Girlfriend is demanding that we get married and have a baby ASAP

[Anonymous]

OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, op. It sounds like her changed position was a surprise for you. One of my bff's is widowed, and I know she wouldn't have been ready for marriage and another child when she was just a couple of years past the loss of her dh. It sounds like your girlfriend dropped this on you unexpectedly, without acknowledging it was a change from what she was thinking a year ago.

It's okay for you to need time to process this, and it's okay for you to not be on the same page as her. And it's also okay to let her go if you're not at a point to give her what she says she's looking for right now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

+1 My bff lost her DH about as long as OP and I know she and her kids (who are older than OP's) are nowhere near the point of remarriage.

Losing a spouse is different than a divorce.

OP needs to do what is best for him and his DD but it wasn't wrong for the GF to tell OP that she wants what she wants.

Does your bff have a boyfriend?

it looks like OP has a good relationship going and would prefer not to lose his GF. OP needs to grieve but also to move on. life happpena and timing is not always ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

No one said anything about "on the first date." They've been together a year. In that year, a lot can have changed for both of them, but it would've been better to communicate about it rather than just dropping it on the OP at dinner and telling him he better figure it out soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

Ok then, that sounds like a bait and switch. Or maybe, to be charitable, she changed her mind. How do you feel about having another kid? With her?

If you don't want another kid, you need to gently tell her that. Then have a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

OP,

since the only clock ticking here is your gf fertility I would suggest a compromise: you create and freeze embryos now and then decide later whether to use them. they can't be used without your consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

No one said anything about "on the first date." They've been together a year. In that year, a lot can have changed for both of them, but it would've been better to communicate about it rather than just dropping it on the OP at dinner and telling him he better figure it out soon.

when the baby became important enough to the gf she communicated it. why would she have communicated during the stage when she wasn't sure about it?

[Anonymous]

Is she Farrah from 16 & Pregnant on MTV?

RUN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

It's possible she didn't because she knew you wouldn't continue seeing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

If the GF is such a savvy operator surely she would figure out she needed to say "I changed my mind".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

I'm 45 and divorced with 2 kids. 2 of the guys I've dated did not have kids. One was 38 and the other 42. With both people, by the 3rd date, I made it clear that I was not interested in having any more children. One guy said he really wanted to have his own. We parted ways. The other guy said that was okay with him and he wanted to continue on and see where it went. We broke up for other reasons a few months later. By the time you're in your late 30s, you know what you want. Why not say it early on--what's the point in waiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

I'm 45 and divorced with 2 kids. 2 of the guys I've dated did not have kids. One was 38 and the other 42. With both people, by the 3rd date, I made it clear that I was not interested in having any more children. One guy said he really wanted to have his own. We parted ways. The other guy said that was okay with him and he wanted to continue on and see where it went. We broke up for other reasons a few months later. By the time you're in your late 30s, you know what you want. Why not say it early on--what's the point in waiting?

that's a very very different situation. it's ok for a woman to say she doesn't want children even on the first date. but not to say she wants them. that's just makes her look desperate and needy.

[Anonymous]

with dating, as in advertising, whatever they tout as their attributes are the things they are lacking...

"best customer service" = don't care about the customer...

"I'm easy going and don't play games" = controlling micromanager that with mess with your mind


Read some online adds with this in mind. It is very enlightening...