Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

BIL and DH were very close until BIL met me (10 years ago when we were dating). BIL never said anything specific and we rarely see him together (just family events) so it never mattered that much. BIL and DH still spoke on the phone and DH visits BIL. I visited once but I didn't feel welcome (told to stay home with nanny and their kids while BIL and DH went out and SIL saw own friends). BIL never visited DH after that visit (although visited once a year before then) and doesn't know our kids well (family events once a year or so).

Now BIL's son has a bar mitzvah next month. It was strange when we didn't get an invitation so I asked DH to call BIL who said "don't worry, you're invited". Immediately, I knew something was up. But DH insisted that the "you" meant all 4 of us. So I asked DH to RSVP for all of us and BIL then explained that DH was invited but the kids and I are not. DH was upset so BIL said "fine, you can bring the kids but this is about my son and not about you." When DH insisted that I be included, BIL said DH was making the event about him so he isn't invited either.

DH then asked his parents to get involved (huge mistake) and now his parents are saying that they don't understand why DH can't just go by himself, and that I (who hasn't said anything) was making a big deal about a half-day event (it's in LA so a full weekend but they think I should fly out and just stay at the hotel). DH says he doesn't care about the bar mitzvah (although he is close to his nephew because of all those extra visits) but over the past week has mentioned how close he was with his BIL before meeting me, and how even his parents supported him more before me), and he's been moping around the house.

It's crazy and I didn't think this is where the post was going but it's like I know that our relationship will never be the same again. DH loves me and the kids less now.

[Anonymous]

That's insane. I feel like some of the story must be missing. Have you created drama before? Just tell your H to go without you guys if he's going to mope. But I wouldn't let the kids go without you.

[Anonymous]

There's something missing here. Why doesn't the BIL likes you? It looks like he doesn't and neither do his parents ...

I wouldn't go and would let my husband go if he wanted to.

[Anonymous]

There must be a reason all this is happening whether it is perceived or real?

[Anonymous]

I also get the feeling you are leaving stuff out. Also, the segue in the last paragraph - how your DH "loves you less now" - what the what? Is this a glimpse into your crazy?

[Anonymous]

BIL sounds like the high drama llama. The fact that he kept saying "this is about my son and not about you" "don't make it about you" and then issued the invite to just your husband excluding you and your kids....

Uhhhh, that would create drama. Duh. Sounds like you have become the unwitting scapegoat in that family - the one who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong and is shunned for being the "bad guy" (the family trouble maker) even when you haven't said one word to them.

Your husband is caught circling outside the group trying to win their approval. And he only gets their approval by shunning his own wife and kids.

Your husband is now in the unfortunate position of choosing between his family of origin and his own wife and children. What a lousy situation for him to be in. I would go on the trip with him, stay in a nice hotel and do something (more) fun with my kids while he attends the event with his family. Or I would just stay home with the kids and avoid the drama altogether.

[Anonymous]

That is awful. Are you Jewish? You absolutely cannot invite 1:2 a couple. I would expect DH to take my side in that aruemrnt and break ties with his brother.

[Anonymous]

Are your a Jewish, OP? This sounds like a situation where a guy married a non-Jew and his family took it badly. I am a non-Jew married to a Jew and DH's immediate family is great. But, some of his extended family is like this and I am specifically disinvited to some events because they do not want a non-Jew there (weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.). It is what it is. I stay home and don't worry about it. I view it as their problem, not mine.

[Anonymous]

There really is no more to the story. There was no fight and no comments. BIL and SIL and kids came to our engagement party, wedding, baby shower. They see us at other funerals, weddings, baby showers, bar mitzvahs. They always seemed to snub me a bit (since that first meeting) and never got to know me but never purposefully were mean.

They just never bothered to get to know me or our kids and seemed annoyed the one time I visited LA with my husband but no drama.

I feel like it's a big deal if DH goes without me. All his comments make it clear that is what he wants -- me to just be okay with him going by himself, give him permission, have him make up with his brother, and go by himself. But then what happens next year (his niece is 11 so her bat mitzvah is next year) and what do we do when our 6 & 8 year olds have their bat mitzvahs?

I'm afraid that I'll resent DH if he goes to this sevent without me after it was made clear that I was excluded or that he'll resent me if he misses it. Either way, how will our marriage be the same? We have both been living with our heads in the sand, I guess, but his brother never said anything and hindsight is 20/20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your a Jewish, OP? This sounds like a situation where a guy married a non-Jew and his family took it badly. I am a non-Jew married to a Jew and DH's immediate family is great. But, some of his extended family is like this and I am specifically disinvited to some events because they do not want a non-Jew there (weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.). It is what it is. I stay home and don't worry about it. I view it as their problem, not mine.

Yes, Jewish but reform. I guess this makes sense since the family is conservative but a stretch and they came to all our events.

[Anonymous]

Did DH ask his parents or BIL what's going on? Does he know? Maybe he's not telling you because he doesn't want to get into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also get the feeling you are leaving stuff out. Also, the segue in the last paragraph - how your DH "loves you less now" - what the what? Is this a glimpse into your crazy?

What I mean is the comments about how nothing like this happened until I came into the picture. (For example, BIL included DH's prior girlfriends to all the family events that happened before me -- the engagement party, wedding, baby showers, bris, naming). It's like he looks at me differently. I see how it sounds crazy but I know my husband and he seems to see that life could have been better.

[Anonymous]

You need to find out what the deal is. Ask specifically why you are not invited, DH needs to find this out and tell you.

[Anonymous]

There's a missing piece here, op. They object to you for some reason. I'm not entirely sure how relevant that is, but it could help figure out if this might be resolvable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your a Jewish, OP? This sounds like a situation where a guy married a non-Jew and his family took it badly. I am a non-Jew married to a Jew and DH's immediate family is great. But, some of his extended family is like this and I am specifically disinvited to some events because they do not want a non-Jew there (weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.). It is what it is. I stay home and don't worry about it. I view it as their problem, not mine.

Yes, Jewish but reform. I guess this makes sense since the family is conservative but a stretch and they came to all our events.

Do they not think of you as Jewish?