Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

[Anonymous]

Sadly, you're three kids deep in it. Welcome to marriage!

[Anonymous]

Have you tried communicating how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Get marriage counseling now. Once you move from not caring to constant resentment, it’s too late to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get marriage counseling now. Once you move from not caring to constant resentment, it’s too late to fix.

+1. It'd be one thing if you truly just "didn't care", I've known several couples that just peacefully coexist as platonic roommates for years and years. But you do care, it comes across pretty strongly in your post that you resent her and dislike the situation. I don't think that kind of situation can go on for very long before you're going to bail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get marriage counseling now. Once you move from not caring to constant resentment, it’s too late to fix.

+1. It'd be one thing if you truly just "didn't care", I've known several couples that just peacefully coexist as platonic roommates for years and years. But you do care, it comes across pretty strongly in your post that you resent her and dislike the situation. I don't think that kind of situation can go on for very long before you're going to bail.

+1
I think it's erroneous to assume you can just stay in this space and not have things go downhill. Plus, she may decide to leave you one day. Marriage counseling can't hurt, or at least reading some Gottman books, both of you.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly what’s happened in my marriage. We had a terrific sex life but DW lost all desire after giving birth. No sex in ten years. DW had me sign on to Tinder.

[Anonymous]

sidepiece

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

No advice, but that sounds very familiar to my situation. I've told my wife that I think the lack of sex is a problem, but she hasn't done anything noticeable to improve that aspect of our marriage. I recommended a book and, when she couldn't be bothered to read it, I think that's when I kind of gave up.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage has expired.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine recently lost her husband to cancer, with two young kids. Their marriage seemed similar to yours. Suddenly losing him was the too-late wakeup call.

It's easy to let time pass complacently. It's harder to really reshuffle things. I hope you figure out a way to reshuffle in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

If my husband were feeling this way, I would want him to tell me. I would be hurt, but I think the marriage is headed towards ruin if you don't tell her straight up that the lack of intimacy has killed your bond. If you do tell her and she still doesn't address... I think that if divorce is off the table, you just bide your time till the kids are older and see how you feel then.

[Anonymous]

Small steps. Can she up it to twice a month? Just be direct and ask. Phrase it in whatever terms work for you. Is she cheating on you?

[Anonymous]

Start marriage counseling now. Otherwise, one or both of you will have an affair, and it's more difficult to address things after.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. In terms of direct talk, not an option. Have talked about it on multiple times (sex/intimacy, not about not caring) and she does the usual break down and cry, I'm not a good wife response with no change at all. I am hesitant to say it directly becuase the way she is she would take it horribly and it can't be taken back. Like I said I don't want to make the marriage worse. I doubt she would cheat as she is a fiercely loyal person in general, and I don't think I would cheat, but who knows. Just went home for lunch (I work close) and she is home sick and I honestly didn't really care either way. Not who I am as a person in general but at this point I can't really muster enough to fake it.