How do I make myself just not care?

[Anonymous]

I would see it as an act of love, as one PP said.
Buy more than last year.
In your room, keep some choice morsels, that you cannot run short off otherwise you will have a fit. For me that would be fancy chocolate, and my luxury tea. I would label the nut-free foods for DS and warn everyone not to consume them (unless one of them is allergic as well).

My husband is your SIL. He earns less than two of his brothers, and will gladly mooch off them, thinking that him giving money to his youngest brother who earns less is making up the balance. His brothers are cool with it, but I suspect one of my SILs is definitely NOT. I have insisted we should pay our own way, and he is slowly coming around to this with age.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like everyone else is comfortable with ILs footing the bill. You want to pay for yourself, but SIL does not. You can either pay for her too, or let the ILs do it. It is what it is.

But, if you can't get zen about it you could have your husband contact SIL and try the "hey, let's buy the groceries and split the cost as a thank you to mom and dad" approach. She might be guilted into doing it, or, more likely, she will refuse and then you can make a point of mentioning what you've done (bought all the groceries as a thank you) to your ILs in front of her. This will bother her, because she will look cheap because she is cheap. If she confronts you, just play innocent. That will bother her more.

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

That's what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? Meditation? Mindfulness? Writing out my frustrations on paper and then throwing them in the ocean?

You tell your wussy husband that for every dollar you donate of food/drink to his extended family's vacation, you out an equal amount into your Sanity Fund for your own personal shopping spree later. Feel free to charge for your managerial and planning skills if buying the right foods for everyone and time for doing so.

Honestly, I'd nip this in the bud asap, it could go on for years and we all work too damn hard for our money and our time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just seem filled with bitterness and resentment, OP. Yes, your sister-in-law should have volunteered to contribute some money for groceries. But to fight with your husband about this, and dwell on this for a year, and to draw in so many other examples of how your sister-in-law supposedly is an inferior person...it just suggests this isn't about the groceries at all, but about something else entirely. And it doesn't feel generous or kind.

If you care so much, just don't go grocery shopping. Let your husband handle it. But it would be an act of love to be generous to your in-laws, even if you think they don't deserve it.

My husband is one of those people pleaser types and pisses away money constantly trying to kiss everyone's ass and keep the peace.
In your situation he'd probably be dropping $700 every three days of food and meals out for everyone. And his side of the family never even says thank you when your pay their ticket or meal!
It's maddening to me but ultimately he is very very embarrassed of his family's lack of manners and how self-centered they are. It is in stark contrast to our other friends and family who visit or that we travel with.
I haven't found a solution yet and my husband has turned to lying about who paid for what so now I don't even take him seriously when his parents are around. I just assume we're down another $500.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason it sets him off is that you seem determined to belittle his sister and think of reasons to dislike her. (Doesn't text on your birthday? Come on. I don't expect my sister-in-law to observe my birthday! Or my kids' birthdays.)

This is his family. He feels a sense of loyalty to them. You don't seem to understand that or respect it. Indeed, you seem threatened by it.

You have totally misread the situation, which I appreciate would be easy to do based on a paragraph from me. I don't belittle his sister, and I certainly don't look for reasons to dislike her. I don't have a sister, and I would have loved for us to be close, but that just isn't going to happen. And you seriously don't remember your niece and nephew's birthdays? Perhaps I'm the ridiculous one for making sure we always get them presents and wishing them a happy birthday. To me, that seemed like the kind of thing that family should do. It's not a big family - it's just my husband and SIL and they live 45 minutes from us. And I am in no way threatened by whatever sense of loyalty he has to his family. This is not a situation where I clash with my MIL or FIL or have had fights with anyone in his family. He never talks to his sister - I'm the one who handles all the gifts for the nieces and nephews, and I'm the one who helps to plan family get-togethers. In an abstract way he'll say he wants the cousins to spend time together, but never actually does anything to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we go on family vacay, each family contributes 100.00 per member of their family. All that money goes into the pot, and that is the money that is used for food for the week. If the money runs out, each family contributes a new amount per family member. That means a family of 2 is not having to contribute the same amount as a family of 6 and that everyone is free to each any of the food. Could your husband suggest this? When we do this, we leave my parents, who pay for the rental, out of it, so it is just the families that pay this food money.

This is a brilliant idea. I just don't know how to broach it. If I leave it to my husband, he'll just say he'd rather just buy all the food because money is just money. Yes, it annoys me that he doesn't seem to care how I feel about it, but we've had this argument so many times that I'm done fighting with him about it. For some reason this just really sets him off, and I don't fully understand why - he is nothing like his sister and they aren't at all close. If I bring it up to my MIL, she'll just end up paying for the SIL's family's share, which I guess is fine since that's her choice. And my SIL would label me an obnoxious bitch if I raised it with her. We are nothing alike and are not close. We fake it when we're together but, for example, she doesn't text/email/call on my or my childrens' birthdays.

So the main issue is that it bugs you that SIL gets a free ride in life in general. I would guess that it kind of sucks having to rely on the generosity of others. Be happy that you've got the money to buy the brand of cookies you actually want, and that you aren't a dependent whiner.

Want to not care? Realize that being self-sufficient and making your own way in life makes you a superior person to begin with, and just dismiss her as so much in-law baggage. You're letting her matter way too much.

Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. I will focus on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should buy more food, as your husband suggests, as an act of love for your husband. You should "make yourself just not care" by reminding yourself that you love your husband and to treat his family kindly is a kindness to him.

It's his sister and his parents. So his sister does not work. So she accepts tickets to musicals. So she is kind of thoughtless and ungrateful. It's still his sister. He presumably wants to just go and have a nice time with his family on vacation and not be counting the exact number of loaves of bread his sister's family has consumed.

You have been nursing this grudge for a year?! Don't cause your husband grief by begrudging his family some grocery shopping.

I guess I just expect the same - that I would be treated kindly and with respect. Yes, we make more money, but it doesn't mean we don't work hard for it (we're both out of the house a minimum of 12 hours M-F) and it doesn't mean we don't miss it. Yes, I have had this grudge since last year, and yes, I want it to go away. That's why I asked for help as to how to do that. I appreciate the idea of focusing on doing it for him.

You're upset over this. Not the food. Accept you can't force your inlaws to both work. If you're unhappy with your current work arrangement then change it.

I am upset about my current work schedule, and I am actually close to accepting a new job that will cut down on my commute and some of my hours, so I have been working to change this aspect of my life that had been frustrating me. But even if I was only working 9-5, I'd still be working hard for my money, so it irks me that others feel like they can ask me to spend it without any acknowledgement whatsoever. I don't expect someone to grovel and treat me like their superior, but even a single thank you would suffice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get over it by realizing how lucky you have it if this is your biggest grip about your inlaws. I can't even begin to tell you how awful my inlaws have been to me. It's a really bad situation.

I'm sorry to hear that. My best friend is also in a horrible situation with her in-laws, and I do realize that it could be much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

I hint it is time to stop taking this vacation or to just suck it up. Does this money really matter to you? I'd be pissed if there was no food when I needed it, though.

1. It is not for you to make judgments about what they can and can't afford, especially regarding their decision she should stay home,

2. I've been the pauper child on forced trips like this. It is terribly awkward and no fun. Ive had it ruin trips because I was stressed the whole time.

I'm not saying the relatives are a joy, but you should find a solution to the money element so you can all be together without judgment or stop taking this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel bad about not wanting to pay your SILs food expenses.

It's ridiculous your SIL does this, and f-n rude as hell.

You and your spouse work hard. They have a different lifestyle, fine.

But just because you and your spouse both work and make more money does not mean you should happily pay their way on vacation.

They should budget enough money to pay for at least some of their food, and make low cost meals to serve if each family is responsible for a meal or two.

They are adults. They take advantage of you and your FIL and MIL.

Why people here are siding with them is beyond me.

You have no way of knowing if they're taking advantage of FIL and MIL. Different families have different customs. My parents pay for nearly everything when we go on vacation. They also have plenty of money, and the difference between a $750 food bill and a $0 food bill would not even register with them.

I think they definitely take advantage of my MIL and FIL. They are retired, and are on a fixed income (and were not remotely wealthy to begin with). My MIL and FIL put off buying themselves a new car because SIL needed money to fix hers. That's their choice, and I have no part in that, but to me it does seem like they are being taken advantage of. My MIL will sometimes complain about it, but then she also seems to condone it by constantly giving in, so I just stay out of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just seem filled with bitterness and resentment, OP. Yes, your sister-in-law should have volunteered to contribute some money for groceries. But to fight with your husband about this, and dwell on this for a year, and to draw in so many other examples of how your sister-in-law supposedly is an inferior person...it just suggests this isn't about the groceries at all, but about something else entirely. And it doesn't feel generous or kind.

If you care so much, just don't go grocery shopping. Let your husband handle it. But it would be an act of love to be generous to your in-laws, even if you think they don't deserve it.

I am bitter and resentful about this and I really don't want to be. I've seen how hanging on to anger has ruined my mother's life, and I never want to be like that. I am usually the first person to say I'm sorry if I feel like I have wronged someone, and I am also willing to accept apologies from people and I don't hold grudges (or at least try not to). It's not that I've dwelled on this for a year, it's just that the trip is coming up, so I'm trying to figure out how to handle it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

That's what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? Meditation? Mindfulness? Writing out my frustrations on paper and then throwing them in the ocean?

No. You are resentful because you have set no boundaries and then are taken advantage of. Surely this must happen in other areas of your life?

Actually, I would say this is not the case. I'm generally pretty firm about setting boundaries (for example, I leave work at a certain hour because I have to get home at a certain time because of child care, even though my boss can be a jerk about it). I have not felt taken advantage of in any other scenario in my life (at least not to the extent that it bothered me), so that's why I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

That's what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? Meditation? Mindfulness? Writing out my frustrations on paper and then throwing them in the ocean?

No. You are resentful because you have set no boundaries and then are taken advantage of. Surely this must happen in other areas of your life?

Are you the poster who can tell people's weight and sex life through one anon post?

I have no idea what you are talking about. But from my own patterns, and after watching my mom's reactions and relationships (who I learned from) I know that people who get pissed at others for being thoughtless like OP often do not communicate their boundaries and then slowly over time they get so angry they end up cutting off relationships altogether. The way to keep peace in relationships is not by staying silent and getting walked over (a lot of times these people are afraid of conflict) but by talking and setting boundaries and letting people know, kindly and firmly, when they are crossed.

Oy vey. It's not about you.

Post your own thread about your issues and quit projecting on strangers.

You don't think OP's lengthy post about how her blood boiling over this issue yet not saying one word to anyone about anything ("tell me how not to care") just screams boundary issues? I wrote about my family's pattern to show that it is common, esp for women.

I have said words about this, both to my husband and to my MIL. My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Luckily, this isn't YOUR sister, so you get to take a back seat, guilt-free. This is up to DH and/or his parents.

And if you spend more than you usually would on food? Think of it as doing something really nice for your nieces and nephews.

Life is short. You have the money, thankfully. See it as an investment in the happiness of your husband and his family; an investment in Cousin Time.

Make yourself an extra drink and relax and just enjoy the good things, and focus on the good things. Let the bad things go.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

That's what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? Meditation? Mindfulness? Writing out my frustrations on paper and then throwing them in the ocean?

No. You are resentful because you have set no boundaries and then are taken advantage of. Surely this must happen in other areas of your life?

Are you the poster who can tell people's weight and sex life through one anon post?

I have no idea what you are talking about. But from my own patterns, and after watching my mom's reactions and relationships (who I learned from) I know that people who get pissed at others for being thoughtless like OP often do not communicate their boundaries and then slowly over time they get so angry they end up cutting off relationships altogether. The way to keep peace in relationships is not by staying silent and getting walked over (a lot of times these people are afraid of conflict) but by talking and setting boundaries and letting people know, kindly and firmly, when they are crossed.

Oy vey. It's not about you.

Post your own thread about your issues and quit projecting on strangers.

You don't think OP's lengthy post about how her blood boiling over this issue yet not saying one word to anyone about anything ("tell me how not to care") just screams boundary issues? I wrote about my family's pattern to show that it is common, esp for women.

I have said words about this, both to my husband and to my MIL. My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

So you talked to two people who are not the people bothering you. How is that direct?