Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly what’s happened in my marriage. We had a terrific sex life but DW lost all desire after giving birth. No sex in ten years. DW had me sign on to Tinder.

Hope its working for you!

[Anonymous]

Relieve her of the burden of monthly duty sex. Declare Open Marriage, join a friday night spinning class, and go out for drinks afterwards.

[Anonymous]

"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

[Anonymous]

She needs therapy. I don't mean this to be snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP can you two go on a 1 week vacation alone? Have you ever done that since the kids? My DH and I do it every year and I find it so important to just focus on us. We are much stronger and happier afterwards (married 6 years, 2 kids, sex 3 Times a week).

[Anonymous]

"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

I think what OP is conveying is that the lack of sex has created a fundamental distance. Sex is critical to nurturing intimacy and bonding feelings (at least, it is for him). He continues to be a good spouse, on the surface, but he has disconnected from his wife because she has pulled away from him, physically and intimately. OP, I dont blame you.

Try reading Passionate Marriage. But the thing is, you both have to want a better intimacy. Instead of her crying about not being a good wife, she should do something about it. When people get bored or too familiar, they tend to pull away when what they really need to do is go deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, you're three kids deep in it. Welcome to marriage!

+1. The little kid years are rough. This is not an uncommon "season" for a marriage, and if you can wait it out, it will almost definitely improve.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? There is a chance things may improve once the youngest is 4-5. Young kids are just so exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you two go on a 1 week vacation alone? Have you ever done that since the kids? My DH and I do it every year and I find it so important to just focus on us. We are much stronger and happier afterwards (married 6 years, 2 kids, sex 3 Times a week).

OP here. Good suggestion but no, we can't really. Both our parents live overseas and we don't really have anyone that we could leave all three kids with. They are young so a real handful to manage. And yes I know that kids affect sex but it started getting like this well before we were pregnant with number one, just didn't really see it and thought it was a phase/something she or I could or would change.

[Anonymous]

You say you don't want a divorce but maybe she does? Sounds like you're not well matched but it sounds like you could be friends and good co-parenting partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you don't want a divorce but maybe she does? Sounds like you're not well matched but it sounds like you could be friends and good co-parenting partners.

OP here, no I wouldn't think so. She is pretty happy. If you asked her if our marriage would good she would say its great. Its almost like she is blind to the fact that the sex issue is so big, even though I have told her multiple times that it is. We are well matched as husband and wife, just not lovers-though we used to be. She was never a nymph or anything but it was good, enough for me to want to sign up for it for the rest of my life We are good friends, and co parents, just that's not what I want from my wife.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you both are depressed tbh. Individual therapy probably a good start but I also think that finding something that you can do together that you can both immersed yourselves in would help. You need to have a relationship again before you can have an intimate sex and loving sex life again. Cooking class? Exercise? Some hobby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can you two go on a 1 week vacation alone? Have you ever done that since the kids? My DH and I do it every year and I find it so important to just focus on us. We are much stronger and happier afterwards (married 6 years, 2 kids, sex 3 Times a week).

OP here. Good suggestion but no, we can't really. Both our parents live overseas and we don't really have anyone that we could leave all three kids with. They are young so a real handful to manage. And yes I know that kids affect sex but it started getting like this well before we were pregnant with number one, just didn't really see it and thought it was a phase/something she or I could or would change.

I am the PP you are responding to. Our parents also live overseas. We usually visit them and “drop” the kids for a few days. You have 3 and I have 2, but maybe you can find a nanny that can help your parents? I really think that if parents focused a small percentage of their time on each other, these problems would not occur. Also, now you don’t seem to want to spend a whole week alone with her, but you should. You feel rejected and that you are very low on her priority list. She needs to rediscover you as well.

Also, my sex drive decreased a bit after getting married and even more after the two kids. I would be happy with once a week, but for him, I do it more (not a chore or anything, just something I don’t need as much anymore).

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.