Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex changed in his approach to sex and during sex around year 6 or 7 of marriage. It was not a big change but it drastically impacted how I felt about it and absolutely killed my desire for him. I started avoiding sex (doing as rare and as fast as possible). After 4 years of that we got divorced. His attempts at talking about were very similar to what I didn't like about the new approach. I did not feel any desire coming from him, more like demands. It was all about him, about his sex life, just like you are describing your "it was so bad I wanted to stop".

I hear this so much from women. They find out they are married to a selfish prick who is letting the wife know it's her job and she'd better do it. The DW on here is the same way who threatened divorce, is currently cheating and bragging about it. To those of us who are in good marriages it's very clear why they are in the circumstances they are in. A marriage is about 2 persons needs. They aren't always in sync. No matter who you marry it will always be that way whether it's sex or other important aspects of the marriage.
I've had friends divorce and sure enough some years later... or sooner it's other problems. Often much worse.

There are some very unrealistic and immature posters on here that should be single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

I think unless there's something physical/painful going on she should try to compromise. That I don't understand.

People do change. Aging and health are a big one. Some aren't as attracted to their partners and don't want to admit it. It could be a thousand things, but I find that most things can be worked out. We know the statistics of 2nd marriages. They fail at a greater rate, and sex isn't the big binder.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her to be completely honest with you about how she feels? She's depressed and complacent. So are you. She feels something, but she's afraid to open up and let it all out. So are you. A fight might do you good. Get all of those emotions out and clear the air, and then you'll both know where you stand and where you need to go from that point to fix it. You're both holding too much inside for fear of upsetting the other. Find a babysitter, go out to eat, stop somewhere and park, and yell as much as you want (preferably where someone won't call the cops). Get everything out in the open once and for all. I would suggest some good makeup sex afterward. If that doesn't work, file for divorce, because it's over.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are complaining about how you don’t have a good sex life but it doesn’t sound like you are doing much to improve things.

Remember back when you were single out there in the world dating and having sex? Do you think you would have ever gotten laid with a “dad bod” and an inability to even feign interest in a woman’s interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

I think unless there's something physical/painful going on she should try to compromise. That I don't understand.

People do change. Aging and health are a big one. Some aren't as attracted to their partners and don't want to admit it. It could be a thousand things, but I find that most things can be worked out. We know the statistics of 2nd marriages. They fail at a greater rate, and sex isn't the big binder.

Right but she should compromise on having sex more often, meanwhile in his own words he doesn't even care to talk to her? I actually fully agree that the lower-libido spouse should try to be more GGG in most circumstances (nobody needs to be demanding sex 3x/day or anything), but if compromise is what's needed OP needs to be the change he wants to see in his house. Stop tolerating her and try being nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex changed in his approach to sex and during sex around year 6 or 7 of marriage. It was not a big change but it drastically impacted how I felt about it and absolutely killed my desire for him. I started avoiding sex (doing as rare and as fast as possible). After 4 years of that we got divorced. His attempts at talking about were very similar to what I didn't like about the new approach. I did not feel any desire coming from him, more like demands. It was all about him, about his sex life, just like you are describing your "it was so bad I wanted to stop".

I hear this so much from women. They find out they are married to a selfish prick who is letting the wife know it's her job and she'd better do it. The DW on here is the same way who threatened divorce, is currently cheating and bragging about it. To those of us who are in good marriages it's very clear why they are in the circumstances they are in. A marriage is about 2 persons needs. They aren't always in sync. No matter who you marry it will always be that way whether it's sex or other important aspects of the marriage.
I've had friends divorce and sure enough some years later... or sooner it's other problems. Often much worse.

There are some very unrealistic and immature posters on here that should be single.

PP from above. The change in my case had nothing to do with what you are talking about, nothing about "it's wife's job". Somehow neither my ex nor I have those problems now, each found a match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

Hi, OP here. I wanted to stop because there was absolutely no investment from her. She won't let me enjoy her, she just lays there and I can tell that she just wants to get it over with. Its not about me, I'm not a horny guy that wants crazy sex every day, I have tried even just getting her off without expecting anything in return and even that was met with lukewarm at best response. Its not the lack of sex, its the lack of having a wife that wants to be my wife that has me where I am. Sure, she is a good friend and we get along well, but I don't have sex with my good friends, I have sex with my wife. She is the only outlet I chose for a romantic physical connection and she has shut it down-for whatever reason. I'm not even really mad at her, I don't think she wants to have this type of relationship, but at this point I don't see her as a romantic partner, someone that just lives there. I went home for lunch because I live there and that is where I always go to for lunch, she just happened to be there sick today. She's not appalling, we get through the day to day fine, feeding kids, going shopping etc. I just find that I don't really care that much about engaging with her after repeated attempts to have a marital relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex changed in his approach to sex and during sex around year 6 or 7 of marriage. It was not a big change but it drastically impacted how I felt about it and absolutely killed my desire for him. I started avoiding sex (doing as rare and as fast as possible). After 4 years of that we got divorced. His attempts at talking about were very similar to what I didn't like about the new approach. I did not feel any desire coming from him, more like demands. It was all about him, about his sex life, just like you are describing your "it was so bad I wanted to stop".

I hear this so much from women. They find out they are married to a selfish prick who is letting the wife know it's her job and she'd better do it. The DW on here is the same way who threatened divorce, is currently cheating and bragging about it. To those of us who are in good marriages it's very clear why they are in the circumstances they are in. A marriage is about 2 persons needs. They aren't always in sync. No matter who you marry it will always be that way whether it's sex or other important aspects of the marriage.
I've had friends divorce and sure enough some years later... or sooner it's other problems. Often much worse.

There are some very unrealistic and immature posters on here that should be single.

PP from above. The change in my case had nothing to do with what you are talking about, nothing about "it's wife's job". Somehow neither my ex nor I have those problems now, each found a match.

That's great. Every case is different but those are common themes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

I think unless there's something physical/painful going on she should try to compromise. That I don't understand.

People do change. Aging and health are a big one. Some aren't as attracted to their partners and don't want to admit it. It could be a thousand things, but I find that most things can be worked out. We know the statistics of 2nd marriages. They fail at a greater rate, and sex isn't the big binder.

+1. It changes for MANY people (women especially I think), but only few make the effort. You are not broken, but you should make the effort. Unless there is some medical issue of course

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

I think unless there's something physical/painful going on she should try to compromise. That I don't understand.

People do change. Aging and health are a big one. Some aren't as attracted to their partners and don't want to admit it. It could be a thousand things, but I find that most things can be worked out. We know the statistics of 2nd marriages. They fail at a greater rate, and sex isn't the big binder.

That's what I say. Sick of cooking nice meals, BUT my family likes it and so I do it. I'm still happy they are happy. Kind of the same thing imo.



+1. It changes for MANY people (women especially I think), but only few make the effort. You are not broken, but you should make the effort. Unless there is some medical issue of course

[Anonymous]

OP, please visit reddit deadbedrooms and do your homework on this exact issues. You deserve a normal sex life (it may be with Wife #2).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

DH here. Typical DCUM story, married 8 years, three kids, sex dried up. Been like once a month for a few years. I consider myself to be a pretty good husband, good father, do lots around the house, do lots of the kid stuff etc. I have a bit of a dad bod but not hideous (I don't think). We have a good relationship minus the sex.

Done lots of "date nights" gone out of my way to try to make her feel special etc. This isn't about sexless marriage per se, but I find that I am at the point where I just don't really care about her as a wife anymore. I don't dislike her, she is a good mom and does lots to make the household run, but I just don't really care that much for her anymore and find it difficult/annoying to be around her. I don't care to hear about her day and I generally don't want to spend time with her really, I would just rather do my own thing at this point. Mostly I look forward to when she falls asleep so I can watch the shows I want that she doesn't like. The lack of any response to me, or to me working towards having a marital relationship with her has kind of finally just emptied my tank for her.

I don't want a divorce, because I love my family and I really don't want anyone else other than her, but I am finding it hard to have any real engagement with her outside of kid/house stuff. She's not a bitch and we don't fight much , overall its a pleasant home.

Not really sure of the point of this post but has anyone been in this situation before have any advice about how to manage this dynamic. Not really about how to change it/up the sex, but I don't want to totally lose the marriage

No advice, but that sounds very familiar to my situation. I've told my wife that I think the lack of sex is a problem, but she hasn't done anything noticeable to improve that aspect of our marriage. I recommended a book and, when she couldn't be bothered to read it, I think that's when I kind of gave up.

Was it the Love Languages book? I couldn't be bothered to read it either when my DH suggested it. All he wanted to do was drive home the point that "touch" is his "language" -- whatever the book would have said was my language wouldn't have mattered so I couldn't be bothered. He just wanted ammunition to use to force me to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Married over 25 years and had some ups and downs on this issue over the years. OP, the most troubling thing I see is when you say that you think your wife thinks the marriage is good and that you are scared to be honest with her because of how painful and upsetting it will be. You HAVE to tell her where you are on this if you are ever going to get back to having a real marriage. It is not good for anyone for this to be eating at the base of your love for her until you leave and/or cheat. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not think that you can remain in this marriage without things becoming intimate between you again the way they used to be. (I note that you said that it got bad before pregnancy #1 so I do wonder why you didn't work on it then before you had 2 more kids with her). You don't have to be gratuitously mean, but share your real feelings, including the bad ones so that she can really know what you are feeling. Tell her that you feel unloved when she doesn't have sex with you (that's what really going on here, isn't it). Whether she cries or not, keep talking about this until you both have agreed on doing something about this (and not just her saying she'll do better).

Also, as someone who has struggled at times as the lower drive spouse, one thing that really helped us was for me to be honest that there are sometimes I will be 100% into it physically but there may be sometimes that I am not but that I really want to be with him anyway. Once he let go of needing me to always be 100% into it, i felt less pressure and it just made things so much better. Now we are steady at least once a week and most of the time I am into it but if I am less enthusiastic it's not a big deal and no one gets their feelings hurt since he knows that it's just me and next time will likely be more engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married over 25 years and had some ups and downs on this issue over the years. OP, the most troubling thing I see is when you say that you think your wife thinks the marriage is good and that you are scared to be honest with her because of how painful and upsetting it will be. You HAVE to tell her where you are on this if you are ever going to get back to having a real marriage. It is not good for anyone for this to be eating at the base of your love for her until you leave and/or cheat. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not think that you can remain in this marriage without things becoming intimate between you again the way they used to be. (I note that you said that it got bad before pregnancy #1 so I do wonder why you didn't work on it then before you had 2 more kids with her). You don't have to be gratuitously mean, but share your real feelings, including the bad ones so that she can really know what you are feeling. Tell her that you feel unloved when she doesn't have sex with you (that's what really going on here, isn't it). Whether she cries or not, keep talking about this until you both have agreed on doing something about this (and not just her saying she'll do better).

Also, as someone who has struggled at times as the lower drive spouse, one thing that really helped us was for me to be honest that there are sometimes I will be 100% into it physically but there may be sometimes that I am not but that I really want to be with him anyway. Once he let go of needing me to always be 100% into it, i felt less pressure and it just made things so much better. Now we are steady at least once a week and most of the time I am into it but if I am less enthusiastic it's not a big deal and no one gets their feelings hurt since he knows that it's just me and next time will likely be more engaged.

OP here, thanks for the advice. I have had every type of conversation with her, I have written her letters I have done all the things I can do for her. Sex is done with her. I get it and more over; to the point of my original post; I just don't care anymore. I'm not going to get divorced, I'm not going to sleep with my neighbors, but I find it increasingly difficult/almost impossible to not just check out on her at this point. The goal of this post was to see if there were any other folks in my situation and how they handled it, not to try to fix it. I have tried everything I am able or willing to try at this point with no change in her relationship with me. I appreciate the responses from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can you two go on a 1 week vacation alone? Have you ever done that since the kids? My DH and I do it every year and I find it so important to just focus on us. We are much stronger and happier afterwards (married 6 years, 2 kids, sex 3 Times a week).

OP here. Good suggestion but no, we can't really. Both our parents live overseas and we don't really have anyone that we could leave all three kids with. They are young so a real handful to manage. And yes I know that kids affect sex but it started getting like this well before we were pregnant with number one, just didn't really see it and thought it was a phase/something she or I could or would change.

Did you ever have a good sex life? Was there ever a point where she expressed a strong attraction to you sexually?