How do I make myself just not care?

[Anonymous]

I feel bad that your in laws are jerks and taking advantage of you OP. But I don't feel bad about you being a doormat and not doing anything to better the situation. If it were happening to your daughter, what would you tell her to do? Not care? Or grow a spine and make some decisions so as not to be taken advantage of in the future. Get your own house, or ask SIL directly for the food money, or suck it up and stop whining. Those are your options, not whining to your DH and MIL about how it's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should buy more food, as your husband suggests, as an act of love for your husband. You should "make yourself just not care" by reminding yourself that you love your husband and to treat his family kindly is a kindness to him.

It's his sister and his parents. So his sister does not work. So she accepts tickets to musicals. So she is kind of thoughtless and ungrateful. It's still his sister. He presumably wants to just go and have a nice time with his family on vacation and not be counting the exact number of loaves of bread his sister's family has consumed.

You have been nursing this grudge for a year?! Don't cause your husband grief by begrudging his family some grocery shopping.

That is just the ticket to more resentment--letting yourself be taken advantage of isn't a kindness to anyone.

Perhaps DH could at least do the grocery shopping, in this scenario, but ideally have a simple grown up conversation with his family, and possibly consider staying in a house nearby or doing their own family vacation one year.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

That's what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? Meditation? Mindfulness? Writing out my frustrations on paper and then throwing them in the ocean?

No. You are resentful because you have set no boundaries and then are taken advantage of. Surely this must happen in other areas of your life?

Are you the poster who can tell people's weight and sex life through one anon post?

I have no idea what you are talking about. But from my own patterns, and after watching my mom's reactions and relationships (who I learned from) I know that people who get pissed at others for being thoughtless like OP often do not communicate their boundaries and then slowly over time they get so angry they end up cutting off relationships altogether. The way to keep peace in relationships is not by staying silent and getting walked over (a lot of times these people are afraid of conflict) but by talking and setting boundaries and letting people know, kindly and firmly, when they are crossed.

Oy vey. It's not about you.

Post your own thread about your issues and quit projecting on strangers.

You don't think OP's lengthy post about how her blood boiling over this issue yet not saying one word to anyone about anything ("tell me how not to care") just screams boundary issues? I wrote about my family's pattern to show that it is common, esp for women.

I have said words about this, both to my husband and to my MIL. My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

So you talked to two people who are not the people bothering you. How is that direct?

The pp said I hadn't said one work to anyone about anything, so I was refuting that. I don't talk to my SIL about anything, so I don't know how to talk to her about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

Why are you policing your MIL's relationship with her daughter? You can pay for what you like, then allow MIL and FIL to pay, covering their daughter. If they don't mind paying for their daughter's groceries, why should you? You act like you're trying to protect them, but clearly they don't want to be "helped" in that way. You can learn to not care by staying out of other people's relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to set your boundaries with your husband and your in laws. Trust me, I have heard lots of stories about "poor siblings" being supported by the MIL and FIL including wiping out their retirement savings. And then the poor siblings will be trained to expect everyone else take care of them... that will mean you and your husband after the MIL and FIL are gone.

[Anonymous]

OP our family puts money into a pot for common expenses, but this doesn't seem like it would work for you. I know some families take turns / responsibilities for meals on different days. So why not say, you'll cover e.g., Wednesday and Thursday, and everyone pitch in on Friday for a pizza or dinner out? If you take the last days, youwont be sulking about how everyone eaten all your food contribution. If there's no food on e.g. Monday, suggest that everyone go out to eat, and see if that changes anyone's minds about not bringing enough food.

[Anonymous]

hah, just be glad you're not paying for the rental too (that would be us because DH's parents are retired and on a limited income). Plus every time we go out to eat, my DH grabs the check. Drives me nuts because his siblings are so lazy and don't feel the need to contribute. They make decent money and should be able to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the store isn't too far away, do multiple store runs rather than one big trip so there's not a stockpile that you paid for and others can eat all of.

I second this. Never understand people that schlep food to places that have grocery stores.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get it. In my family, we gather at my brother's lake house. My 2 sisters and I are expected (by my father and my brother) to buy all the food, cook, and clean the kitchen. Drives me nuts!

I spend a fortune on airfare to get there. My brother has 3 teenagers who eat a lot and are slobs. My Dad is just very old school and believes the woman (his daughters) should do this as a thank you to my brother for providing the house.

Tends not to be the funnest vacation because I am so annoyed.

So what to do? What should you do?

In your situation, I'd send an email that you were going to do the initial stocking of the house and that you will let everyone know how much it was. Then when you have the #, simply tell everyone how much they owe preferably via email again. Explain how you divided it up and then state that you and SIL should split the parent's portion.

(I kind of liked the PP's suggestion on how to divide the cost, adults more than kids, etc....)

But the point is that by sending an email to your SIL about what she owes is all you should have to do to feel better about it. She will not pay and that is ok.

I have found that speaking up about I believe to be fair is usually enough for me to feel ok about something. Putting it in writing simply makes the request more concrete.

She will not pay you and that is ok. Her choice. You made your position known and hopefully that should be enough to make you feel less annoyed.

In regards to your DH, hopefully, he will be ok with the fact that you are willing to do all the shopping and ask for their part via email but be ok if they don't pay.

Tell him you need to ask at least to not feel angry or annoyed at SIL.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

Why are you policing your MIL's relationship with her daughter? You can pay for what you like, then allow MIL and FIL to pay, covering their daughter. If they don't mind paying for their daughter's groceries, why should you? You act like you're trying to protect them, but clearly they don't want to be "helped" in that way. You can learn to not care by staying out of other people's relationships.

I wouldn't get involved except that the food that I buy is being consumed by my SIL and her family and then there is nothing left for mine! I wouldn't care if my MIL paid for my SIL's share. That's not my problem. What is my problem is when my SIL doesn't contribute anything and then eats all the food and drinks all the alcohol I purchased.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, email and say you're covering Wednesday and Thursday meals. Snacks and nibbles are on everyone. Don't ask -- tell.

Hey we're making an Italian meal Thursday and a stir fry meal Wednesday. We'll have bagels for breakfast, and some sandwiches for lunch. We're bringing stuff for s'mores one night too.

[Anonymous]

Don't make this so damn hard. Keep your non-perishables in your room. Bulk of the problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let MIL and FIL purchase all the food.

Agree on an amount with your husband (750 same as last year?) and he does the shopping. When the food is gone and you have to feed your children, he goes to the store again. You take the kids to McDonald's and the beach.

Don't go on these annual trips with the ILs. Your SIL is happy to mooch and her parents are happy to pay her way.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

10:51. what a well thought out response. Are you a therapist?