Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

If you are the OP, this seems like you've solved the issue.

She doesn't want to be pressured into sex.

She'll come to you when she's ready and it'll actually be good sex (vs. starfish sex).

So what's the problem?

The problem is her readiness produces low frequency for his need which produces him not caring about her needs. Nothing has been solved, she's just reset his "not caring" clock for another cycle. And although this pattern has been witnessed a billion times, and never once has this been sustainable, but I am sure OP will be the exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

If you are the OP, this seems like you've solved the issue.

She doesn't want to be pressured into sex.

She'll come to you when she's ready and it'll actually be good sex (vs. starfish sex).

So what's the problem?

DP. I don't think this is it. She noticed and was concerned, a little jealous or just trying to get things back to normal. Pursuer/distance ... when OP distances, she pursues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

If you are the OP, this seems like you've solved the issue.

She doesn't want to be pressured into sex.

She'll come to you when she's ready and it'll actually be good sex (vs. starfish sex).

So what's the problem?

OP here, I haven't pressured my wife for sex in a long time. I'd initiate when horny and get shot down, but that was pretty infrequent and when I was at my wits end and needed to at least try. Shen never came to me when she was ready-becuase she was never ready. The difference I wanted to share for others like me was her behavior around sex changed when my behavior towards her changed.

Either that or she reads DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

OP here, no not really. It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad. Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it. If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge. Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him. But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference. If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away. If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner. One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't. And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP you over value sex way too much. Basically you're still saying it's all about sex. And you have so many resentments that even if she started having more sex, it wouldn't improve your attitude.

You sound very young OP and immature. Put all that energy into your kids and be thankful you have a good thing going. There is MUCH worse out there. This is nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you over value sex way too much. Basically you're still saying it's all about sex. And you have so many resentments that even if she started having more sex, it wouldn't improve your attitude.

You sound very young OP and immature. Put all that energy into your kids and be thankful you have a good thing going. There is MUCH worse out there. This is nothing.

PP you under value sex way too much. Basically you are saying he should be OK with a marriage having (quote from OP): "terrible sex like once every two months". Yes, if she started having a normal sex life, it would improve his attitude.

You sound very young PP and immature. Nobody can put all his/her energy into the kids, ignoring the important needs of his/her spouse, and have any kind of good thing going. This is not a healthy marriage or a good environment to raise kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

OP here, no not really. It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad. Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it. If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge. Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him. But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference. If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away. If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner. One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't. And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.

Unless I have you confused with another poster, you're simultaneously saying that the sex you were having with your wife was so bad that you'd rather have none, and it was obvious she didn't want to have sex with you and was just laying there waiting for it to be over, and that you're sure she was having orgasms every time? Uh, nope. Sorry buddy.

As for your "I just don't care" protestations, I don't think anyone in this 19 page thread is buying it. You're hurt and pissed and sulky and now, in a twist, kind of smug. You definitely care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

OP here, no not really. It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad. Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it. If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge. Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him. But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference. If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away. If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner. One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't. And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.

PP you were responding to here.

Do you ever wonder if perhaps your expectations of marriage are too high? I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but you kind of remind me of my husband with this sex=affection stuff. We’ve been married for close to 15 years and we have 3 kids. He’s my best friend, I would say we have a great marriage, but we only have sex once or twice a week (unless we’re on vacation) and, to be honest, for me it is usually “duty sex”. I’m not in the mood but he is so I throw him a bone. Once we start, I get into it but starting is a chore for me, psychologically. I love him and I want our marriage to work so I do it.

However, as in your situation, it wasn’t always like this. When we first got together, there was a genuine spark. I did feel passionately in love with him. There was a several years long honeymoon phase where I couldn’t keep my hands off him and he was all I thought about. But that was TWENTY years ago. Do you ever wonder if it is unrealistic to think you can retain that kind of euphoria and bliss for two decades? For me, and I think for a lot of women, novelty and romantic tension (“does he like me?” “Will he call?”) have a strong role to play in sexual interest and desire. After two decades, there isn’t going to be much novelty left. That’s partly why vacation sex is so good and plentiful.

I mean this seriously, not trying to be snarky. A lot of couples go through this. I mean, they call it a “honeymoon phase” for a reason and people like Esther Pearlman have made careers out of writing about it. I remember reading about this when I was a lot younger and not getting it but now I do. Maybe a rock solid friendship, mutual respect and trust, commitment, security, and yes “duty sex” or “maintence sex” 1-2 a week with the very occasional true connecting romantic sexual experience is the most you can hope for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

OP here, no not really. It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad. Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it. If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge. Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him. But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference. If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away. If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner. One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't. And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.

PP you were responding to here.

Do you ever wonder if perhaps your expectations of marriage are too high? I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but you kind of remind me of my husband with this sex=affection stuff. We’ve been married for close to 15 years and we have 3 kids. He’s my best friend, I would say we have a great marriage, but we only have sex once or twice a week (unless we’re on vacation) and, to be honest, for me it is usually “duty sex”. I’m not in the mood but he is so I throw him a bone. Once we start, I get into it but starting is a chore for me, psychologically. I love him and I want our marriage to work so I do it.

However, as in your situation, it wasn’t always like this. When we first got together, there was a genuine spark. I did feel passionately in love with him. There was a several years long honeymoon phase where I couldn’t keep my hands off him and he was all I thought about. But that was TWENTY years ago. Do you ever wonder if it is unrealistic to think you can retain that kind of euphoria and bliss for two decades? For me, and I think for a lot of women, novelty and romantic tension (“does he like me?” “Will he call?”) have a strong role to play in sexual interest and desire. After two decades, there isn’t going to be much novelty left. That’s partly why vacation sex is so good and plentiful.

I mean this seriously, not trying to be snarky. A lot of couples go through this. I mean, they call it a “honeymoon phase” for a reason and people like Esther Pearlman have made careers out of writing about it. I remember reading about this when I was a lot younger and not getting it but now I do. Maybe a rock solid friendship, mutual respect and trust, commitment, security, and yes “duty sex” or “maintence sex” 1-2 a week with the very occasional true connecting romantic sexual experience is the most you can hope for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you over value sex way too much. Basically you're still saying it's all about sex. And you have so many resentments that even if she started having more sex, it wouldn't improve your attitude.

You sound very young OP and immature. Put all that energy into your kids and be thankful you have a good thing going. There is MUCH worse out there. This is nothing.

Not OP but it seems to me that maybe you value sex too little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you over value sex way too much. Basically you're still saying it's all about sex. And you have so many resentments that even if she started having more sex, it wouldn't improve your attitude.

You sound very young OP and immature. Put all that energy into your kids and be thankful you have a good thing going. There is MUCH worse out there. This is nothing.

Not OP but it seems to me that maybe you value sex too little.

PP here.

Do ya'll really believe it is realistic to be having the same kind of sex 10-20 years into the relationship as when you first got together?

I just don't think that is a realistic expectation. Especially if you have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

OP here, no not really. It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad. Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it. If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge. Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him. But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference. If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away. If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner. One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't. And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.

PP you were responding to here.

Do you ever wonder if perhaps your expectations of marriage are too high? I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but you kind of remind me of my husband with this sex=affection stuff. We’ve been married for close to 15 years and we have 3 kids. He’s my best friend, I would say we have a great marriage, but we only have sex once or twice a week (unless we’re on vacation) and, to be honest, for me it is usually “duty sex”. I’m not in the mood but he is so I throw him a bone. Once we start, I get into it but starting is a chore for me, psychologically. I love him and I want our marriage to work so I do it.

However, as in your situation, it wasn’t always like this. When we first got together, there was a genuine spark. I did feel passionately in love with him. There was a several years long honeymoon phase where I couldn’t keep my hands off him and he was all I thought about. But that was TWENTY years ago. Do you ever wonder if it is unrealistic to think you can retain that kind of euphoria and bliss for two decades? For me, and I think for a lot of women, novelty and romantic tension (“does he like me?” “Will he call?”) have a strong role to play in sexual interest and desire. After two decades, there isn’t going to be much novelty left. That’s partly why vacation sex is so good and plentiful.

I mean this seriously, not trying to be snarky. A lot of couples go through this. I mean, they call it a “honeymoon phase” for a reason and people like Esther Pearlman have made careers out of writing about it. I remember reading about this when I was a lot younger and not getting it but now I do. Maybe a rock solid friendship, mutual respect and trust, commitment, security, and yes “duty sex” or “maintence sex” 1-2 a week with the very occasional true connecting romantic sexual experience is the most you can hope for?

Exactly, this is what ALL healthy marriage go through. He sounds young , hopefully won't wreck a good thing by being stupid.

I'm wondering if he bugged her so much in the past she now avoids sex with him. It really is a turn off when a man bothers a woman for sex knowing she doesn't want to at that moment. If someone is giving you the "hint" it should be taken. Trying to force someone, or nagging will get the opposite response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL maintenance availability

OP here, no real argument here about that, but the difference was this time it wasn't lame, she at least seemed invested for the first time in many years. Not kidding myself that this is going to be ongoing or the issue is solved.

Or she found this thread and is preparing for divorce. Nothing like sex to make you blind to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night. I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't. Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.

OP here, no not really. It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad. Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it. If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge. Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him. But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference. If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away. If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner. One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't. And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.

PP you were responding to here.

Do you ever wonder if perhaps your expectations of marriage are too high? I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but you kind of remind me of my husband with this sex=affection stuff. We’ve been married for close to 15 years and we have 3 kids. He’s my best friend, I would say we have a great marriage, but we only have sex once or twice a week (unless we’re on vacation) and, to be honest, for me it is usually “duty sex”. I’m not in the mood but he is so I throw him a bone. Once we start, I get into it but starting is a chore for me, psychologically. I love him and I want our marriage to work so I do it.

However, as in your situation, it wasn’t always like this. When we first got together, there was a genuine spark. I did feel passionately in love with him. There was a several years long honeymoon phase where I couldn’t keep my hands off him and he was all I thought about. But that was TWENTY years ago. Do you ever wonder if it is unrealistic to think you can retain that kind of euphoria and bliss for two decades? For me, and I think for a lot of women, novelty and romantic tension (“does he like me?” “Will he call?”) have a strong role to play in sexual interest and desire. After two decades, there isn’t going to be much novelty left. That’s partly why vacation sex is so good and plentiful.

I mean this seriously, not trying to be snarky. A lot of couples go through this. I mean, they call it a “honeymoon phase” for a reason and people like Esther Pearlman have made careers out of writing about it. I remember reading about this when I was a lot younger and not getting it but now I do. Maybe a rock solid friendship, mutual respect and trust, commitment, security, and yes “duty sex” or “maintence sex” 1-2 a week with the very occasional true connecting romantic sexual experience is the most you can hope for?

Exactly, this is what ALL healthy marriage go through. He sounds young , hopefully won't wreck a good thing by being stupid.

I'm wondering if he bugged her so much in the past she now avoids sex with him. It really is a turn off when a man bothers a woman for sex knowing she doesn't want to at that moment. If someone is giving you the "hint" it should be taken. Trying to force someone, or nagging will get the opposite response.

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