Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

If you never received an invitation none of you were invited. Period.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Did DH ask his parents or BIL what's going on? Does he know? Maybe he's not telling you because he doesn't want to get into it.[/quote]

MIL/FIL claim that BIL is just under a lot of stress and that we/I am making a half-day event a bigger deal than it needs to be. BIL didn't say anything except this event is about his son and when DH asked why I can't come, that's the answer.

Maybe I am making it a bigger deal than necessary. I'm not going to LA (I'm sure there'll be a Friday dinner, a Sunday breakfast, a lunch after the bar mitzvah, and a party that night (we've been to all the cousins bar mitzvahs) so it would be a full weekend of stress and fighting as I'm either not invited our not welcome and DH would have to "make a choice" every time between being included (which he wants) and protecting me (which he also wants).

I can definitely stay in DC. That weekend is open for the bar mitzvah so I don't need to go and can hang with our girls. I'll tell DH to go (he's downstairs) -- he'll be very happy and will look for plane tickets immediately (I know him

I guess that's also the plan for next year (niece's bat mitzvah) and I guess I'm supposed to do the bigger thing and invite them to our girls (and I'm sure they'll come since they always come to our events in the past), and even if it sucks for me, it shouldn't be about me.

I still say, however, that my marriage will remember this and on his annual (sometimes semi-annual) trips to see his brother, it will now leave a bad taste in my mouth. And as "crazy" as it sounds, I will love DH a little less - or at least respect him less.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that. Seriously. Tell him that you do not want yourself or your girls to go on this trip because you are clearly not welcomed there. But you will not tell him that he should not go. Clearly they want to see him.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it's sickening, OP.

Your husband's behavior, I mean.
He should have stood up for you from the very beginning and made then understand clearly that you were a single unit.

You two need to go to counseling so that he can understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it's sickening, OP.

Your husband's behavior, I mean.
He should have stood up for you from the very beginning and made then understand clearly that you were a single unit.

You two need to go to counseling so that he can understand this.

This,you both need a plan going forward so that both of your feelings and wants are considered. A third party will help you both figure this out and be up front about what is okay and what is not okay. Have him go, but insist on this for future issues.

[Anonymous]

Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it's sickening, OP.

Your husband's behavior, I mean.
He should have stood up for you from the very beginning and made then understand clearly that you were a single unit.

You two need to go to counseling so that he can understand this.

This,you both need a plan going forward so that both of your feelings and wants are considered. A third party will help you both figure this out and be up front about what is okay and what is not okay. Have him go, but insist on this for future issues.

Or maybe Op's dh will go on this trip knowing that his wife and kids were purposely excluded and decide that he and his own family deserve better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

[Anonymous]

Op this is not on topic but just in case no one ever tells you this in your real life, you use way too many parenthesis. It makes it hard to follow your writing and suggests a lack of confidence that what you are saying is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

It sounds as though BIL and his wife were giving Op the cold shoulder from the get go. You think Op needs counseling to figure out why people who barely speak to her and aren't particularly civil towards her don't like her?

Seems to me the ones with the issues are not Op. It is understandable that Op's dh wants to see his parents and brother - he grew up with them, they raised him, of course he loves them. But they also sound like manipulators who offer conditional love - on their terms only. He either takes it or leaves it. When they ask him to jump, it is his job to ask how high.

This has probably been the way it's been for Op's dh since before he met Op. He doesn't recognize it as a problem because that is all he knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This. Something does not add up. OP may genuinely not know, but I bet her husband does. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if OP's husband did something to offend his brother and blamed it on OP thinking it wouldn't be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I agree there has to be something else, maybe that you are not aware of.

Either way, the fact that your DH would be willing to exclude you says much. Your marriage will suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

This is the part that doesn't make sense. Do they not think you're actually Jewish? Or is there something about you that they didn't accept from the beginning of your relationship? Like divorced, kids from previous relationship, your job, education, your family, something from your background....?

It sounds like you need counselling. That's not snarky at all - I see a therapist as needed.

It sounds as though BIL and his wife were giving Op the cold shoulder from the get go. You think Op needs counseling to figure out why people who barely speak to her and aren't particularly civil towards her don't like her?

Seems to me the ones with the issues are not Op. It is understandable that Op's dh wants to see his parents and brother - he grew up with them, they raised him, of course he loves them. But they also sound like manipulators who offer conditional love - on their terms only. He either takes it or leaves it. When they ask him to jump, it is his job to ask how high.

This has probably been the way it's been for Op's dh since before he met Op. He doesn't recognize it as a problem because that is all he knows.

It does matter what the reason is and, more to the point, whether OP and DH think there is any validity to it. If OP's perception is that her DH is blaming her, more or less, by saying that BIL used to include his previous girlfriends then does he think that her behavior is to blame? Or what? If it's something religious, do Op and her DH respect their view on that or not? If it's clear to everyone that they just don't like her for no reason at all, what is DH's justification for taking their side over OP's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it is very noticeable that you don't even mention it hypothesize about why they don't like you, or why you think they don't like you, or what your DH says when you ask him why they don't like you. This is the big missing piece in this weird story. What is the reason? Or, why don't you seem curious about it?

I disagree with this. Whatever the issues between them, it's inappropriate for BIL to invite OP's DH to a family event but specifically exclude the rest of his family. That OP isn't speculating doesn't see problematic to be, it's kind of the opposite of creating drama -- OP accepts the situation for what it is and doesn't need to spin stories to justify herself or demonize them.

[Anonymous]

I can see where the drama llama lives and it isn't LA. Your husband loves you AND your kids less? You are the problem here. It is telling you can't even admit why.

You may be like my mom--she seems to have forgotten all the terrible things she did and said to my brother and laments that he dislikes her "for no reason."