Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, looking at your time line, she probably married you because her biological clock was ticking, and she was never that passionate about you.

So after years and kids and everyday demands, naturally she's feeling it even less. But you need it.

The way human nature works, and it works against us in mid-life crisis within a long-term relationship, is that you detach more and more without the sexual bond. And she will sense when she's lost you, and her instinctive reaction will likely be to charge into passionate/hysterical sex mode, at which time you two will have passionate sex again for a while to rebond. Then it will die down again.

Of course, your growing detachment may mean you are too far gone for her to pull you back at that point.

None of these things are conscious manipulations. It's just how human nature in long-term relationships between men and women works.

The trick is to find non-harmful ways to trigger bonding instincts, and not let it go too far so that the pair bond is so broken that people become indifferent.

Most sensible post in this thread. Also, kind of a sad view of women in general that many of us come to recognize. They will use sex to get what they want. When there is nothing further to be gained by sex, they will end it. It appears that OPs wife sensed she was losing him and that didn't work for her. She wisely saw the future without him and decided she needed to take one for the team. I don't fault him for thinking it's probably not sustainable or any real change. But hey, OP, at least you finally got laid.

[Anonymous]

A woman here. Was about to suggest what seemed to start working for you.

You were too soft and didn't act like a man. You complain, wife cries, life goes back to normal with you jumping out of your skin for her. She thinks it wasn't such a big deal and everything is great again in your marriage.

I was about to suggest moving out of your bedroom. No sex, you are inconvenienced in terms of TV... Your actions will make her understand your feelings. If you keep inviting her on dates, texting her and bringing soup....well it shows that you love her still the same so no sex is no big deal.

So if you are feeling distant, behave like it. Seems to be working.

I am married to a testosterony jerk (well he never brought me soup to bed and certainly did me no favors when we were fighting or he was upset), and our sex sizzles. When we get to having it, I never say no because I can't resist. 17 years of marriage and five kids, I am 43, he is older, and does almost nothing to help with the kids or the household.

I am not saying you should become a jerk, but grow a backbone and act, don't just talk and write letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A woman here. Was about to suggest what seemed to start working for you.

You were too soft and didn't act like a man. You complain, wife cries, life goes back to normal with you jumping out of your skin for her. She thinks it wasn't such a big deal and everything is great again in your marriage.

I was about to suggest moving out of your bedroom. No sex, you are inconvenienced in terms of TV... Your actions will make her understand your feelings. If you keep inviting her on dates, texting her and bringing soup....well it shows that you love her still the same so no sex is no big deal.

So if you are feeling distant, behave like it. Seems to be working.

I am married to a testosterony jerk (well he never brought me soup to bed and certainly did me no favors when we were fighting or he was upset), and our sex sizzles. When we get to having it, I never say no because I can't resist. 17 years of marriage and five kids, I am 43, he is older, and does almost nothing to help with the kids or the household.

I am not saying you should become a jerk, but grow a backbone and act, don't just talk and write letters.

HI, OP here. This is pretty much what I a doing. Just doing my own thing, going out with my buddies when I can etc. I have thought about sleeping in the downstairs, honestly there is no real reason to sleep with her at this point, and at least downstairs I can watch what I want and sleep in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you don't want a divorce but maybe she does? Sounds like you're not well matched but it sounds like you could be friends and good co-parenting partners.

OP here, no I wouldn't think so. She is pretty happy. If you asked her if our marriage would good she would say its great. Its almost like she is blind to the fact that the sex issue is so big, even though I have told her multiple times that it is. We are well matched as husband and wife, just not lovers-though we used to be. She was never a nymph or anything but it was good, enough for me to want to sign up for it for the rest of my life We are good friends, and co parents, just that's not what I want from my wife.

OP, I don't mean this in a nasty way, but have you considered the possibility that from her perspective, you are not able to meet her sexual needs? Forgive me for saying, and this may not apply to you, but from a women's perspective a lot of men are complete klutzes in bed. I used to be in a relationship where I finally stopped wanting sex b/c it was too much work for very little reward, and the guy seemed completely unable to change his approach, no matter how much I tried to get him to understand. I felt bad because I knew it made him sad, but short of saying, "Dude, you suck in bed," I couldn't figure out a way to get through to him. We broke up now I'm with someone who is much more sexually savvy, and that issue is gone.

If you truly think that is not it, I agree with many of the posters who urge counseling. I would also say: get an au pair; hire a nanny; find some ways to reduce the pressure and exhaustion of three young kids and be able to get away for a bit together. I do think that marriages have their own sine waves. There will be periods where you feel very emotionally connected and periods where you're just tired or irritable and don't feel close. If you basically like and respect her, give this time. You may yet get past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you don't want a divorce but maybe she does? Sounds like you're not well matched but it sounds like you could be friends and good co-parenting partners.

OP here, no I wouldn't think so. She is pretty happy. If you asked her if our marriage would good she would say its great. Its almost like she is blind to the fact that the sex issue is so big, even though I have told her multiple times that it is. We are well matched as husband and wife, just not lovers-though we used to be. She was never a nymph or anything but it was good, enough for me to want to sign up for it for the rest of my life We are good friends, and co parents, just that's not what I want from my wife.

OP, I don't mean this in a nasty way, but have you considered the possibility that from her perspective, you are not able to meet her sexual needs? Forgive me for saying, and this may not apply to you, but from a women's perspective a lot of men are complete klutzes in bed. I used to be in a relationship where I finally stopped wanting sex b/c it was too much work for very little reward, and the guy seemed completely unable to change his approach, no matter how much I tried to get him to understand. I felt bad because I knew it made him sad, but short of saying, "Dude, you suck in bed," I couldn't figure out a way to get through to him. We broke up now I'm with someone who is much more sexually savvy, and that issue is gone.

If you truly think that is not it, I agree with many of the posters who urge counseling. I would also say: get an au pair; hire a nanny; find some ways to reduce the pressure and exhaustion of three young kids and be able to get away for a bit together. I do think that marriages have their own sine waves. There will be periods where you feel very emotionally connected and periods where you're just tired or irritable and don't feel close. If you basically like and respect her, give this time. You may yet get past this.

From all he's described sex isn't at the top of her list. Not so uncommon. OP isn't going anywhere because he knows he won't find all that in another person.

[Anonymous]

Do you think you still love your wife? Finding her sick at home and not caring sounds like you REALLY don't even like her as much as you would (I hope) care for a co-worker.

I also suggest marriage counseling, to see if your relationship is worth salvaging.

But you should also consider why you want to have sex with someone who does not want to sleep with you . Do you want her to give in and go through the motions?
As a woman, that sounds like a prison sentence to me (having to have sex with someone I did not want to have sex with!)
So, I suspect the less than strong/positive feelings go both ways. You have to talk, and a skilled counsellor can provide a safe setting for that.

Remember, your kids are seeing a less than healthy partnership, and that can harm them down the road.

[Anonymous]

She lost interest before he did. So, it may go both ways now. But that’s not how it started.