a more reactive sex drive — we don’t sit there and just get turned on the way men do, it’s usually in the context of things already getting sexy. So building in time to your schedule when you can want it helps.

I haven't read this, but have seen it recommended so many times. So what is the recommendation for women to help us get there? Like what are we to react to?

I do generally have to get myself in the right headspace before I can even entertain the idea. It's inconvenient.