Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL and DH were very close until BIL met me (10 years ago when we were dating). BIL never said anything specific and we rarely see him together (just family events) so it never mattered that much. BIL and DH still spoke on the phone and DH visits BIL. I visited once but I didn't feel welcome (told to stay home with nanny and their kids while BIL and DH went out and SIL saw own friends). BIL never visited DH after that visit (although visited once a year before then) and doesn't know our kids well (family events once a year or so).

Now BIL's son has a bar mitzvah next month. It was strange when we didn't get an invitation so I asked DH to call BIL who said "don't worry, you're invited". Immediately, I knew something was up. But DH insisted that the "you" meant all 4 of us. So I asked DH to RSVP for all of us and BIL then explained that DH was invited but the kids and I are not. DH was upset so BIL said "fine, you can bring the kids but this is about my son and not about you." When DH insisted that I be included, BIL said DH was making the event about him so he isn't invited either.

DH then asked his parents to get involved (huge mistake) and now his parents are saying that they don't understand why DH can't just go by himself, and that I (who hasn't said anything) was making a big deal about a half-day event (it's in LA so a full weekend but they think I should fly out and just stay at the hotel). DH says he doesn't care about the bar mitzvah (although he is close to his nephew because of all those extra visits) but over the past week has mentioned how close he was with his BIL before meeting me, and how even his parents supported him more before me), and he's been moping around the house.

It's crazy and I didn't think this is where the post was going but it's like I know that our relationship will never be the same again. DH loves me and the kids less now.

That's a really weird response. Are you sure you never created any drama?

Not really. It sounds like he basically told his brother "I'll invite you to this. But only you. This is about my son so don't give me any drama about it."

Sounds like DH was only invited after he called his brother to ask where their invitations were. At the request of OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've solved it.

DH has another family, or at least another kid. His whole family is in on covering for him.

Sounds farfetched, but I've seen it happen before.

And yes, those men have no problem bringing the half siblings around each other.

That's what I'm thinking - or he had a family before he married OP that he never told her about. My FIL did that. Prior to marrying MIL, he had been married with 2 kids. He was divorced and terminated he parental rights before meeting her. MIL and DH didn't find out until he was about 14 and received a card from the oldest child who was about 8 when her parents divorced. MIL was really pissed (understandably) and felt especially betrayed by FIL's family who all knew, had a relationship with the 2 kids but never said anything to MIL. FIL's family lived out of state but MIL visited a couple of times a year.

[Anonymous]

You say they were close until he met you. So they stayed close through previous relationships but once you and your DH started dating, BIL pulled away.

Why?

In addition, BIL said it was okay for DH to bring the girls.

BIL doesn't want this to be about you and whatever the situation is related to you as its his sons event.

There is so much missing from this story that anything said is pure speculation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL and DH were very close until BIL met me (10 years ago when we were dating). BIL never said anything specific and we rarely see him together (just family events) so it never mattered that much. BIL and DH still spoke on the phone and DH visits BIL. I visited once but I didn't feel welcome (told to stay home with nanny and their kids while BIL and DH went out and SIL saw own friends). BIL never visited DH after that visit (although visited once a year before then) and doesn't know our kids well (family events once a year or so).

Now BIL's son has a bar mitzvah next month. It was strange when we didn't get an invitation so I asked DH to call BIL who said "don't worry, you're invited". Immediately, I knew something was up. But DH insisted that the "you" meant all 4 of us. So I asked DH to RSVP for all of us and BIL then explained that DH was invited but the kids and I are not. DH was upset so BIL said "fine, you can bring the kids but this is about my son and not about you." When DH insisted that I be included, BIL said DH was making the event about him so he isn't invited either.

DH then asked his parents to get involved (huge mistake) and now his parents are saying that they don't understand why DH can't just go by himself, and that I (who hasn't said anything) was making a big deal about a half-day event (it's in LA so a full weekend but they think I should fly out and just stay at the hotel). DH says he doesn't care about the bar mitzvah (although he is close to his nephew because of all those extra visits) but over the past week has mentioned how close he was with his BIL before meeting me, and how even his parents supported him more before me), and he's been moping around the house.

It's crazy and I didn't think this is where the post was going but it's like I know that our relationship will never be the same again. DH loves me and the kids less now.

Not sure who is more whackadoo, you or your DH. Your story is incredibly difficult to read but I think there are large parts to the story missing

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Did DH ask his parents or BIL what's going on? Does he know? Maybe he's not telling you because he doesn't want to get into it.[/quote]

MIL/FIL claim that BIL is just under a lot of stress and that we/I am making a half-day event a bigger deal than it needs to be. BIL didn't say anything except this event is about his son and when DH asked why I can't come, that's the answer.

Maybe I am making it a bigger deal than necessary. I'm not going to LA (I'm sure there'll be a Friday dinner, a Sunday breakfast, a lunch after the bar mitzvah, and a party that night (we've been to all the cousins bar mitzvahs) so it would be a full weekend of stress and fighting as I'm either not invited our not welcome and DH would have to "make a choice" every time between being included (which he wants) and protecting me (which he also wants).

I can definitely stay in DC. That weekend is open for the bar mitzvah so I don't need to go and can hang with our girls. I'll tell DH to go (he's downstairs) -- he'll be very happy and will look for plane tickets immediately (I know him

I guess that's also the plan for next year (niece's bat mitzvah) and I guess I'm supposed to do the bigger thing and invite them to our girls (and I'm sure they'll come since they always come to our events in the past), and even if it sucks for me, it shouldn't be about me.

I still say, however, that my marriage will remember this and on his annual (sometimes semi-annual) trips to see his brother, it will now leave a bad taste in my mouth. And as "crazy" as it sounds, I will love DH a little less - or at least respect him less.[/quote]

Protect you from what? And wtf is with all of the loving each other a little less? Y'all are some special kind of strange

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL and DH were very close until BIL met me (10 years ago when we were dating). BIL never said anything specific and we rarely see him together (just family events) so it never mattered that much. BIL and DH still spoke on the phone and DH visits BIL. I visited once but I didn't feel welcome (told to stay home with nanny and their kids while BIL and DH went out and SIL saw own friends). BIL never visited DH after that visit (although visited once a year before then) and doesn't know our kids well (family events once a year or so).

Now BIL's son has a bar mitzvah next month. It was strange when we didn't get an invitation so I asked DH to call BIL who said "don't worry, you're invited". Immediately, I knew something was up. But DH insisted that the "you" meant all 4 of us. So I asked DH to RSVP for all of us and BIL then explained that DH was invited but the kids and I are not. DH was upset so BIL said "fine, you can bring the kids but this is about my son and not about you." When DH insisted that I be included, BIL said DH was making the event about him so he isn't invited either.

DH then asked his parents to get involved (huge mistake) and now his parents are saying that they don't understand why DH can't just go by himself, and that I (who hasn't said anything) was making a big deal about a half-day event (it's in LA so a full weekend but they think I should fly out and just stay at the hotel). DH says he doesn't care about the bar mitzvah (although he is close to his nephew because of all those extra visits) but over the past week has mentioned how close he was with his BIL before meeting me, and how even his parents supported him more before me), and he's been moping around the house.

It's crazy and I didn't think this is where the post was going but it's like I know that our relationship will never be the same again. DH loves me and the kids less now.

I think it's interesting that OP said that BIL didn't say "anything SPECIFIC". It makes me think that there were general grievances that maybe weren't taken seriously by OP for whatever reason. OP, what were the more general negative things they've said or implied about you?

[Anonymous]

Do you think it could partly be an issue concerning finances with the high cost of the Bar Mitzvah?

[Anonymous]

It makes me wonder if OP's BIL's family is having financial difficulties. How many guests are they inviting? I could see it if they really are having a tiny affair and feel that people flying in from DC will expect a huge event and will be disappointed if they came all the that way just for a small event. There has to be some reason for them insisting on OP bringing in drama everywhere. If that is the case, I can see why they see you as a drama queen. Nobody was invited from your family, you called to get an invite, and while in my previous post I was on OP's side thinking her ILS are rude, it is clear that even if her BIL doesn't like her, in his eyes she and his brother are creating drama. They called, they wanted an invite, he is put off(especially if party is mostly one for his son's school friends, and even more so if it is just family that lives nearby bcs of financial issues) and certainly since the phone call SIL/OP has created enormous drama. OP must know that his family dislikes her, it comes across her posts, I don't know that this is her fault at all, they could just be terrible people, but OP certainly decided to instigate this particular drama and if they are such terrible ILS, the question is why? Why do you care OP? If you did nothing and they are terrible to you and nobody was invited, why do you care? Surely you are better off without any of you going to see them, and if your DH sees how they left all of his family out, but invited bunch of people they haven't seen in 20 years, isn't that better than this insanity?

[Anonymous]

It is also telling that your chose to finish your post with dramatic "DH loves me and the kids less now." Rather than having some understanding that his birth family excluded his new family from an important event, and ask how crushing this must be for him, and how he made a point that you need to be included, it seems like you did make it all about you, making his family right. Imagine if your attitude was, "It is too bad, but try to be civil as he is your brother and they are your parents, and even if they are acting poorly, take a high road?" I bet you know the reason ILS dislike you, and while I am not justifying their reasons, you do sound dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me wonder if OP's BIL's family is having financial difficulties. How many guests are they inviting? I could see it if they really are having a tiny affair and feel that people flying in from DC will expect a huge event and will be disappointed if they came all the that way just for a small event. There has to be some reason for them insisting on OP bringing in drama everywhere. If that is the case, I can see why they see you as a drama queen. Nobody was invited from your family, you called to get an invite, and while in my previous post I was on OP's side thinking her ILS are rude, it is clear that even if her BIL doesn't like her, in his eyes she and his brother are creating drama. They called, they wanted an invite, he is put off(especially if party is mostly one for his son's school friends, and even more so if it is just family that lives nearby bcs of financial issues) and certainly since the phone call SIL/OP has created enormous drama. OP must know that his family dislikes her, it comes across her posts, I don't know that this is her fault at all, they could just be terrible people, but OP certainly decided to instigate this particular drama and if they are such terrible ILS, the question is why? Why do you care OP? If you did nothing and they are terrible to you and nobody was invited, why do you care? Surely you are better off without any of you going to see them, and if your DH sees how they left all of his family out, but invited bunch of people they haven't seen in 20 years, isn't that better than this insanity?

No. As someone who grew up in NY going to big 200-people bar/bat mitzvahs I can tell you that LA ones are done the same way. If they WERE having financial problems, they wouldn't cut their SIL. They'd cut the parents coworkers, neighbors, etc.

This is not a small half-day thing with the reception at the temple. Maybe it would be in West Memphis, Arkansas (as if there are any Jews there). This is a Friday night dinner and Sunday morning brunch. This is a big event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is also telling that your chose to finish your post with dramatic "DH loves me and the kids less now." Rather than having some understanding that his birth family excluded his new family from an important event, and ask how crushing this must be for him, and how he made a point that you need to be included, it seems like you did make it all about you, making his family right. Imagine if your attitude was, "It is too bad, but try to be civil as he is your brother and they are your parents, and even if they are acting poorly, take a high road?" I bet you know the reason ILS dislike you, and while I am not justifying their reasons, you do sound dramatic.

eh, I don't think you are being fair. If there is any drama, Op's BIL is the one who started it by purposely and pointedly excluding Op and her children from the invite. Of course that is going to create drama, duh. But BIL won't have to deal with the drama because Op and her kids won't be anywhere near him. The one who gets the drama bomb lobbed into their marriage is Op and her husband. And Op's husband is now put in this position of choosing between his family of origin or his own wife and kids. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me wonder if OP's BIL's family is having financial difficulties. How many guests are they inviting? I could see it if they really are having a tiny affair and feel that people flying in from DC will expect a huge event and will be disappointed if they came all the that way just for a small event. There has to be some reason for them insisting on OP bringing in drama everywhere. If that is the case, I can see why they see you as a drama queen. Nobody was invited from your family, you called to get an invite, and while in my previous post I was on OP's side thinking her ILS are rude, it is clear that even if her BIL doesn't like her, in his eyes she and his brother are creating drama. They called, they wanted an invite, he is put off(especially if party is mostly one for his son's school friends, and even more so if it is just family that lives nearby bcs of financial issues) and certainly since the phone call SIL/OP has created enormous drama. OP must know that his family dislikes her, it comes across her posts, I don't know that this is her fault at all, they could just be terrible people, but OP certainly decided to instigate this particular drama and if they are such terrible ILS, the question is why? Why do you care OP? If you did nothing and they are terrible to you and nobody was invited, why do you care? Surely you are better off without any of you going to see them, and if your DH sees how they left all of his family out, but invited bunch of people they haven't seen in 20 years, isn't that better than this insanity?

No. As someone who grew up in NY going to big 200-people bar/bat mitzvahs I can tell you that LA ones are done the same way. If they WERE having financial problems, they wouldn't cut their SIL. They'd cut the parents coworkers, neighbors, etc.

This is not a small half-day thing with the reception at the temple. Maybe it would be in West Memphis, Arkansas (as if there are any Jews there). This is a Friday night dinner and Sunday morning brunch. This is a big event.

Perhaps that is so, yet would you call to ask where is your invitation to bar mitzvah? If you are excluded so obviously? If then they made some lame excuse how uncle only can come? Would you still want to go? I am not saying that OP's BIL is acting as he should, far from it, nor are ILS, but why is OP having her DH call looking for an invite? Would have made more sense to maybe ask ILS first about it, like is everything ok? In times of such big family events, most families overlook just about anything, and act nice and polite even if gossiping behind the backs. There has to be some insanely bad blood there, and for that reason, I can't see why OP made her DH call. This wasn't the case of BIL calling and telling them ahead of time about the event there and then forgetting to send the invite, this was an obvious, cut to the bone exclusion. And OP must know that they hate her, that kind of animosity doesn't take you by surprise after 10 years. They hate her so much, that they are excluding their own nieces and nephews. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is also telling that your chose to finish your post with dramatic "DH loves me and the kids less now." Rather than having some understanding that his birth family excluded his new family from an important event, and ask how crushing this must be for him, and how he made a point that you need to be included, it seems like you did make it all about you, making his family right. Imagine if your attitude was, "It is too bad, but try to be civil as he is your brother and they are your parents, and even if they are acting poorly, take a high road?" I bet you know the reason ILS dislike you, and while I am not justifying their reasons, you do sound dramatic.

eh, I don't think you are being fair. If there is any drama, Op's BIL is the one who started it by purposely and pointedly excluding Op and her children from the invite. Of course that is going to create drama, duh. But BIL won't have to deal with the drama because Op and her kids won't be anywhere near him. The one who gets the drama bomb lobbed into their marriage is Op and her husband. And Op's husband is now put in this position of choosing between his family of origin or his own wife and kids. Nice.

So you are telling me that when your DH gets and invite in his name to bar mitzvah, your first thought is to call the person inviting and ask if the whole family was invited? If my DH got the invite to his sister's wedding, I would assume that me and the kids were invited too unless specified. Certainly, sticklers for form would address to Smith Family, but if they didn't call about the invite, they would have all showed up at the event and that would have been the end of it. Yet, he called to make sure his wife and kids are invited? That is not what grown men married for 10 years do. Of course anybody normal would assume YOU meant all of them, why didn't her DH assume that? There is way more going on here. Somebody is hiding something. OP, are you a second wife, who broke a marriage? Does he have kids over there? You were also told to stay at home with the nanny? Why? And why bring this up if it was ages ago? Are you bringing up imagined slights and seeing slights in smallest gestures? So, what if your DH and his brother went out on their own? Do you begrudge him some one on one time with his brother? It is clear that you do. Most likely you caused a big fight over this "slight" and your DH told his brother, almost all the reasons for ILS to dislike DIL or SIL come from their own child or sibling bad mouthing their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Oh my! This post has taken off.

DH is going by himself for the weekend. Yes, we both assume it will be big (and BIL is not paying for it -- my MIL/FIL are -- who have no big problems with me and just visited us a couple months ago but they are now mad at me because now they think I'm creating a fight between their sons and they really want DH there who they were afraid was going to miss it and don't understand why I can't just "shut-up" -- their actual words and they won't hear that I did NOT say anything-- they think DH didn't need an invitation or to RSVP or don't understand why I would fly with two full-priced kids for one weekend). DH has also decided he will go to our niece's bat mitzvah next year but that he will not invite his brother to any more of our family events (although that won't last because my MIL/FIL will be very upset for the same reason an will probably only be okay with us excluding BIL's family but our girls are young so I'm hoping this is resolved). So, basically both of us are feeling pretty shitty and don't want to be married at this moment.

I'm not going to pretend like my MIL/FIL and I get along great but we are cordial and they would never play that "DH and I are going to grab beers and a streak and we don't have an extra car (SIL was going out with her friends) but you can walk around the neighborhood or hang out at home" like my BIL did the ONE time I visited. I thought it was the right thing to do to be like "no way am I putting myself in that position EVER again but you had a fabulous time so you should feel free to visit whenever you want.". It seemed mature but hindsight is 20/20.

So those speculations about it being small or not having money for me don't make sense. And we've know about the bar mitzvah for over a year -- MIL/FIL told me and BIL had talked about it a lot with DH -- he clearly wasn't going to send an invitation but he definitely invited DH -- and BIL already told DH the date for the bat mitzvah in an email that ONLY says that (as in "We just reserved the venue for Becca's bat mitzvah bash on Oct. 27 2018").

What does make sense -- 1. Yes, I resent my husband for these trips. They are expensive and annoying and his brother had never -- literally not once -- visited us in DC and we find out about his often trips to his in-laws in NY through Facebook, have asked him to visit, and he has said that he doesn't have time or money. When we then point out that we don't have money to visit him, he tells us that FIL will pay (which he would but it's not the point and FIL would pay for his trips too but since he's already flying to NY, he says he can't do DC). I guess I resent them more now but hindsight is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have put up with this.

2. Yee, I'm not that Jewish. I mean, I was raised Jewish but my mom isn't and it's probably true that they don't consider me a "real" Jew but they are not orthodox so that sounds crazy to me. But again, hindsight is 20/20 so it could have been something but they never said anything to us and we do belong to a synogouge and I swear that my life would have been so much better if they just said something TEN years ago.

3. Yes, my BIl has never said anything "specific" but yes there were the silliest little comments made to me from MIL/FIL like how BIL thought it was gross that I breastfed (FIL told DH who told me) or that I was inappropriate for bringing our newborn baby to my MIL's mother's funeral (MIL was fine but said to DH that BIL was upset). He was irked about our wedding day (said it was inconvenient). Or sometimes BIL says to DH that DH doesn't seem "happy" now that he's married (he IS happy). But NONE of these things were ever said to me and none of these things were ever "big" and all of there things happened WAY after he met me when DH and I were dating and snubbed me. He kind of ignored me when he met me and DH kept trying to steer the conversation to us (it was right before we got engaged so we were quite serious).

4. Yes, we need to go to counseling. I'm not going to bring it up now because we are both in a pretty shitty situation -- he's sleeping on the sofa and we are barely speaking. I've lost a lot of respect for him and he doesn't understand why I'm being "so sensitive" and why I didn't work harder at making things work with his brother 10 years ago and feels like I made my own bed. But post- bar mitzvah weekend when we calm down and get a weekend APART (yes, I am actually HAPPY about it now), I will bring it up.

5. Yes, I am being dramatic and full of self-pity and not taking this well. And it's probably why I am not sharing any of it with my own friends or family because I am embarrassed of my behavior and only with DCUM. I just had a lot dumped on me and am trying to have perspective and "go high".

[Anonymous]

So... your in laws expect you to include your BIL and his family in events even though they exclude you, and tell you to "just shut up" and take it, and your husband allows this to continue? OP, you already know you have a serious husband problem... he puts his brother and parents before you. I don't know if I could stay married knowing I come dead last to my spouse. You should be a package deal, and if you are deliberately excluded from events, your husband shouldn't even consider attending - his attendance is basically reinforcing that it's ok for your family to treat you like crap.