s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
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Anonymous
I read that other thread and it's a bunch of fighting about whether men should "open" their relationships after wives cut them off and some self righteous female PPs throwing their 2 cents in about how they're superior because they don't have this problem. Thanks for that, your contribution was really helpful 
So it seems like many of us agree that this eventually becomes a problem for a lot of people.* What is the solution? I am a late 30s mom of three kids, married for 15 years, and I only desire sex about once a month (probably when I'm ovulating - though I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore so I can't track that). I have sex with my husband 1-2x a week however because I know that once a month isn't going to cut it. But I would like to genuinely desire sex more often than that. At the end of a busy day, usually I just want to chill on my own and read my book for 20 minutes before going to sleep. I don't have the energy to fulfill one more person's needs. That's often what psyching myself up for sex feels like - checking off something on my to do list. When we get into it, I do have an orgasm and I think "why would I want to live without this?" but then it goes right back to the same problem. My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem. I don't know what is? Maybe the novelty? The other stress in my life? The SSR I take? I don't think it's the medication because I do genuinely desire sex more often on vacation but that is hard to replicate in my daily life. What are the solutions that work for you guys? *IF this doesn't apply to you, FEEL FREE to stay out of this thread. |
Anonymous
| At the end of a long day I often take a hot shower or bath (rarely have time for that) and that helps me unwind thus get in the mood. |
Anonymous
| Don't have kids? |
Anonymous
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I'm pretty sure that I would be in the mood more if I wasn't so damn tired all the time. Fatigue is a libido-killer. And, like you, it can feel like a chore, like one more thing that someone wants of me. I'm just drained at the end of the day. I have nothing to suggest because what I need is more sleep, and I just can't make that happen.
In my case, though, it doesn't happen unless I initiate (my husband wants to feel "desired," and apparently doesn't care that I do, too) so it's even worse. |
Anonymous
| Yes, fatigue is the worst. No matter what I do, I'm just so tired all the damn tired. Frequently having to work evenings and weekends, plus attend to the needs of two little kids, means my desire for anything other than sleep/relaxation is dead. I hope it's just a phase. |
Anonymous
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Do you use a vibrator during sex?
Do you get 8 hrs of sleep a night? What is your general health? Do you resent your H for anything? |
Anonymous
| ^^^ oh yea... do you easily O each time? |
Anonymous
| OP, once you figure out the answer, you'll be rich! |
Anonymous
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OP I feel you. I am exactly the same way except that I want it once a week (I would masturbate if DH was out). I also do it 3 times a week and take it as something I need to cross off my to do list. I also enjoy it (90% of the times). I also want it more when the kids are gone (grandparents) or we are on vacation. Before the kids (even during first pregnancy) I wanted it everyday. I think there is NOTHING wrong with us. In my case I don’t even sleep with DH (each sleep with one kid so we sleep more) so that does not help because we need to plan sex after kids are asleep (not a big deal, but still).
I think/hope that once the kids are older (like elementary or middle school) we will have more time to relax. I never relax except for that hour between my kids are asleep and I go to bed and every other day half of that is spent having sex... it sounds depressing, but I am actually happy and I do feel like I have it all (kids, career, great husband, good sex life) it just takes a lot of effort to have it all... |
Anonymous
OP here. I get enough sleep, I have good health in general (though I take an anti depressant for anxiety and depression), I probably don’t get enough exercise but at least I walk every day for ~ 45 min on my lunch break), I do O every time. I don’t know what the problem is? ???? I think some of it is just busyness from the kids. This one has a baseball game, that one has a test I need to quiz him for, the third one has a project due and needs materials and help etc. etc. every week. Sex often just feels like one more demand on my time when all I really want to do is relax by myself with no one needing or asking anything of me. I don’t know what the answer to that is. I do feel like I’d want to do it more if we could do it in the middle of the afternoon when I have more energy. But we both work so... Does anyone else relate to this? We have older kids so it’s not fatigue related to not STTN (BTDT x3). |
Anonymous
| I don't know a single woman who gets divorced and hasn't found her sex drive. Those women are more tired than anyone, but not to tired for sex. Monogamy most always is water on the fire. |
Anonymous
+1 The problem is monogamy and that culturally we expect couples to be having pornstar sex for 20 + years multiple times a week. That’s not realistic or natural to expect. |
Anonymous
| I heard weed lube is amazing. Trying to figure out where/how to buy. Anyone? |
Anonymous
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What was your sex drive like pre-kids? It seems like a lot of low-average sex drive people become low drive post kids.
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Anonymous
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1) weed. No joke
2) hard, heart-pounding, sweaty exercise |