Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Could she be depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

That is right, people do indeed change!! For example back when I got married I was a strong believer in monogamy. It used to make me feel really good to only have sex with my spouse. But over time I have lost my desire to remain monogamous. My wife still thinks we should have a monogamous marriage, this is still very important to her, so when she talks to me about it I just cry and explain to her that I’m a bad husband, and then I just go right on with my non monogamous lifestyle.

The rest of our marriage is pretty great, I don’t want to divorce, why do some people (especially women) make such a big deal over just this one thing, as if the whole marriage is all about monogamy and nothing else matters? How can I explain to my wife she’s just really being selfish and to just accept the fact people change and she should just love me for who I am.

You are funny, but I get it. You are not comparing apples to apples though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

I believe they already are going that this and past posts. You are right though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

I sympathize with you... but does that mean your DH gets no sexual activity for the rest of his life? I'm genuinely asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

That is right, people do indeed change!! For example back when I got married I was a strong believer in monogamy. It used to make me feel really good to only have sex with my spouse. But over time I have lost my desire to remain monogamous. My wife still thinks we should have a monogamous marriage, this is still very important to her, so when she talks to me about it I just cry and explain to her that I’m a bad husband, and then I just go right on with my non monogamous lifestyle.

The rest of our marriage is pretty great, I don’t want to divorce, why do some people (especially women) make such a big deal over just this one thing, as if the whole marriage is all about monogamy and nothing else matters? How can I explain to my wife she’s just really being selfish and to just accept the fact people change and she should just love me for who I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

Hi, OP here. I wanted to stop because there was absolutely no investment from her. She won't let me enjoy her, she just lays there and I can tell that she just wants to get it over with. Its not about me, I'm not a horny guy that wants crazy sex every day, I have tried even just getting her off without expecting anything in return and even that was met with lukewarm at best response. Its not the lack of sex, its the lack of having a wife that wants to be my wife that has me where I am. Sure, she is a good friend and we get along well, but I don't have sex with my good friends, I have sex with my wife. She is the only outlet I chose for a romantic physical connection and she has shut it down-for whatever reason. I'm not even really mad at her, I don't think she wants to have this type of relationship, but at this point I don't see her as a romantic partner, someone that just lives there. I went home for lunch because I live there and that is where I always go to for lunch, she just happened to be there sick today. She's not appalling, we get through the day to day fine, feeding kids, going shopping etc. I just find that I don't really care that much about engaging with her after repeated attempts to have a marital relationship.

Did you or she have any minor complaints about sex before it all went down the drain? Besides sex, what are the conflicts in your marriage? Feeding kids and going shopping don't fill the day.
What's interesting to me is that you don't see your wife as a sexual object. People break up, have no sex with the person for years, but still want them. Did you settle when you got married or did she rock your world?

Hi, no sex was pretty good, not as much as I would want and not as intense as I would have wanted but it was good for us from what I could tell. I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended. I have been a few girls that "rocked my world" sexually and I did not nor do I expect that my wife was like that.
The women that rocked my world were total disasters as people, so I guess that was the trade off.

If you say you have a good relationship and you are friends then how do you not care? How do you check out if the person is a match in all but sex (and never really was a match). You decided that you are all in, not cheating and not divorcing. You also made a decision to be resentful and wallow in "my life sucks". I suggest focusing on making your family life fun. You have little kids, they grow up fast. There is so much stuff to do with and without kids, no reason to have a sucky life outside of your sucky sex life. Absolutely no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

Affair Planning PP here. Yes, after years of serious thought and actions -- serious conversations, having recommended a book, praying, therapy, having written a letter five years ago in which I explained that I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was, and many broken promises of regular physical contact from DH, I have weighed the options and decided that an affair is the best option. My needs and those of DH will never be in sync because he is simply not that kind of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she noticed that you’re checked out, or emotionally distant? You haven’t explicitly told her, but has she felt the difference?

If you aren’t honest with her about your feelings then you’ll grow more and more distant. You must tell her - not that you “don’t care”, but that you’re not feeling emotionally connected to her. Don’t let her crying stop you - your marriage is in crisis and it’s okay if she cries. Reassure her that you’re not going anywhere, but don’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

I don't know if he's told her that he has checked out, but it sounds like he's told her about problems in their marriage quite a few times and in quite a few ways and it hasn't led to changes. And it's not like he hasn't communicated the severity of the situation -- whatever he has said has been dire enough to make her cry. Is there reason to think that this next conversation is going to do the trick?

My high-libido comrades will recognize this for the classic distraction maneuver that it is. Every low-libido spouse has his own version. When I brought the subject up DH would ask why I was "attacking him" no matter how calmly and respectfully I spoke. What it takes the H-L spouse years to understand is that the L-L spouse actually has no interest in fixing the problem, she just wants to get you off her back in the moment and buy time. Whether you have no nanny or ten nannies, whether you are at home in front of a cozy fire or in a hotel room overlooking the Eiffel Tower, the L-L spouse has little 'initiative' interest in coming closer through sexual contact. The more considerate L-L spouses can be convinced to participate but they themselves simply do not feel that need in the same way or in the same frequency.

[Anonymous]

As long as you are having an affair with other marriwd people, who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

That is right, people do indeed change!! For example back when I got married I was a strong believer in monogamy. It used to make me feel really good to only have sex with my spouse. But over time I have lost my desire to remain monogamous. My wife still thinks we should have a monogamous marriage, this is still very important to her, so when she talks to me about it I just cry and explain to her that I’m a bad husband, and then I just go right on with my non monogamous lifestyle.

The rest of our marriage is pretty great, I don’t want to divorce, why do some people (especially women) make such a big deal over just this one thing, as if the whole marriage is all about monogamy and nothing else matters? How can I explain to my wife she’s just really being selfish and to just accept the fact people change and she should just love me for who I am.

You are funny, but I get it. You are not comparing apples to apples though...

Apparently, you really don't get it. These are in fact the same central question: is sex important to a marriage? You cannot have it both ways. If sex is NOT important to have regularly, then monogamy also must be unimportant. Or, if sex IS important enough to expect monogamy, then it's important enough to have regular sex.

OP's wife clearly believes sex is NOT important to their marriage. Therefore, she can have no issue when he goes and does that "unimportant thing" with the hot gal from accounting department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

Hi, OP here. I wanted to stop because there was absolutely no investment from her. She won't let me enjoy her, she just lays there and I can tell that she just wants to get it over with. Its not about me, I'm not a horny guy that wants crazy sex every day, I have tried even just getting her off without expecting anything in return and even that was met with lukewarm at best response. Its not the lack of sex, its the lack of having a wife that wants to be my wife that has me where I am. Sure, she is a good friend and we get along well, but I don't have sex with my good friends, I have sex with my wife. She is the only outlet I chose for a romantic physical connection and she has shut it down-for whatever reason. I'm not even really mad at her, I don't think she wants to have this type of relationship, but at this point I don't see her as a romantic partner, someone that just lives there. I went home for lunch because I live there and that is where I always go to for lunch, she just happened to be there sick today. She's not appalling, we get through the day to day fine, feeding kids, going shopping etc. I just find that I don't really care that much about engaging with her after repeated attempts to have a marital relationship.

Did you or she have any minor complaints about sex before it all went down the drain? Besides sex, what are the conflicts in your marriage? Feeding kids and going shopping don't fill the day.
What's interesting to me is that you don't see your wife as a sexual object. People break up, have no sex with the person for years, but still want them. Did you settle when you got married or did she rock your world?

Hi, no sex was pretty good, not as much as I would want and not as intense as I would have wanted but it was good for us from what I could tell. I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended. I have been a few girls that "rocked my world" sexually and I did not nor do I expect that my wife was like that.
The women that rocked my world were total disasters as people, so I guess that was the trade off.

If you say you have a good relationship and you are friends then how do you not care? How do you check out if the person is a match in all but sex (and never really was a match). You decided that you are all in, not cheating and not divorcing. You also made a decision to be resentful and wallow in "my life sucks". I suggest focusing on making your family life fun. You have little kids, they grow up fast. There is so much stuff to do with and without kids, no reason to have a sucky life outside of your sucky sex life. Absolutely no reason.

I have a great job. The hours are good, I really like my coworkers at the office and my boss is super cool! The only thing is he doesn't pay me any money. People say I should be happy that I have such a great job, but he doesn't pay me-which is what makes it a job and not volunteer work.....

Money isn't the only thing about the job, but without it its not really a job and I'm not happy with it. Point is even if everything is good, one thing that isn't good can be a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

Affair Planning PP here. Yes, after years of serious thought and actions -- serious conversations, having recommended a book, praying, therapy, having written a letter five years ago in which I explained that I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was, and many broken promises of regular physical contact from DH, I have weighed the options and decided that an affair is the best option. My needs and those of DH will never be in sync because he is simply not that kind of person.

Wow. What a great person you are. I’m sure your grandmother is real proud of you. /s

[Anonymous]

I have a great job. The hours are good, I really like my coworkers at the office and my boss is super cool! The only thing is he doesn't pay me any money. People say I should be happy that I have such a great job, but he doesn't pay me-which is what makes it a job and not volunteer work.....

Money isn't the only thing about the job, but without it its not really a job and I'm not happy with it. Point is even if everything is good, one thing that isn't good can be a deal breaker.

OP said that he wants to stay in the marriage and does not believe it can be fixed. If you decided to stay at this job that you are describing then how is focusing on the lack of pay will help you. Your passive income keeps you afloat since you are not ready to quit. Enjoy the rest. It's not about full happiness, it's about not wasting time on the negative that decided to do nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I understand your position all too well.

I believe the objective of your post is to seek advice about what you should do since you've reached the "just don't really care" point. Here are some things to consider:
1. Focus on improving yourself.

2. Find a personal therapist. As a bonus, it won't hurt matters if she's attractive. Tell her everything you've told us, here. And, tell her what you need.

3. Join the gym. I get that "dad bods" happen, but they aren't healthy, nor sexy. Now's the best time of year for outdoor exercising-staying active is a natural pressure release valve and you'll feel better about yourself.

4. Get closer to your children. Sounds like you are already a good dad - but challenge yourself to do even more. Three kids is a lot (I know. I have 4). Work to establish an even deeper relationship with each one of them, respectively - especially since you have 3. Do daddy dates with each one. Go to sporting events individually and in a bunch. Teach them a skill you've learned. Talk with them and be vulnerable with them. Tell each one what you admire about them.

5. Lean on a special friend. If you are lucky, having a good/objective friend is like pot of gold. Someone who'll tell you you're making a lot of sense, or kick you in the pants for being a dumbass. Be open/vulnerable with him or her and share with them about this change you are experiencing. This relationship can be as helpful as your therapist.

6. Honor your DW. It's very clear that you still very much love her. But the truth is, you've been hurt by the lack of a physical/emotional connection with her. You feel defeated that none of your best past efforts got you guys anywhere. You love her, but we "can't start a fire without a spark." All I have here is, commit to not disrespecting yourself, her, or your family by doing something hurtful that your kids will almost certainly come to learn about. But most importantly, she hasn't and wouldn't hurt you in that way; and it's clear you love her enough to not hurt her, too. I really commend you for that.

I hope at least some of this is helpful to your question.

Good luck, brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

Affair Planning PP here. Yes, after years of serious thought and actions -- serious conversations, having recommended a book, praying, therapy, having written a letter five years ago in which I explained that I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was, and many broken promises of regular physical contact from DH, I have weighed the options and decided that an affair is the best option. My needs and those of DH will never be in sync because he is simply not that kind of person.

Wow. What a great person you are. I’m sure your grandmother is real proud of you. /s

Both of them have passed away but my goal has never been to do only the things that I believe would meet with their approval. I am a descendant of slaves who has been blessed with freedoms and choices they could not even imagine. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste the gift of agency I've been givenin genuflecting before the golden calf of tradition. I would not want my daughters to ever sacrifice themselves in a relationship as unfulfilling as my marriage has been. If they felt they could not leave I'd probably tell them as my sister told me years ago, "Take a lover." Ever heard of Lady Chatterley's Lover?