Spouse/kids excluded from family event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my! This post has taken off.

DH is going by himself for the weekend. Yes, we both assume it will be big (and BIL is not paying for it -- my MIL/FIL are -- who have no big problems with me and just visited us a couple months ago but they are now mad at me because now they think I'm creating a fight between their sons and they really want DH there who they were afraid was going to miss it and don't understand why I can't just "shut-up" -- their actual words and they won't hear that I did NOT say anything-- they think DH didn't need an invitation or to RSVP or don't understand why I would fly with two full-priced kids for one weekend). DH has also decided he will go to our niece's bat mitzvah next year but that he will not invite his brother to any more of our family events (although that won't last because my MIL/FIL will be very upset for the same reason an will probably only be okay with us excluding BIL's family but our girls are young so I'm hoping this is resolved). So, basically both of us are feeling pretty shitty and don't want to be married at this moment.

I'm not going to pretend like my MIL/FIL and I get along great but we are cordial and they would never play that "DH and I are going to grab beers and a streak and we don't have an extra car (SIL was going out with her friends) but you can walk around the neighborhood or hang out at home" like my BIL did the ONE time I visited. I thought it was the right thing to do to be like "no way am I putting myself in that position EVER again but you had a fabulous time so you should feel free to visit whenever you want.". It seemed mature but hindsight is 20/20.

So those speculations about it being small or not having money for me don't make sense. And we've know about the bar mitzvah for over a year -- MIL/FIL told me and BIL had talked about it a lot with DH -- he clearly wasn't going to send an invitation but he definitely invited DH -- and BIL already told DH the date for the bat mitzvah in an email that ONLY says that (as in "We just reserved the venue for Becca's bat mitzvah bash on Oct. 27 2018").

What does make sense -- 1. Yes, I resent my husband for these trips. They are expensive and annoying and his brother had never -- literally not once -- visited us in DC and we find out about his often trips to his in-laws in NY through Facebook, have asked him to visit, and he has said that he doesn't have time or money. When we then point out that we don't have money to visit him, he tells us that FIL will pay (which he would but it's not the point and FIL would pay for his trips too but since he's already flying to NY, he says he can't do DC). I guess I resent them more now but hindsight is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have put up with this.

2. Yee, I'm not that Jewish. I mean, I was raised Jewish but my mom isn't and it's probably true that they don't consider me a "real" Jew but they are not orthodox so that sounds crazy to me. But again, hindsight is 20/20 so it could have been something but they never said anything to us and we do belong to a synogouge and I swear that my life would have been so much better if they just said something TEN years ago.

3. Yes, my BIl has never said anything "specific" but yes there were the silliest little comments made to me from MIL/FIL like how BIL thought it was gross that I breastfed (FIL told DH who told me) or that I was inappropriate for bringing our newborn baby to my MIL's mother's funeral (MIL was fine but said to DH that BIL was upset). He was irked about our wedding day (said it was inconvenient). Or sometimes BIL says to DH that DH doesn't seem "happy" now that he's married (he IS happy). But NONE of these things were ever said to me and none of these things were ever "big" and all of there things happened WAY after he met me when DH and I were dating and snubbed me. He kind of ignored me when he met me and DH kept trying to steer the conversation to us (it was right before we got engaged so we were quite serious).

4. Yes, we need to go to counseling. I'm not going to bring it up now because we are both in a pretty shitty situation -- he's sleeping on the sofa and we are barely speaking. I've lost a lot of respect for him and he doesn't understand why I'm being "so sensitive" and why I didn't work harder at making things work with his brother 10 years ago and feels like I made my own bed. But post- bar mitzvah weekend when we calm down and get a weekend APART (yes, I am actually HAPPY about it now), I will bring it up.

5. Yes, I am being dramatic and full of self-pity and not taking this well. And it's probably why I am not sharing any of it with my own friends or family because I am embarrassed of my behavior and only with DCUM. I just had a lot dumped on me and am trying to have perspective and "go high".

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are taking this much better than I would. Personally, I recommend you go to individual therapy to figure out what you want and then you can bring in DH. For whatever reason everyone, including your husband, seems to think it is ok to disregard your feelings.

[Anonymous]

What bothers me most about this is a) that your DH does not see his role in the situation and actually thinks he bears zero responsibility and b) his complete lack of empathy for OP.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the therapy thing. Truthfully I doubt DH will agree so I should just go asap myself. But just to set the record straight (even though I am hurt by him right now), DH was surprised (more than me -- I think I figured it out when it was under a month from the date and we had no invitation) when I was excluded, fought for me to be included (or at least asked), and then said he wasn't going (although then moped/tantrumed until I relented) despite a lot of pressure from MIL/FIL (I don't think BIL cared). He has kind of had this dumped on him too, since he knew his nephew before he ever met me and has built a relationship with his nephew for 13 years. He feels like it is his brothers loss that he never wanted to get to know our girls and he feels like he shouldn't have to "punish" his nephew or himself because his brother is being "weird" (his words). (And yes I nearly screamed when he called this "weird" and "quirky".)

I just don't see how marriages survive this. DH is not going to "choose" me -- no way if it's between his brother, SIL, and niece/nephew who he knew before me with the pressure from his MIL/FIL to make sure him and his brother stay close as his "first family" (his mom/dad's words). He would have resented me for the rest of my life if he missed that stupid bar mitzvah even and I would have never heard the end of it. DH is going to want the status quo but no way am I going to choose that -- twice a year trips to a brother who has now outwardly and openly treated our girls like that? Even calls are going to make me cringe. And MIL/FIL are fine -- I feel like they are pawns here too -- but basically this has made them chose sides and they are not going to support our marriage if it causes any heartache with BIL/DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the therapy thing. Truthfully I doubt DH will agree so I should just go asap myself. But just to set the record straight (even though I am hurt by him right now), DH was surprised (more than me -- I think I figured it out when it was under a month from the date and we had no invitation) when I was excluded, fought for me to be included (or at least asked), and then said he wasn't going (although then moped/tantrumed until I relented) despite a lot of pressure from MIL/FIL (I don't think BIL cared). He has kind of had this dumped on him too, since he knew his nephew before he ever met me and has built a relationship with his nephew for 13 years. He feels like it is his brothers loss that he never wanted to get to know our girls and he feels like he shouldn't have to "punish" his nephew or himself because his brother is being "weird" (his words). (And yes I nearly screamed when he called this "weird" and "quirky".)

I just don't see how marriages survive this. DH is not going to "choose" me -- no way if it's between his brother, SIL, and niece/nephew who he knew before me with the pressure from his MIL/FIL to make sure him and his brother stay close as his "first family" (his mom/dad's words). He would have resented me for the rest of my life if he missed that stupid bar mitzvah even and I would have never heard the end of it. DH is going to want the status quo but no way am I going to choose that -- twice a year trips to a brother who has now outwardly and openly treated our girls like that? Even calls are going to make me cringe. And MIL/FIL are fine -- I feel like they are pawns here too -- but basically this has made them chose sides and they are not going to support our marriage if it causes any heartache with BIL/DH.

It's not just you that your husband is not" choosing" - it's your children too. They won't always be too young to understand they're treated differently.

[Anonymous]

You are a drama llama. All this about your DH choosing them, now loving your husband less, he loves your kids less, how can a marriage survive...ugh. You are awful. Also you told your BIL the one time you went that you never wanted to come again...guess he took you at your word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a drama llama. All this about your DH choosing them, now loving your husband less, he loves your kids less, how can a marriage survive...ugh. You are awful. Also you told your BIL the one time you went that you never wanted to come again...guess he took you at your word.

Oh FFS, shut up. This sound pretty awful for OP. It sounds like the BIL is a huge dick and so is his wife. Who the hell excludes a sibling's spouse from a family event like this? The ILs seem pretty messed up too if they say some bullshit about flying out to LA for the Bar Mitzvah would cost too much. I know families who have had to fly out to Israel b/c the Jersey scene wasn't good enough for their kids.

It's just bizarre that the BIL would act so immaturely. I don't care for my husband's brothers' long term girlfriend, but it was a given she was coming to our wedding and our kids' big birthday parties, etc. (if she chose to skip, I would have cared less though). Same with my brother's wife. I wasn't crazy about her either, but I would never have thought to not invite her. Married couples are pretty much invited together to most of these events.

I could understand how it's got to be hard for OP to have everyone ditch her and leave her home with the baby sitter and kids. If you have out of town guests, how is ok to leave one adult at home and go out and meet your in town friends. None of this makes any sense.

OP, I don't have any solution for you (trust me my ILs are kind of like this too), but we generally don't engage too much with them, in general.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious, on the day where they went out for beer and steaks without you, what was their excuse? Were they meeting friends for a preexisting meetup? Had you invited yourself over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious, on the day where they went out for beer and steaks without you, what was their excuse? Were they meeting friends for a preexisting meetup? Had you invited yourself over?

We flew to LA soon after getting married on their request to see their new house and the brothers just wanted guys-only time but we were there for one weekend and they were gone from about 5 PM to 1 AM and then slept in the next day. SIL had already made plans that night with her own friends (she didn't plan it and it was an event -- maybe a birthday party? Bridal shower? I don't remember -- and explained that she felt bad but didn't feel like she could invite me because it was just close friends). They left me with their sitter (who was also their M-F nanny) and their young kids. I mostly watched TV with the nanny and then went to bed. During the day, I was included and we went to a park with their kids. And then we left Sunday night. I felt like a 3rd wheel and just didn't want to be there again -- I intruded on the brothers' time and SIL didn't want to babysit me.

[Anonymous]

Oh also, I only told my DH that I would never visit again. I didn't say anything to BIL but thank you for hosting. BIL doesn't say a word to me so that would be very strange for me to say anything to him.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'm not buying any of this.
Something is up with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious, on the day where they went out for beer and steaks without you, what was their excuse? Were they meeting friends for a preexisting meetup? Had you invited yourself over?

We flew to LA soon after getting married on their request to see their new house and the brothers just wanted guys-only time but we were there for one weekend and they were gone from about 5 PM to 1 AM and then slept in the next day. SIL had already made plans that night with her own friends (she didn't plan it and it was an event -- maybe a birthday party? Bridal shower? I don't remember -- and explained that she felt bad but didn't feel like she could invite me because it was just close friends). They left me with their sitter (who was also their M-F nanny) and their young kids. I mostly watched TV with the nanny and then went to bed. During the day, I was included and we went to a park with their kids. And then we left Sunday night. I felt like a 3rd wheel and just didn't want to be there again -- I intruded on the brothers' time and SIL didn't want to babysit me.

That...doesn't sound so awful. If it was a shower or birthday party with close friends, it probably would have been far more awkward to go then to sit at home. I am just confused as to how that turned into never wanting to go back again? As you explain it, I've had that happen on my family trips to the in laws and I just don't get how it's a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I was on OP's side in my first post, but after rereading and updates, I came to a conclusion that she is prone to drama, and that even shows in her being all hurt about being a "third wheel." That is her perception and I maintain that going on about one and a half days "slight" 10 years ago is not mature at all. But, in light of her new posts, one question that comes to mind, is what is wrong with her BIL? He seems to be holding his whole family emotional hostages. If OP's words are true, "it is about his son, and not OP's drama." Now, I am reading it, "it's all about me, BIL and I love drama."His parents are paying for everything, his brother has turned against his wife and kids for his brother, his parents are trying to keep peace and while they are paying for everything, the have no say in their own son and DIL and grand kids coming to the event they are paying for? Any parents would have told him to shut up and act like a man and stop being immature, but they don't, they told it to their DIL and the other son. As a typical resident DCUM doctor, which I am not...LOL, I am thinking BIL has NPD and has made it all about himself, convinced everybody that he is the victim and SIL and brother are his tormentors. And his own parents and brother have always done all to please him(parents paying for trips for a grown man?) and as usual with NPD there is a that one victim that Narcissist has decided to use as a scapegoat, while all others see none of it and think him a victim. And it might be that SIL wanted attention too, and spoke about it, and well, Narcissist can't have that kind of person around.

[Anonymous]

Thi sis such an overeaction.

You refused to ever visit again because your DH went out for beers with his brother without you ten years ago?

Your DH was upset you weren't included, talked to his brother about including you, is torn and upset and to you this is a sign that he doesn't love you and the children and you wonder how your marriage will survive this?

You sound like you are only happy when things go your way and when everyone puts energy into making you happy and keeping you happy. do you ever do things that you don't particularly love because it makes others happy? Do you really expect your DH to only have the feelings you decide he should have? I don't know what relationship you have with your only family that you can't fathom why DH might feel upset to lose the relationship with his brother and nephew. Did you just walk away form your family without a feeling and never look back?

You sound like a very difficult person. Therapy would be good but I doubt you will keep going unless they feed your ego and blame everything on your DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on OP's side in my first post, but after rereading and updates, I came to a conclusion that she is prone to drama, and that even shows in her being all hurt about being a "third wheel." That is her perception and I maintain that going on about one and a half days "slight" 10 years ago is not mature at all. But, in light of her new posts, one question that comes to mind, is what is wrong with her BIL? He seems to be holding his whole family emotional hostages. If OP's words are true, "it is about his son, and not OP's drama." Now, I am reading it, "it's all about me, BIL and I love drama."His parents are paying for everything, his brother has turned against his wife and kids for his brother, his parents are trying to keep peace and while they are paying for everything, the have no say in their own son and DIL and grand kids coming to the event they are paying for? Any parents would have told him to shut up and act like a man and stop being immature, but they don't, they told it to their DIL and the other son. As a typical resident DCUM doctor, which I am not...LOL, I am thinking BIL has NPD and has made it all about himself, convinced everybody that he is the victim and SIL and brother are his tormentors. And his own parents and brother have always done all to please him(parents paying for trips for a grown man?) and as usual with NPD there is a that one victim that Narcissist has decided to use as a scapegoat, while all others see none of it and think him a victim. And it might be that SIL wanted attention too, and spoke about it, and well, Narcissist can't have that kind of person around.

I agree with your assessment of someone having NPD, but I don't think it's BIL. I actually think it's OP or her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my! This post has taken off.

DH is going by himself for the weekend. Yes, we both assume it will be big (and BIL is not paying for it -- my MIL/FIL are -- who have no big problems with me and just visited us a couple months ago but they are now mad at me because now they think I'm creating a fight between their sons and they really want DH there who they were afraid was going to miss it and don't understand why I can't just "shut-up" -- their actual words and they won't hear that I did NOT say anything-- they think DH didn't need an invitation or to RSVP or don't understand why I would fly with two full-priced kids for one weekend). DH has also decided he will go to our niece's bat mitzvah next year but that he will not invite his brother to any more of our family events (although that won't last because my MIL/FIL will be very upset for the same reason an will probably only be okay with us excluding BIL's family but our girls are young so I'm hoping this is resolved). So, basically both of us are feeling pretty shitty and don't want to be married at this moment.

I'm not going to pretend like my MIL/FIL and I get along great but we are cordial and they would never play that "DH and I are going to grab beers and a streak and we don't have an extra car (SIL was going out with her friends) but you can walk around the neighborhood or hang out at home" like my BIL did the ONE time I visited. I thought it was the right thing to do to be like "no way am I putting myself in that position EVER again but you had a fabulous time so you should feel free to visit whenever you want.". It seemed mature but hindsight is 20/20.

So those speculations about it being small or not having money for me don't make sense. And we've know about the bar mitzvah for over a year -- MIL/FIL told me and BIL had talked about it a lot with DH -- he clearly wasn't going to send an invitation but he definitely invited DH -- and BIL already told DH the date for the bat mitzvah in an email that ONLY says that (as in "We just reserved the venue for Becca's bat mitzvah bash on Oct. 27 2018").

What does make sense -- 1. Yes, I resent my husband for these trips. They are expensive and annoying and his brother had never -- literally not once -- visited us in DC and we find out about his often trips to his in-laws in NY through Facebook, have asked him to visit, and he has said that he doesn't have time or money. When we then point out that we don't have money to visit him, he tells us that FIL will pay (which he would but it's not the point and FIL would pay for his trips too but since he's already flying to NY, he says he can't do DC). I guess I resent them more now but hindsight is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have put up with this.

2. Yee, I'm not that Jewish. I mean, I was raised Jewish but my mom isn't and it's probably true that they don't consider me a "real" Jew but they are not orthodox so that sounds crazy to me. But again, hindsight is 20/20 so it could have been something but they never said anything to us and we do belong to a synogouge and I swear that my life would have been so much better if they just said something TEN years ago.

3. Yes, my BIl has never said anything "specific" but yes there were the silliest little comments made to me from MIL/FIL like how BIL thought it was gross that I breastfed (FIL told DH who told me) or that I was inappropriate for bringing our newborn baby to my MIL's mother's funeral (MIL was fine but said to DH that BIL was upset). He was irked about our wedding day (said it was inconvenient). Or sometimes BIL says to DH that DH doesn't seem "happy" now that he's married (he IS happy). But NONE of these things were ever said to me and none of these things were ever "big" and all of there things happened WAY after he met me when DH and I were dating and snubbed me. He kind of ignored me when he met me and DH kept trying to steer the conversation to us (it was right before we got engaged so we were quite serious).

4. Yes, we need to go to counseling. I'm not going to bring it up now because we are both in a pretty shitty situation -- he's sleeping on the sofa and we are barely speaking. I've lost a lot of respect for him and he doesn't understand why I'm being "so sensitive" and why I didn't work harder at making things work with his brother 10 years ago and feels like I made my own bed. But post- bar mitzvah weekend when we calm down and get a weekend APART (yes, I am actually HAPPY about it now), I will bring it up.

5. Yes, I am being dramatic and full of self-pity and not taking this well. And it's probably why I am not sharing any of it with my own friends or family because I am embarrassed of my behavior and only with DCUM. I just had a lot dumped on me and am trying to have perspective and "go high".

Now understand BIL's it's not all about you comment. You are one of those aren't you OP. Your newborn was screaming her head off and instead of taking her out you insisted on sitting through the service and just whipped your boobs out in front of the rabbi.