Girlfriend is demanding that we get married and have a baby ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

why? pretty much all women want marriage and most want children of they are not too old or already have them. unless she vehemently denied wanting to have children she said all she needed to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

If the GF is such a savvy operator surely she would figure out she needed to say "I changed my mind".

Actually, not necessarily. This way, she's implying that he has to make a decision, that he's been with her this long, it's time for him to decide. If she admitted to changing her mind, then that means she's the one whose changed, and he doesn't owe her anything. But this way, she's framing it as he's taken a year of her time, she wants a baby, he needs to decide.

I've seen this kind of thing happen before (but in slightly different scenarios). There's one instance in particular in which a friend started dating a woman clearly in a casual way. He was clear he didn't want more. She was clear she was okay with that and even said she didn't want anything serious either. They kept the FWB thing going, and then it was like she changed the narrative. Six months later, she acted like he's been wasting her time and won't make a decision about a commitment. It was bizarro, but it worked. He felt guilty. He felt like the bad guy. He had feelings for her, but he wasn't really ready to get married. But he married her anyway, and it's been a mess of a relationship. But now he has a kid with her, and he's pretty sure that she'll do everything in her power to make it hard to see their child if he divorces her.

[Anonymous]

*who had, not whose

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

why? pretty much all women want marriage and most want children of they are not too old or already have them. unless she vehemently denied wanting to have children she said all she needed to say.

First of all, that's not true.

Second of all, she TOLD OP in the beginning that she had no interest in remarrying or having more children.

Third, she already has a child, so she doesn't even fit your weird rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

I think it sounds like she changed her mind and got optimistic about the future. She was allowed to have fun, as you were. But a year later, things are different. It is also okay if you don't want that.

Different PP. I disagree. If she changed her mind, she would just say that. But she's framing it as a "now or never" demand. I think she played him. She saw a grieving widower who is good marriage material. He expressed that he just wanted something casual. So she played the long game, going along with the "just fun" attitude until she got him emotionally entangled. Now she's (as another PP says) taking a gamble and banking on the combination of his remaining grief, desire not to be alone, and emotions for her, that he'll go along even though it sounds like he indicated in the beginning he didn't want those things.

Something is not right. It sounds like OP's gut feeling is he doesn't want this and it wouldn't be good for his daughter. He should go with his gut.

If the GF is such a savvy operator surely she would figure out she needed to say "I changed my mind".

Actually, not necessarily. This way, she's implying that he has to make a decision, that he's been with her this long, it's time for him to decide. If she admitted to changing her mind, then that means she's the one whose changed, and he doesn't owe her anything. But this way, she's framing it as he's taken a year of her time, she wants a baby, he needs to decide.

I've seen this kind of thing happen before (but in slightly different scenarios). There's one instance in particular in which a friend started dating a woman clearly in a casual way. He was clear he didn't want more. She was clear she was okay with that and even said she didn't want anything serious either. They kept the FWB thing going, and then it was like she changed the narrative. Six months later, she acted like he's been wasting her time and won't make a decision about a commitment. It was bizarro, but it worked. He felt guilty. He felt like the bad guy. He had feelings for her, but he wasn't really ready to get married. But he married her anyway, and it's been a mess of a relationship. But now he has a kid with her, and he's pretty sure that she'll do everything in her power to make it hard to see their child if he divorces her.

pretty much all women above say 30-35 want more. at the very least they want love, security.

your friend might move chosen well but at the end he married out of love. men have no problem whatsoever leaving women they don't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

why? pretty much all women want marriage and most want children of they are not too old or already have them. unless she vehemently denied wanting to have children she said all she needed to say.

First of all, that's not true.

Second of all, she TOLD OP in the beginning that she had no interest in remarrying or having more children.

Third, she already has a child, so she doesn't even fit your weird rule.

no she didn't say that. she basically implies she had no expectations from the relationship. that might have been true but mature women don't really enter relationships where there is no potential whatsoever for marriage and maybe children. maybe OP married young and didn't learn that lesson. but all women from now on who agree to date him will have marriage and maybe kids at the back of their minds. nobody but a total whacko wastes time with relationships which are not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

why? pretty much all women want marriage and most want children of they are not too old or already have them. unless she vehemently denied wanting to have children she said all she needed to say.

First of all, that's not true.

Second of all, she TOLD OP in the beginning that she had no interest in remarrying or having more children.

Third, she already has a child, so she doesn't even fit your weird rule.

no she didn't say that. she basically implies she had no expectations from the relationship. that might have been true but mature women don't really enter relationships where there is no potential whatsoever for marriage and maybe children. maybe OP married young and didn't learn that lesson. but all women from now on who agree to date him will have marriage and maybe kids at the back of their minds. nobody but a total whacko wastes time with relationships which are not going anywhere.

Not all women want marriage. Not all women want kids. And certainly, plenty of women who were married (and it didn't work) and had kids aren't looking to marry again and/or have more kids.

Plenty of "mature women" don't want marriage and certainly don't want kids.

But one thing that mature women do is they don't play games.

As for your last comment, not all people are looking for relationships to go somewhere. Some people like relationships in and off themselves! You know, they like companionship. They like -- gasp -- sex. They like affection. They may not want more than those things.

Who are you to say they're whacko? Look at the divorce rate. Look at all of the unhappy marriages. Look at the financial setbacks people deal with when they divorce in their 40s and 50s. Yes, there are some people over 35 who aren't looking to go down that road. They want a relationship, but they don't want financial and legal entanglement, especially if they've been through that before.

OP wasn't wrong to believe what the woman told him -- that she didn't want to remarry.

[Anonymous]

*of, not off

[Anonymous]

OP, one more thing (and then I'll stop posting, b/c I feel like I've posted too much).

Your GF's ex-husband, has he recently remarried, gotten engaged, had a baby?

If so, that might have something to do with your GF's sudden change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

why? pretty much all women want marriage and most want children of they are not too old or already have them. unless she vehemently denied wanting to have children she said all she needed to say.

First of all, that's not true.

Second of all, she TOLD OP in the beginning that she had no interest in remarrying or having more children.

Third, she already has a child, so she doesn't even fit your weird rule.

no she didn't say that. she basically implies she had no expectations from the relationship. that might have been true but mature women don't really enter relationships where there is no potential whatsoever for marriage and maybe children. maybe OP married young and didn't learn that lesson. but all women from now on who agree to date him will have marriage and maybe kids at the back of their minds. nobody but a total whacko wastes time with relationships which are not going anywhere.

Not all women want marriage. Not all women want kids. And certainly, plenty of women who were married (and it didn't work) and had kids aren't looking to marry again and/or have more kids.

Plenty of "mature women" don't want marriage and certainly don't want kids.

But one thing that mature women do is they don't play games.

As for your last comment, not all people are looking for relationships to go somewhere. Some people like relationships in and off themselves! You know, they like companionship. They like -- gasp -- sex. They like affection. They may not want more than those things.

Who are you to say they're whacko? Look at the divorce rate. Look at all of the unhappy marriages. Look at the financial setbacks people deal with when they divorce in their 40s and 50s. Yes, there are some people over 35 who aren't looking to go down that road. They want a relationship, but they don't want financial and legal entanglement, especially if they've been through that before.

OP wasn't wrong to believe what the woman told him -- that she didn't want to remarry.

hahahaha

mature women know how to "play games" which really amounts to having social skills to not blurt out things that turn other people off. "not playing games" is an aspiration for an 18 year old, not someone who is 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

oh please. no sane woman is going to say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. it sounds desperate and crazy. Iran not something you share with a near stranger.

Of course, I don't think she should say "I want to have a baby" on the first date. But you're talking about two adults nearing 40, both single parents at this point. Somewhere in the early stages she could have at least indicated that marriage and more children were things she still hoped were options -- especially if she was going to sing the "there's no time to waste!" tune. It sounds like if she would have even suggested that remarrying was something she wanted, it sounds like OP wouldn't have kept dating and she could have moved on to someone who is also looking to marry and have kids.

Heck, even 6 months in, she could've said something.

why? [b]pretty much all women want marriage and most want children of they are not too old or already have them. [/b]unless she vehemently denied wanting to have children she said all she needed to say.

First of all, that's not true.

Second of all, she TOLD OP in the beginning that she had no interest in remarrying or having more children.

Third, she already has a child, so she doesn't even fit your weird rule.

This is not true.

[Anonymous]

If this came out of nowhere is it possible she was just hormonal or emotional or handled this "big" conversation a little clumsily?

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and re-do this conversation.

If you think you have a real future and see yourself potentially marrying her tell her that. If you don't want another child, tell her that. If you love her, tell her that. Ask her why she wants another baby and listen to her. Is it about the BABY part? Is it because she feels your thing is invalid unless you have a kid that's 1/2 her and 1/2 you? Remind her that if you get married, you'll both gain a child (and TBH, her in more ways than you, because even though she wouldn't replace your late wife she would be the de-facto mother figure for your daughter).

Does your daughter like this woman? Can you see her being that mother figure? If so, express that you can envision that, and say that if she is willing you can take steps to see about living together. But first, get on the same baby page, even if that page is "let's see." If you are adamant about not having another kid, do get a vasectomy: it's what you need to do to protect your daughter vis-a-vis your emotional health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, op. It sounds like her changed position was a surprise for you. One of my bff's is widowed, and I know she wouldn't have been ready for marriage and another child when she was just a couple of years past the loss of her dh. It sounds like your girlfriend dropped this on you unexpectedly, without acknowledging it was a change from what she was thinking a year ago.

It's okay for you to need time to process this, and it's okay for you to not be on the same page as her. And it's also okay to let her go if you're not at a point to give her what she says she's looking for right now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Agree with this poster.
I'm widowed with two children, ages 12 and 6.. Blending families is a lot of work and not for the faint of heart, even in ideal circumstances (two partners 100% on same page about marriage and having another child, no grief in the equation). Be honest with your girlfriend, and be prepared that your different wants and needs may mean that this is the end of the road.

Looking at this from the angle of how moving forward might impact your 6 yr old: If having another child is a top priority for your gf, this could mean a short rather than long engagement, without much time married before pregnancy and a child. If things go smoothly, your child would be adjusting to a shared home, becoming a younger sibling to your wife's tween, possibly a new home and school, dad's attention shared with pregnant wife and then a new baby, all in a short time frame. That's a lot. If it's a tough road to pregnancy, then you might be adding stress and expense of fertility treatments to that mix. And really, your girlfriend's child will be adjusting to all that as an 11-12 year old, which isn't easy either!

And then there's the grief. Over time, I've (mostly!) worked through my grief at losing my DH. Five years on, the waves of grief are smaller and infrequent, and I know they will pass. But I'm an adult who lost a spouse, not a child who lost her parent. Watching my children experience deep grief as they process the loss of their dad anew as they reach different stages of development, and not being able to fix their pain--this is the one thing that still has the power to bring me to my knees.

If after some heart to hearts you and your girlfriend find common ground and decide to proceed, couples/family counseling might be a good idea to help navigate changes with the best chance of success.

OP, I don't mean this to come off as a lecture, far from it.
I have been In a similar place. I started seeing someone at almost two years out. He was divorced with a college-age son, and we were both looking for companionship, he wasn't looking to parent again and I wasn't looking to blend families. Fantastic at first, but over time he wanted more couple time than I was willing/able to make (e.g. Wanting me to send kids to grandparents more than I felt okay with so we could go away as a couple, and eventually frustration at my kid-event-heavy calendar). Doesn't make him a bad person--he had work flexibility and an adult child and wanted to enjoy that freedom with his significant other--just made us not right for each other. The end of that relationship after two years brought up some grief about my husband that I hadn't dealt with while dating, but no regrets, and the whole experience reaffirmed that love and happiness after loss is possible.

Wishing you all the best as you work through this.

Thank you. It was nice hearing from someone who's been in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your girlfriend ever indicated before that she'd like to have another child?

If not (and this is the first time you are hearing about this), then I think it's unfair of her to put pressure on you, given the relationship started out casual and you had no clue there was a time limit (i.e., that she was hoping to have another baby and, given her age, would need to act soon).

I would ask her if this was her intention all along or if she only recently realized she wanted another baby.

If she knew all along that is what she wanted, then, despite how you feel about her, I would be very cautious about continuing a relationship with her b/c it sounds like from the start she had intentions she wasn't open about.

No matter what age you are, you don't date a person for a year with no mention of wanting to marry or have children some day and then suddenly give them a "it's now or never" talk.

Regardless, if you are not ready, then you are not ready. The best thing you can do for her is be honest about that.

That was the first time she brought it up.

[Anonymous]

She's probably already too old to have a healthy baby