How do I make myself just not care?

[Anonymous]

We go the beach every summer with our family (me, husband, two toddlers), my SIL's family (her, husband, four kids ranging from 7-16), and my MIL and FIL. We all stay in the same house (not my choice - I'd rather the four of us stay in another one, but I don't book it). Last year, my husband and I spent about $750 on food and alcohol for the week. My SIL and her family brought food for one dinner (we were all supposed to provide two dinners for the group, but they said their second dinner was leftovers...). They did not purchase so much as a single item of food. No milk, no cereal, no bread, no drinks, nothing. Fast forward five days into the trip and all of the food and drinks I purchased had been consumed, and when I went to go make breakfast for my family, I found that there wasn't even one slice of bread left in the house (I had purchased six loaves). My husband and I make more money than my SIL and her husband (she doesn't work), although I honestly don't know where their money goes since they've never paid a dime for child care and my MIL and FIL give them money all the time (i.e. they paid for a trip for the six of them to go see Hamilton in Chicago back in January). The trip is coming up and I want to refuse to buy food for them this year. I was mad that they consumed it all without a thought and without a single thank you for having made the effort to spend the time at the store and footing the bill and that I was left without the food that I had purchased. My husband doesn't defend his sister, but says that we should just buy more food this year so that we don't run out. I don't want to buy anything for them because I don't want to be mad about it again. But, short of labeling all the food or hoarding it in our room, I don't know how I could possibly keep them from eating what I purchased. So I'm trying to just let it go and not care. Any thoughts on how to do that short of self-medicating? (I should add that my MIL and FIL would probably pay for all of the food themselves but I don't think that's fair - we're all adults, and we should split the cost of the trip, so I would feel guilty eating food they had paid for when I could afford to buy my own.)

[Anonymous]

When we go on family vacay, each family contributes 100.00 per member of their family. All that money goes into the pot, and that is the money that is used for food for the week. If the money runs out, each family contributes a new amount per family member. That means a family of 2 is not having to contribute the same amount as a family of 6 and that everyone is free to each any of the food. Could your husband suggest this? When we do this, we leave my parents, who pay for the rental, out of it, so it is just the families that pay this food money.

[Anonymous]

You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Hey SIL, last year the food cost $xxx.xx and we ran out so I'm upping the budget by 20% this year. I'm happy to take care of the grocery shopping. Please send me a check for $xx.xx by XYZ.

If you're not interested in sharing the cost of food this year, just let me know and I'll plan the shopping accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey SIL, last year the food cost $xxx.xx and we ran out so I'm upping the budget by 20% this year. I'm happy to take care of the grocery shopping. Please send me a check for $xx.xx by XYZ.

If you're not interested in sharing the cost of food this year, just let me know and I'll plan the shopping accordingly.

Yes. Someone needs to coordinate this. SIL may respond by saying she doesn't eat anything, so doesn't want to contribute. That gives you carte blanche to label/sequester everything.

This is beyond obnoxious. I'm assuming they shop at home, and realize that milk and cereal aren't free, even if they are telling themselves it's just a bowl here and there.

[Anonymous]

YOUR husband needs to have a talk with HIS sister.

[Anonymous]

Can you put non perishable food in your room? Snacks, water, etc?

I would. And if nobody chipped in, we'd take off on our own to grab a bite.

Be right back, moochers!

[Anonymous]

$750 for a week and 12 people? That's a bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$750 for a week and 12 people? That's a bargain.

Especially for the people who spent $0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$750 for a week and 12 people? That's a bargain.

My FIL and MIL also bought food. And like I said, it didn't last the whole week!

[Anonymous]

You should buy more food, as your husband suggests, as an act of love for your husband. You should "make yourself just not care" by reminding yourself that you love your husband and to treat his family kindly is a kindness to him.

It's his sister and his parents. So his sister does not work. So she accepts tickets to musicals. So she is kind of thoughtless and ungrateful. It's still his sister. He presumably wants to just go and have a nice time with his family on vacation and not be counting the exact number of loaves of bread his sister's family has consumed.

You have been nursing this grudge for a year?! Don't cause your husband grief by begrudging his family some grocery shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we go on family vacay, each family contributes 100.00 per member of their family. All that money goes into the pot, and that is the money that is used for food for the week. If the money runs out, each family contributes a new amount per family member. That means a family of 2 is not having to contribute the same amount as a family of 6 and that everyone is free to each any of the food. Could your husband suggest this? When we do this, we leave my parents, who pay for the rental, out of it, so it is just the families that pay this food money.

This is a brilliant idea. I just don't know how to broach it. If I leave it to my husband, he'll just say he'd rather just buy all the food because money is just money. Yes, it annoys me that he doesn't seem to care how I feel about it, but we've had this argument so many times that I'm done fighting with him about it. For some reason this just really sets him off, and I don't fully understand why - he is nothing like his sister and they aren't at all close. If I bring it up to my MIL, she'll just end up paying for the SIL's family's share, which I guess is fine since that's her choice. And my SIL would label me an obnoxious bitch if I raised it with her. We are nothing alike and are not close. We fake it when we're together but, for example, she doesn't text/email/call on my or my childrens' birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can control yourself, not other people.

So focus on what YOU can do in this situation.

That's what I want to do. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? Meditation? Mindfulness? Writing out my frustrations on paper and then throwing them in the ocean?

[Anonymous]

Can you alert MIL/FIL as to what happened last year? Or have your husband do so? Then have one of them send an email to both your families outlining the weekly food/booze budget and asking for checks from each of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you put non perishable food in your room? Snacks, water, etc?

I would. And if nobody chipped in, we'd take off on our own to grab a bite.

Be right back, moochers!

I'm DEFINITELY keeping the booze in our room this year since last year I ended up with one half of one of the 12 bottles of wine I brought. I'm fine sharing, but I feel like maybe there's a line?