Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

Hi, OP here. I wanted to stop because there was absolutely no investment from her. She won't let me enjoy her, she just lays there and I can tell that she just wants to get it over with. Its not about me, I'm not a horny guy that wants crazy sex every day, I have tried even just getting her off without expecting anything in return and even that was met with lukewarm at best response. Its not the lack of sex, its the lack of having a wife that wants to be my wife that has me where I am. Sure, she is a good friend and we get along well, but I don't have sex with my good friends, I have sex with my wife. She is the only outlet I chose for a romantic physical connection and she has shut it down-for whatever reason. I'm not even really mad at her, I don't think she wants to have this type of relationship, but at this point I don't see her as a romantic partner, someone that just lives there. I went home for lunch because I live there and that is where I always go to for lunch, she just happened to be there sick today. She's not appalling, we get through the day to day fine, feeding kids, going shopping etc. I just find that I don't really care that much about engaging with her after repeated attempts to have a marital relationship.

Did you or she have any minor complaints about sex before it all went down the drain? Besides sex, what are the conflicts in your marriage? Feeding kids and going shopping don't fill the day.
What's interesting to me is that you don't see your wife as a sexual object. People break up, have no sex with the person for years, but still want them. Did you settle when you got married or did she rock your world?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy.

is there a thread on this forum where this isn't someone's advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

Hi, OP here. I wanted to stop because there was absolutely no investment from her. She won't let me enjoy her, she just lays there and I can tell that she just wants to get it over with. Its not about me, I'm not a horny guy that wants crazy sex every day, I have tried even just getting her off without expecting anything in return and even that was met with lukewarm at best response. Its not the lack of sex, its the lack of having a wife that wants to be my wife that has me where I am. Sure, she is a good friend and we get along well, but I don't have sex with my good friends, I have sex with my wife. She is the only outlet I chose for a romantic physical connection and she has shut it down-for whatever reason. I'm not even really mad at her, I don't think she wants to have this type of relationship, but at this point I don't see her as a romantic partner, someone that just lives there. I went home for lunch because I live there and that is where I always go to for lunch, she just happened to be there sick today. She's not appalling, we get through the day to day fine, feeding kids, going shopping etc. I just find that I don't really care that much about engaging with her after repeated attempts to have a marital relationship.

Did you or she have any minor complaints about sex before it all went down the drain? Besides sex, what are the conflicts in your marriage? Feeding kids and going shopping don't fill the day.
What's interesting to me is that you don't see your wife as a sexual object. People break up, have no sex with the person for years, but still want them. Did you settle when you got married or did she rock your world?

Hi, no sex was pretty good, not as much as I would want and not as intense as I would have wanted but it was good for us from what I could tell. I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended. I have been a few girls that "rocked my world" sexually and I did not nor do I expect that my wife was like that.
The women that rocked my world were total disasters as people, so I guess that was the trade off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No advice, but that sounds very familiar to my situation. I've told my wife that I think the lack of sex is a problem, but she hasn't done anything noticeable to improve that aspect of our marriage. I recommended a book and, when she couldn't be bothered to read it, I think that's when I kind of gave up.

Was it the Love Languages book? I couldn't be bothered to read it either when my DH suggested it. All he wanted to do was drive home the point that "touch" is his "language" -- whatever the book would have said was my language wouldn't have mattered so I couldn't be bothered. He just wanted ammunition to use to force me to have sex.

No. It was "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

I thought it was very insightful about women's sex drives -- talking about brakes, gas, and responsive desire. I don't know whether or not it would have ultimately helped our sex life, but the fact that my wife couldn't be bothered to make even this minimal level of non-sexual effort was really hurtful to me.

[Anonymous]

Has she noticed that you’re checked out, or emotionally distant? You haven’t explicitly told her, but has she felt the difference?

If you aren’t honest with her about your feelings then you’ll grow more and more distant. You must tell her - not that you “don’t care”, but that you’re not feeling emotionally connected to her. Don’t let her crying stop you - your marriage is in crisis and it’s okay if she cries. Reassure her that you’re not going anywhere, but don’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she noticed that you’re checked out, or emotionally distant? You haven’t explicitly told her, but has she felt the difference?

If you aren’t honest with her about your feelings then you’ll grow more and more distant. You must tell her - not that you “don’t care”, but that you’re not feeling emotionally connected to her. Don’t let her crying stop you - your marriage is in crisis and it’s okay if she cries. Reassure her that you’re not going anywhere, but don’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

I don't know if he's told her that he has checked out, but it sounds like he's told her about problems in their marriage quite a few times and in quite a few ways and it hasn't led to changes. And it's not like he hasn't communicated the severity of the situation -- whatever he has said has been dire enough to make her cry. Is there reason to think that this next conversation is going to do the trick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy.

is there a thread on this forum where this isn't someone's advice?

When you have it, you realize how powerful it is with a good counselor. When you don't have it, you make reckless decisions with good intention. Critical times, they are warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are complaining about how you don’t have a good sex life but it doesn’t sound like you are doing much to improve things.

Remember back when you were single out there in the world dating and having sex? Do you think you would have ever gotten laid with a “dad bod” and an inability to even feign interest in a woman’s interests?

Exactly. You claim you love this woman, yet you "just don't really care." People treat good friends better than you treat your wife, OP. What does that say about you?

The woman is crying about not being able to give you what you want, for Pete's sake. Do you think she wants to be that miserable? You do not come off like someone who has empathy for what she is going through.

Understand her, and beg her for an open marriage. But you have to truly empathize with her before expecting her to empathize with you.

I would give my husband an open marriage in this situation. But I/he would also be a much more empathetic spouse than you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are complaining about how you don’t have a good sex life but it doesn’t sound like you are doing much to improve things.

Remember back when you were single out there in the world dating and having sex? Do you think you would have ever gotten laid with a “dad bod” and an inability to even feign interest in a woman’s interests?

Exactly. You claim you love this woman, yet you "just don't really care." People treat good friends better than you treat your wife, OP. What does that say about you?

The woman is crying about not being able to give you what you want, for Pete's sake. Do you think she wants to be that miserable? You do not come off like someone who has empathy for what she is going through.

Understand her, and beg her for an open marriage. But you have to truly empathize with her before expecting her to empathize with you.

I would give my husband an open marriage in this situation. But I/he would also be a much more empathetic spouse than you are.

I read OP's posts a lot differently than you guys. It sounded to me like he was doing a lot to improve the marriage, but none of them worked. I don't know if you just started the story when he had checked out, but if you read what he wrote about the back story, he was trying really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

how many divorces do you currently have under your belt? I bet at least 2 if not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

I would like to see you pregnant three times in 8 years! Then come back and see if you want to have sex after all that. You aren't doing wife any favors if you no longer care enough to talk to her. It sounds like you think you are a "good" dad and husband but, I don't think you are. Yes, I'm judging because you told us your story.

Just remember if you leave your wife for someone else it will happen again and you will keep leaving people. Life is not like the movies. It can't be exciting all the time. Either tell your wife how you feel and get counseling for yourself first or let your poor wife find someone who wants to grow old with her, not the younger version of herself that we can't be anymore.

Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

That is right, people do indeed change!! For example back when I got married I was a strong believer in monogamy. It used to make me feel really good to only have sex with my spouse. But over time I have lost my desire to remain monogamous. My wife still thinks we should have a monogamous marriage, this is still very important to her, so when she talks to me about it I just cry and explain to her that I’m a bad husband, and then I just go right on with my non monogamous lifestyle.

The rest of our marriage is pretty great, I don’t want to divorce, why do some people (especially women) make such a big deal over just this one thing, as if the whole marriage is all about monogamy and nothing else matters? How can I explain to my wife she’s just really being selfish and to just accept the fact people change and she should just love me for who I am.

[Anonymous]

my crazy sex drive dwindled after marriage, kids, etc. Familiarity didn't breed contempt but certain didn't spark desire either and we were never each other's perfect sexual match. That being said, I know its crucial to marriage and the less you do, the less you want to do, but the opposite is true as well. I make time for it, got some toys, and think of it as a cheaper and more fun and likely more effective version of marriage counseling. It pains me to think that OPs wife would be throwing her marriage away like this, when everything else works and there are kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

Hi, OP here. I wanted to stop because there was absolutely no investment from her. She won't let me enjoy her, she just lays there and I can tell that she just wants to get it over with. Its not about me, I'm not a horny guy that wants crazy sex every day, I have tried even just getting her off without expecting anything in return and even that was met with lukewarm at best response. Its not the lack of sex, its the lack of having a wife that wants to be my wife that has me where I am. Sure, she is a good friend and we get along well, but I don't have sex with my good friends, I have sex with my wife. She is the only outlet I chose for a romantic physical connection and she has shut it down-for whatever reason. I'm not even really mad at her, I don't think she wants to have this type of relationship, but at this point I don't see her as a romantic partner, someone that just lives there. I went home for lunch because I live there and that is where I always go to for lunch, she just happened to be there sick today. She's not appalling, we get through the day to day fine, feeding kids, going shopping etc. I just find that I don't really care that much about engaging with her after repeated attempts to have a marital relationship.

Did you or she have any minor complaints about sex before it all went down the drain? Besides sex, what are the conflicts in your marriage? Feeding kids and going shopping don't fill the day.
What's interesting to me is that you don't see your wife as a sexual object. People break up, have no sex with the person for years, but still want them. Did you settle when you got married or did she rock your world?

Hi, no sex was pretty good, not as much as I would want and not as intense as I would have wanted but it was good for us from what I could tell. I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended. I have been a few girls that "rocked my world" sexually and I did not nor do I expect that my wife was like that.
The women that rocked my world were total disasters as people, so I guess that was the trade off.

One of you needs to get off the merry go round first - and I can't tell you who because there's obviously something deeper going on here. Like another PP wrote, I can't imagine a wife not being able to even fake some enthusiasm once a week for 20-30 minutes. Any idea why can't even do that for you? If you're really treating her well - date nights, helping around house, spending time as a family, etc. - then to me, that's a red flag for her. But now you're just going around and around now, where you just don't even try anymore and she obviously isn't going to start wanting to have sex everyday with someone who doesn't care.

DCUM throws out counseling a lot because sometimes, it's more effective to hear the same advice we give ourselves from a third party. They don't have some magical secret, but it's just human nature. You may try starting there.