How do I make myself just not care?

[Anonymous]

There's being kind to family and there's being a doormat. Even is BIL and SIL don't have a ton of money, they can contribute SOMETHING. I mean, do they buy food at home? I would be super generous about it if I saw them at least trying to contribute: few boxes of pasta (super cheap) a bag of popcorn to pop for snacking, few bottles of seltzer. ANYTHING.

OP, I would stop buying/bringing except stuff I could keep in my room. Go out for food or just buy what's needed for the meal. If anyone complains, say, "Gosh, yeah, it just got so expensive buying food last year we've decided to keep a tighter budget this time." Move on.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. Even if you don't have a lot of money you can still contribute a little and you can certainly help with cleaning up. My parents stopped going on vacation with their siblings because they got tired of always being the one who was cleaning and cooking and footing the bill.

Do what you can to preserve your sanity op, and if that means eating as a nuclear family or hiding food so be it. I hope you are sister isn't such a selfish twat that she would go into your room and steal food from you

[Anonymous]

Update, if anyone is interested. I took several people's advice about buying the food as an act of love for my husband. My husband and I went to the store together and spent $1,000 on food and drinks (we had brought stuff down for our two dinners and the other dinners were supposed to be covered by the in-laws). My mother-in-law got mad at us for buying so much, and multiple times said she was planning to go to the store the next day and make my sister-in-law go the day after so that everyone would contribute. My mother-in-law even showed me her grocery list as "proof" of her intentions - it said "milk, bread, water bottles, raisin bran." We explained that there was still a lot to get (i.e. the two meals my sister-in-law was supposed to contribute), more bags of chips, cans of soda, etc. My husband pointed out that no one had told us what not to get (and I had even showed our shopping list to my mother-in-law before we went to the store), and that if we were going to have sandwiches for lunch tomorrow, we couldn't exactly wait for someone to buy the bread, mayo, mustard, etc. Sister-in-law and her family still didn't clean up after themselves or do their own dishes, but my mother-in-law acted like their maid the whole time and never said anything to them, so that's her battle to fight, not mine. Anyway, long story short, I appreciate people's thoughts on how to handle the situation.

[Anonymous]

Did SIL and her family contribute any food to the house? It would be very hard for me to relax on vacation knowing that SIL and her family were acting that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did SIL and her family contribute any food to the house? It would be very hard for me to relax on vacation knowing that SIL and her family were acting that way.

They did contribute some. They brought homemade marinara and meatballs and bought pasta to go with it. They used the garlic bread my mother-in-law had bought for her pasta meal and all of the romaine lettuce I had purchased to make tostadas the next day. They also purchased hamburgers, hot dogs, and hot dog buns, and my mother-in-law went to the store to get corn on the cob, chips, condiments, and hamburger buns. They bought nothing for breakfasts or lunches, and no beverages. And they didn't clean up after themselves after eating or cooking, but since I went in expecting this, it made it easier to handle. I just kept one part of the kitchen clean for the stuff I made and left the rest of it. At one point my husband piled up all of their stuff after a meal that had been left out (including clothes that had been strewn on the living room furniture) and they didn't even notice.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound like vacation.

[Anonymous]

Glad you hung in there. I'd be so bothered at the MIL maid situation I don't think I could make the trip and watch that again. It's DH's family so I think he and mum need to talk to her about this- but if they won't do that- hotel next time. Otherwise I know I'd have a hard time watching/letting it go and doing the pre-dishwashing 'c'mon Marge- it's MIL's vacay too- lets do this for her for once!' every. night. With probable limited success.

[Anonymous]

If you MUST continue with this type of yearly trip- next time- unless diarrhea is a possibility I wouldn't buy any drinks. Let her get annoyed and do that herself. Tap water is fine.

Next time I'd buy brkfst items and snack items and keep it in my room and if asked why, express confusion at 'where it all disappeared last time'.

[Anonymous]

Easy. Just say NO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL.

Thank you for articulating this so clearly. It's all true and well-thought out.

Unfortunately I think you are far too wise for the majority of petty posters on DCUM

[Anonymous]

But then what would she have to obsess about?

[Anonymous]

When I did beach house with others, we made a list of what to buy and assigned each thing to a family.

[Anonymous]

Tell me you are getting your own house next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me you are getting your own house next year?

I want to, but if his parents pay for this one again, I'd be hard pressed to do so. It's big and nice and certainly has enough room for everyone. We weren't asked last year when they booked it, we were just told that it had been booked. I suppose we could respond to that by saying they should have asked because we got our own house, but that would crush his mom and I don't want to do that. She's often clueless but very nice.

[Anonymous]

What an awful situation. If you do go next year, along with hiding some non perishables in the bedroom, I would label anything in the fridge that's needed for a specific meal. If there are multiple items that could go in one bag in the fridge, put them in, tie the bag shut and put a big note on it - Save for tacos on Tuesday night! If anyone questions it, tell them it's so the kids know what not to eat.