Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you never received an invitation none of you were invited. Period.

+1 Sounds like BIL intended on excluding your entire family. Or hoped to.

[Anonymous]

I think your DH is upset that he doesn't have the relationship with his brother that he would like to have. There are a lot of feelings that come with that.
I think you are upset that your DH isn't standing up and defending you like you believe he should.

There is definitely more to the story. Maybe you don't know the missing piece yet because BIL never said what his issue is.

I would encourage DH to resolve his relationship with BIL irregardless of this event. Did your DH ask BIL why you are excluded from the event? It seems odd that he wouldn't ask why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have your husband go, plan something fun for you and your girls (maybe go visit your own relatives?), and try to get to the bottom of it after the bar mitzvah. I would let your husband know that BIL and family will NOT be invited to your girls' bat mitzvahs if this is how you and the girls are treated. But don't stop him from going, since you will always be blamed for that.

Bar mitzvahs are large and all kinds of people get invited, so to exclude an aunt-by-marriage is very strange and very pointed. Tell your husband that after the bar mitzvah, he needs to get to the bottom of it. And point out to him that if things were better in the past, that's your BIL and SIL's fault, not anything you did or are doing.

Yep.

I agree. I also understand how this is a chink in your marriage and agree with the PPs that suggest counseling to work through. No way in f'ing hell should you invite them to your kids' bat mitzvahs.

My DH's sister married a Reformed Jew and converted to Judaism. Their events are inclusive of the non-Jewish side. We are with them on Yom Kippur, go to bar/bat mitzvahs, seder, etc. My SIL never stopped being my DH's sister even though she's now Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH is upset that he doesn't have the relationship with his brother that he would like to have. There are a lot of feelings that come with that.
I think you are upset that your DH isn't standing up and defending you like you believe he should.

There is definitely more to the story. Maybe you don't know the missing piece yet because BIL never said what his issue is.

I would encourage DH to resolve his relationship with BIL irregardless of this event. Did your DH ask BIL why you are excluded from the event? It seems odd that he wouldn't ask why.

"This is about my son, not you", "Don't make it about you".

BIL does not want to discuss it. Conversation will need to take place after this event. But the way that BIL is conveying this message is hurtful and that's going to carry consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have your husband go, plan something fun for you and your girls (maybe go visit your own relatives?), and try to get to the bottom of it after the bar mitzvah. I would let your husband know that BIL and family will NOT be invited to your girls' bat mitzvahs if this is how you and the girls are treated. But don't stop him from going, since you will always be blamed for that.

Bar mitzvahs are large and all kinds of people get invited, so to exclude an aunt-by-marriage is very strange and very pointed. Tell your husband that after the bar mitzvah, he needs to get to the bottom of it. And point out to him that if things were better in the past, that's your BIL and SIL's fault, not anything you did or are doing.

Yep.

I agree. I also understand how this is a chink in your marriage and agree with the PPs that suggest counseling to work through. No way in f'ing hell should you invite them to your kids' bat mitzvahs.

My DH's sister married a Reformed Jew and converted to Judaism. Their events are inclusive of the non-Jewish side. We are with them on Yom Kippur, go to bar/bat mitzvahs, seder, etc. My SIL never stopped being my DH's sister even though she's now Jewish.

That is the way it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have your husband go, plan something fun for you and your girls (maybe go visit your own relatives?), and try to get to the bottom of it after the bar mitzvah. I would let your husband know that BIL and family will NOT be invited to your girls' bat mitzvahs if this is how you and the girls are treated. But don't stop him from going, since you will always be blamed for that.

Bar mitzvahs are large and all kinds of people get invited, so to exclude an aunt-by-marriage is very strange and very pointed. Tell your husband that after the bar mitzvah, he needs to get to the bottom of it. And point out to him that if things were better in the past, that's your BIL and SIL's fault, not anything you did or are doing.

Yep.

I would agree with this.

In our house if we aren'the all invited nobody goes. We skipped "family" Christmas one year for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Since family is very important to your husband, I wonder why he chose to marry someone his family is not fond of and does not bond with. I'm surprised actually. I do feel bad for you OP. It sounds like a shitty situation to deal with for the rest of your life.

Since it'll likely never change, you should focus on your own friends and family, and people who love and care about you and your kids, and want to include all of you in their lives. Ignore the negativity from your husbands family, don't let it get the best of you.

[Anonymous]

Did DH move to DC because of you?
Maybe his brother and parents are upset that he moved away to be with you.
Or maybe they are upset that he is not orthodox anymore but more casual about the religion because he married a reform Jew.
Is there any reason they may think, perhaps mistakenly, that you are a gold digger or somehow trapped DH?
It all sounds rather messed up. I don't think I would be willing to go to a major family event if my husband was intentionally excluded. It just would not feel right. Your DH definitely needs therapy. He needs to understand that he does not need their approval and that he has to set boundaries. They clearly know they can walk all over DH. Trust me - if they knew or were even slightly worried that he would not stand for this nonsense, they wouldn't try it. The problem with him going on his own is that his family's behaviour towards you will now get worse. They have been given the green light that he is willing to put up with their nonsense.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense, OP. Since you are Jewish you know this. It is unthinkable that an uncle, aunt and first cousins would not be invited to the bar mitzvah unless there was a specific reason/falling out - a bar mitzvah is a life cycle event, you invite family (heck, you don't even need to be invited to go to the service). DH would know this, as would his parents, as would his brother. So the fact that all of them are implying that you are overreacting is just ... crazy. There must be more to this, and if your DH wants to attend even though his wife and children are not invited, that tells me that he knows what is going on and isn't telling you, a major breach in your relationship IMO. I would directly say this to my dh, not just assent to his going and then let it chip away at our relationship in a passive aggressive fashion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense, OP. Since you are Jewish you know this. It is unthinkable that an uncle, aunt and first cousins would not be invited to the bar mitzvah unless there was a specific reason/falling out - a bar mitzvah is a life cycle event, you invite family (heck, you don't even need to be invited to go to the service). DH would know this, as would his parents, as would his brother. So the fact that all of them are implying that you are overreacting is just ... crazy. There must be more to this, and if your DH wants to attend even though his wife and children are not invited, that tells me that he knows what is going on and isn't telling you, a major breach in your relationship IMO. I would directly say this to my dh, not just assent to his going and then let it chip away at our relationship in a passive aggressive fashion.

You're being gaslighted, OP. First by your in-laws who are insisting you are "making this about you" and then by your husband. This situation is beyond bizarre. It seems to me you have two choices. You either show up as a family of four, for everything -- Bar Mitzvah and all associated events or you all stay home. All of you. You tell your husband to pick between the two. If he can't or won't get on board or wants to go without you, I think it's time for marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

So your husband's family is misbehaving and treating you poorly. They are not treating you as family.

What I don't understand is how you go from that to all your insecurity about your own life, your own family, and your husband's commitment to it. It doesn't follow from your comments, and it is the real problem you need to resolve.
* if it is just you being insecure, get a therapist to help
* if it is your husband truly choosing his birth family over the one he created with you, then get a marriage counselor ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense, OP. Since you are Jewish you know this. It is unthinkable that an uncle, aunt and first cousins would not be invited to the bar mitzvah unless there was a specific reason/falling out - a bar mitzvah is a life cycle event, you invite family (heck, you don't even need to be invited to go to the service). DH would know this, as would his parents, as would his brother. So the fact that all of them are implying that you are overreacting is just ... crazy. There must be more to this, and if your DH wants to attend even though his wife and children are not invited, that tells me that he knows what is going on and isn't telling you, a major breach in your relationship IMO. I would directly say this to my dh, not just assent to his going and then let it chip away at our relationship in a passive aggressive fashion.

You're being gaslighted, OP. First by your in-laws who are insisting you are "making this about you" and then by your husband. This situation is beyond bizarre. It seems to me you have two choices. You either show up as a family of four, for everything -- Bar Mitzvah and all associated events or you all stay home. All of you. You tell your husband to pick between the two. If he can't or won't get on board or wants to go without you, I think it's time for marriage counseling.

I totally agree. This situation makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL and DH were very close until BIL met me (10 years ago when we were dating). BIL never said anything specific and we rarely see him together (just family events) so it never mattered that much. BIL and DH still spoke on the phone and DH visits BIL. I visited once but I didn't feel welcome (told to stay home with nanny and their kids while BIL and DH went out and SIL saw own friends). BIL never visited DH after that visit (although visited once a year before then) and doesn't know our kids well (family events once a year or so).

Now BIL's son has a bar mitzvah next month. It was strange when we didn't get an invitation so I asked DH to call BIL who said "don't worry, you're invited". Immediately, I knew something was up. But DH insisted that the "you" meant all 4 of us. So I asked DH to RSVP for all of us and BIL then explained that DH was invited but the kids and I are not. DH was upset so BIL said "fine, you can bring the kids but this is about my son and not about you." When DH insisted that I be included, BIL said DH was making the event about him so he isn't invited either.

DH then asked his parents to get involved (huge mistake) and now his parents are saying that they don't understand why DH can't just go by himself, and that I (who hasn't said anything) was making a big deal about a half-day event (it's in LA so a full weekend but they think I should fly out and just stay at the hotel). DH says he doesn't care about the bar mitzvah (although he is close to his nephew because of all those extra visits) but over the past week has mentioned how close he was with his BIL before meeting me, and how even his parents supported him more before me), and he's been moping around the house.

It's crazy and I didn't think this is where the post was going but it's like I know that our relationship will never be the same again. DH loves me and the kids less now.

That's a really weird response. Are you sure you never created any drama?

[Anonymous]

I've solved it.

DH has another family, or at least another kid. His whole family is in on covering for him.

Sounds farfetched, but I've seen it happen before.

And yes, those men have no problem bringing the half siblings around each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL and DH were very close until BIL met me (10 years ago when we were dating). BIL never said anything specific and we rarely see him together (just family events) so it never mattered that much. BIL and DH still spoke on the phone and DH visits BIL. I visited once but I didn't feel welcome (told to stay home with nanny and their kids while BIL and DH went out and SIL saw own friends). BIL never visited DH after that visit (although visited once a year before then) and doesn't know our kids well (family events once a year or so).

Now BIL's son has a bar mitzvah next month. It was strange when we didn't get an invitation so I asked DH to call BIL who said "don't worry, you're invited". Immediately, I knew something was up. But DH insisted that the "you" meant all 4 of us. So I asked DH to RSVP for all of us and BIL then explained that DH was invited but the kids and I are not. DH was upset so BIL said "fine, you can bring the kids but this is about my son and not about you." When DH insisted that I be included, BIL said DH was making the event about him so he isn't invited either.

DH then asked his parents to get involved (huge mistake) and now his parents are saying that they don't understand why DH can't just go by himself, and that I (who hasn't said anything) was making a big deal about a half-day event (it's in LA so a full weekend but they think I should fly out and just stay at the hotel). DH says he doesn't care about the bar mitzvah (although he is close to his nephew because of all those extra visits) but over the past week has mentioned how close he was with his BIL before meeting me, and how even his parents supported him more before me), and he's been moping around the house.

It's crazy and I didn't think this is where the post was going but it's like I know that our relationship will never be the same again. DH loves me and the kids less now.

That's a really weird response. Are you sure you never created any drama?

Not really. It sounds like he basically told his brother "I'll invite you to this. But only you. This is about my son so don't give me any drama about it."