Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see where the drama llama lives and it isn't LA. Your husband loves you AND your kids less? You are the problem here. It is telling you can't even admit why.

You may be like my mom--she seems to have forgotten all the terrible things she did and said to my brother and laments that he dislikes her "for no reason."

I think without more info it's impossible to tell. OP may have done something the first time they met to deeply offend them, or she may get obnoxiously drink at events, etc. Or, the BIL and parents in law may just be assholes who are enjoying being cruel to someone for no reason and DH may be too used to their assholeness to stand up to them. Need more of the story.

[Anonymous]

Nothing matters except that BIL is only inviting DH and is excluding the rest of the family. That is rude and crass. He either invites them all or excludes them all. Doesn't matter what else his issues are with OP and her kids (which to exclude the kids is just freaking weird).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

It sounds as though BIL and his wife were giving Op the cold shoulder from the get go. You think Op needs counseling to figure out why people who barely speak to her and aren't particularly civil towards her don't like her?

Seems to me the ones with the issues are not Op. It is understandable that Op's dh wants to see his parents and brother - he grew up with them, they raised him, of course he loves them. But they also sound like manipulators who offer conditional love - on their terms only. He either takes it or leaves it. When they ask him to jump, it is his job to ask how high.

This has probably been the way it's been for Op's dh since before he met Op. He doesn't recognize it as a problem because that is all he knows.

Not really why I suggested counselling. I would want to figure out the marriage where she talks about loving each other less because of his birth family. I would also figure out boundaries ahead of time, knowing these exclusions occur and how to not get into the drama. That's just how I live. I probably wouldn't stay married to someone that let his family treat me and my kids this way. And I don't like divorce - married 30 years to my high school sweetheart with many issues worked out along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing matters except that BIL is only inviting DH and is excluding the rest of the family. That is rude and crass. He either invites them all or excludes them all. Doesn't matter what else his issues are with OP and her kids (which to exclude the kids is just freaking weird).

It sounds like they didn't expect DH to go either. It's not rude or crass to not want people you don't like and clearly don't get along with at a function that's important to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

I disagree with this. Whatever the issues between them, it's inappropriate for BIL to invite OP's DH to a family event but specifically exclude the rest of his family. That OP isn't speculating doesn't see problematic to be, it's kind of the opposite of creating drama -- OP accepts the situation for what it is and doesn't need to spin stories to justify herself or demonize them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

It sounds as though BIL and his wife were giving Op the cold shoulder from the get go. You think Op needs counseling to figure out why people who barely speak to her and aren't particularly civil towards her don't like her?

Seems to me the ones with the issues are not Op. It is understandable that Op's dh wants to see his parents and brother - he grew up with them, they raised him, of course he loves them. But they also sound like manipulators who offer conditional love - on their terms only. He either takes it or leaves it. When they ask him to jump, it is his job to ask how high.

This has probably been the way it's been for Op's dh since before he met Op. He doesn't recognize it as a problem because that is all he knows.

Not really why I suggested counselling. I would want to figure out the marriage where she talks about loving each other less because of his birth family. I would also figure out boundaries ahead of time, knowing these exclusions occur and how to not get into the drama. That's just how I live. I probably wouldn't stay married to someone that let his family treat me and my kids this way. And I don't like divorce - married 30 years to my high school sweetheart with many issues worked out along the way.

Op's dh is the one who needs counseling because he is the one who views the exclusion of his wife and children as normal and o.k. That is not coming from Op, that is coming from her dh and his family. The one thing that is notable, though, is that the BIL gave this invitation AFTER Op asked her dh to ask BIL about it. It seems as though maybe BIL was not going to invite her dh either until her dh asked about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

It sounds as though BIL and his wife were giving Op the cold shoulder from the get go. You think Op needs counseling to figure out why people who barely speak to her and aren't particularly civil towards her don't like her?

Seems to me the ones with the issues are not Op. It is understandable that Op's dh wants to see his parents and brother - he grew up with them, they raised him, of course he loves them. But they also sound like manipulators who offer conditional love - on their terms only. He either takes it or leaves it. When they ask him to jump, it is his job to ask how high.

This has probably been the way it's been for Op's dh since before he met Op. He doesn't recognize it as a problem because that is all he knows.

Not really why I suggested counselling. I would want to figure out the marriage where she talks about loving each other less because of his birth family. I would also figure out boundaries ahead of time, knowing these exclusions occur and how to not get into the drama. That's just how I live. I probably wouldn't stay married to someone that let his family treat me and my kids this way. And I don't like divorce - married 30 years to my high school sweetheart with many issues worked out along the way.

Op's dh is the one who needs counseling because he is the one who views the exclusion of his wife and children as normal and o.k. That is not coming from Op, that is coming from her dh and his family. The one thing that is notable, though, is that the BIL gave this invitation AFTER Op asked her dh to ask BIL about it. It seems as though maybe BIL was not going to invite her dh either until her dh asked about it.

Clearly dh would benefit from counselling, but he isn't the one posting here or looking for a change. We can only change/control ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

It sounds as though BIL and his wife were giving Op the cold shoulder from the get go. You think Op needs counseling to figure out why people who barely speak to her and aren't particularly civil towards her don't like her?

Seems to me the ones with the issues are not Op. It is understandable that Op's dh wants to see his parents and brother - he grew up with them, they raised him, of course he loves them. But they also sound like manipulators who offer conditional love - on their terms only. He either takes it or leaves it. When they ask him to jump, it is his job to ask how high.

This has probably been the way it's been for Op's dh since before he met Op. He doesn't recognize it as a problem because that is all he knows.

Not really why I suggested counselling. I would want to figure out the marriage where she talks about loving each other less because of his birth family. I would also figure out boundaries ahead of time, knowing these exclusions occur and how to not get into the drama. That's just how I live. I probably wouldn't stay married to someone that let his family treat me and my kids this way. And I don't like divorce - married 30 years to my high school sweetheart with many issues worked out along the way.

Op's dh is the one who needs counseling because he is the one who views the exclusion of his wife and children as normal and o.k. That is not coming from Op, that is coming from her dh and his family. The one thing that is notable, though, is that the BIL gave this invitation AFTER Op asked her dh to ask BIL about it. It seems as though maybe BIL was not going to invite her dh either until her dh asked about it.

Clearly dh would benefit from counselling, but he isn't the one posting here or looking for a change. We can only change/control ourselves.

Actually it sounds as though Op has a handle on the situation. She seems to get that her husband's family is mistreating her and her kids. So she is willingly backing away from them, not stirring up drama and her husband is now the one with some choices to make. I wouldn't act like this exclusion was no big deal because it is a big deal and it is hurtful. There is also not a thing that Op can do about it. His family has apparently drawn a line in the sand when it comes to Op and only her dh is allowed on their side of the line. That's a shame but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore those speculating that you surely are to blame, you get drunk around these relatives, whatever. DCUM always has plenty of posters who leap to blame an OP for all the troubles the OP mentions.

I have to second those saying marriage counseling or couples therapy or whatever for you and your husband is the next step. Here's why: While your DH is indeed a big player in the problem, you too need to involve a neutral third party like a therapist or counselor. You and DH now have a wall between you that his BIL and parents built and DH has done nothing to tear down; and you have not spoken up over the years about it.

You actually already have some good script for how to talk to your DH about this initially and get started on expressing yourself about this marriage-long problem. You write several things in an earlier post that you can modify into ways to address this with him:

"BIL and SIL and kids came to our engagement party, wedding, baby shower. They see us at other funerals, weddings, baby showers, bar mitzvahs. I want to say up front to you -- and I really hope you can hear and remember this -- they have never purposefully been mean towards me and there has been no outward drama. I am not claiming any outward conflict on their part. However, the situation around this one bar mitzvah has brought to a head years of what I feel is a very cool attitude toward me on their part. But my real issue now is not them, but our marriage. I feel hurt and confused: You are now saying that things were not like this before I was around. Can you see how I as your wife would find that comment hurtful? I feel like I'm being looked at by you differently now.

"I feel that you clearly want me to say it's OK for you to go alone and that I will be fine with that, but I have to say I'm afraid for the future after this bar mitzvah. I fear that you will resent me for somehow coming between you and your family. And I fear I will resent you for going and not telling them you would not go without your wife to a family event. All this is why I am asking you to start marriage counseling with me, because we are not communicating well; we both seem to have bottled up resentments over a long time; and I feel we need a neutral third party to help us figure out how we got to this point." (Use "I feel X when you do Y" statements, not "You did this!" statements.)

If he is balky, tell him that this looms large for you even if it doesn't for him, and as partners in the marriage, you are asking him to commit to counseling; it won't be for years on end; but it is important to you.

If he tries to say, this is nonsense, it's just one bar mitzvah, let's just drop it, they're nice to you and you're civil to them so forget it etc., tell him that the issue is not the one bar mitzvah and not even his BIL and parents' statements around the event. It is now about something larger, as you see it. And if he does not see it that way, you are STILL asking him to participate in counseling with you because YOU see it that way.

You have a minor in-law issue but a much larger marriage issue. Some are going to say forget about it, but the fact DH would not stand up for your inclusion (or wouldn't just say firmly, "We'll all be there, see you soon" and just TAKE you and your kids as a unit) is not good. The fact he makes comments about how things were different (read: better with BIL) before you were around is pretty damaging.

DH may be aware of whatever it is that keeps BIL so chilly toward you. But you're not after some kind of warm and fuzzy new relationship with BIL here so don't let that aspect distract you. The issue is you and DH.

Regarding the event itself, I would probably at this point tell him that if he wants to go solo, he can, and if he wants to take you and the kids you are willing to go but you will not sit in a hotel room while he and the kids go to the several bar mitzvah events. Either way, he commits to counseling afterward (starting before the event, if at all possible). I admit that I would be concerned that if he goes alone, his BIL, SIL and parents are going to badmouth you while they have him there without you. I would find that pretty worrying especially as he is already making comments about his relationships with them being better before you.

[Anonymous]

I'd have your husband go, plan something fun for you and your girls (maybe go visit your own relatives?), and try to get to the bottom of it after the bar mitzvah. I would let your husband know that BIL and family will NOT be invited to your girls' bat mitzvahs if this is how you and the girls are treated. But don't stop him from going, since you will always be blamed for that.

Bar mitzvahs are large and all kinds of people get invited, so to exclude an aunt-by-marriage is very strange and very pointed. Tell your husband that after the bar mitzvah, he needs to get to the bottom of it. And point out to him that if things were better in the past, that's your BIL and SIL's fault, not anything you did or are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have your husband go, plan something fun for you and your girls (maybe go visit your own relatives?), and try to get to the bottom of it after the bar mitzvah. I would let your husband know that BIL and family will NOT be invited to your girls' bat mitzvahs if this is how you and the girls are treated. But don't stop him from going, since you will always be blamed for that.

Bar mitzvahs are large and all kinds of people get invited, so to exclude an aunt-by-marriage is very strange and very pointed. Tell your husband that after the bar mitzvah, he needs to get to the bottom of it. And point out to him that if things were better in the past, that's your BIL and SIL's fault, not anything you did or are doing.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

How odd that BIL would mention that the bar mitzvah is about his son since that is so obvious, unless he is worried about your nuclear family's presence taking attention away from the honoree. This would indicate to me that your presence since you married into the family has caused drama among your in-laws. How unfair and unfortunate! It may very well be because you are Reform and the family is Conservative. Your DH is having misgivings about not being as close to his family as he used to be and blaming you. That is not the loving behavior of a husband towards his spouse (and children). He should stand up for you and his children and decline to attend. That's what a mensch would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How odd that BIL would mention that the bar mitzvah is about his son since that is so obvious, unless he is worried about your nuclear family's presence taking attention away from the honoree. This would indicate to me that your presence since you married into the family has caused drama among your in-laws. How unfair and unfortunate! It may very well be because you are Reform and the family is Conservative. Your DH is having misgivings about not being as close to his family as he used to be and blaming you. That is not the loving behavior of a husband towards his spouse (and children). He should stand up for you and his children and decline to attend. That's what a mensch would do.

BIL (and/or his wife) may just be jealous of Op and her kids. Maybe Op and her kids make BIL's family look bad by comparison.

BIL might be deliberately trying to drive a wedge between Op's dh and his parents, hoping to drive his brother out of the family picture (and inheritance).

BIL may just be a drama loving, sh*t stirring ahole.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like BIL is jealous of any attention paid to his brother and family. I'd let DH attend and leave BIL out of future invites.

[Anonymous]

If this is really how it is, your BIl and ILS are incredibly rude and you don't need them in your lives. Cut off contact.