Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so messed up OP. Why doesn't your husband stick up for you? You and your children should be his number one priority. He should not go to the bar mitzvah without you. Period. Your husband needs to explain to his family that you are a family unit. They cannot exclude you or your children from family events.

This is what i wanted to say but didn't. Short and to the point. All of these opinions we came up with as to why this happened don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so messed up OP. Why doesn't your husband stick up for you? You and your children should be his number one priority. He should not go to the bar mitzvah without you. Period. Your husband needs to explain to his family that you are a family unit. They cannot exclude you or your children from family events.

This is what i wanted to say but didn't. Short and to the point. All of these opinions we came up with as to why this happened don't matter.

But back in one of her updates, the OP said her husband was upset by the exclusion and asked why they weren't invited and initially said he wasn't going to attend. But she pushed him to go because she didn't want him to hold not going against her down the line.

[Anonymous]

Meh, DH is just desperate for approval and acceptance from people who will never love or accept him. He is a trained dog doing whatever they say hoping this trick will be the one and they will love and accept him. Except his brother and family will just point and laugh and say how stupid and cowardly he is for asking "how high?" When they say "Jump!"

This is what OP needs to tell her DH today and everyday in a simple matter of fact way. He will get mad, he will shout, etc but that's because his fear is exposed. But it's that exposure that let's him deal with it and move on.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my family. I was the wrong ethnicity and was therefore excluded, along with our children, from multiple events. My BIL and I are in the same profession, except that he has concocted elaborate lies about his job and position for his family and community. For example, he pretends to have a PhD. Since we belong to the same professional organizations, etc. I actually know that he's lying and he knows that I know. Awkward!

I have also experienced the scenario where your family shows up for a visit and you are informed that DH will be spending the day at the beach with his brother out on the boat, and that SIL got called into work, and the in-laws are going somewhere and it's just going to be you and your toddler in the non-babyproofed house in the neighborhood where you know no one for twelve hours. You are not given a set of house keys and therefore don't leave the house because you're worried you're going to lock yourself out and have no one to call to let you back in. You cannot figure out how to work the TV with all the various remotes and you spend the day reading the kids the two books you brought with you and when they nap you find an old Betty Crocker cookbook in the cabinet which you proceed to read. Did you enjoy your vacation?

Unless you have actually experienced this sort of weirdness, you really can't imagine what it's like. DH and I decided together after one of these strange visits that we wouldn't be repeating the experience. The idea that there is a distance because someone is hiding something is accurate -- but it could be a lot of things. Doesn't have to be another family, etc

[Anonymous]

OP - I guess summing it up
- you sort of overreacted to your first visit at BIL/SIL's house. We all had those horrible situations and like the pp, some are worse than others (pp - yours sounded horrible. ugh.) mine was similar in that it was at a beach house, but I could leave the house - but didn't have a car - so limited to walking only as far as I could go with a toddler (without stroller, since it was in the back of the car they took) and baby.

- you refuse to ever visit again, yet you blame BIL and SIL for not visiting you guys. I would guess that they know about your rant and said, well if they won't visit us, we won't visit them.

- They are being petty and wrong to not invite you and your kids. And they were trying to do it without anyone noticing (I'm guessing) by not sending any invitations, but then just sending an email about the date and location of the event. I do wonder what would have happened if all of you just showed up per the email without even thinking too much into it.

- Your DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place, but he needs to realize it's his Brothers doing - not yours. And if all other things were good, it really wouldn't have been a big deal for him to go solo, would it? I mean, there are events in our family where I can't make it because of work and/or money so DH will go solo to represent the family and no one cares. Maybe for this, it could be treated the same way.

- you need to let DH know that it is hurtful to be excluded from a major event. That's all - that you are hurt, that your kids (once they are old enough) will see what is happening and will be hurt, and he needs to defend you and his kids. How he does that can be discussed/negotiated, but it has to be done.

- Oh and when you talk to your DH about this, maybe you can offer your perspective that you didn't think you did anything, but if he knows why they hate you, you'd be willing to work with them to fix that. Like if you maybe say or do something that offends them, you'll do your best to stop saying/doing those things. But they need to make an effort too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my family. I was the wrong ethnicity and was therefore excluded, along with our children, from multiple events. My BIL and I are in the same profession, except that he has concocted elaborate lies about his job and position for his family and community. For example, he pretends to have a PhD. Since we belong to the same professional organizations, etc. I actually know that he's lying and he knows that I know. Awkward!

I have also experienced the scenario where your family shows up for a visit and you are informed that DH will be spending the day at the beach with his brother out on the boat, and that SIL got called into work, and the in-laws are going somewhere and it's just going to be you and your toddler in the non-babyproofed house in the neighborhood where you know no one for twelve hours. You are not given a set of house keys and therefore don't leave the house because you're worried you're going to lock yourself out and have no one to call to let you back in. You cannot figure out how to work the TV with all the various remotes and you spend the day reading the kids the two books you brought with you and when they nap you find an old Betty Crocker cookbook in the cabinet which you proceed to read. Did you enjoy your vacation?

Unless you have actually experienced this sort of weirdness, you really can't imagine what it's like. DH and I decided together after one of these strange visits that we wouldn't be repeating the experience. The idea that there is a distance because someone is hiding something is accurate -- but it could be a lot of things. Doesn't have to be another family, etc

Your scenario sounds exactly what I imagine happened. Why the heck invite someone into town if you won't be there to host the family unit?

[Anonymous]

Your BIL and SIL are complete assholes. You never exclude one half of a married couple from a family event absent exceptional circumstances, and you certainly don't exclude your kid's aunt. Your husband is a complete weenie. I love my family, but if they excluded my husband and kids I'd tell them to go fuck themselves. Easy. This should not be a hard call for anyone with decent values and a backbone. And FWIW, my family had a SIL that was difficult and disliked by everyone (not saying that is you OP). Even so, we would NEVER exclude her from a family event, because that would make us way worse than her.