Girlfriend is demanding that we get married and have a baby ASAP

[Anonymous]

Neither of you is wrong for feeling the way you do. She has a right to know what she wants and to ask for it. That's being an adult.

If you don't want the same thing, that's likewise fair. Let her know in as clear as terms as you can about where you are. Is the answer no, you don't ever want more children? Not now? Not know and you don't know in the future? It's time to be honest.

[Anonymous]

OP, when did your wife die? How old was your daughter?

I think it's important to consider that OP - even if he wants more kids in general, even if he wants more kids with this woman - may have a pretty hard time with any situation where it appears that he's replacing his deceased wife.

If I was dating OP, I'd be pretty sensitive to that, but I'd also be sensitive to my own needs, and if I had been in a relationship with someone for a year, I'd probably want to have a conversation about marriage and children sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

maybe you two can make some embryos and store them. if you stay together you will be able to use them later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when did your wife die? How old was your daughter?

I think it's important to consider that OP - even if he wants more kids in general, even if he wants more kids with this woman - may have a pretty hard time with any situation where it appears that he's replacing his deceased wife.

If I was dating OP, I'd be pretty sensitive to that, but I'd also be sensitive to my own needs, and if I had been in a relationship with someone for a year, I'd probably want to have a conversation about marriage and children sooner rather than later.

Two and half years ago, my daughter was four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when did your wife die? How old was your daughter?

I think it's important to consider that OP - even if he wants more kids in general, even if he wants more kids with this woman - may have a pretty hard time with any situation where it appears that he's replacing his deceased wife.

If I was dating OP, I'd be pretty sensitive to that, but I'd also be sensitive to my own needs, and if I had been in a relationship with someone for a year, I'd probably want to have a conversation about marriage and children sooner rather than later.

Two and half years ago, my daughter was four.

In that case, while I understand your girlfriend's desire to move the relationship along as well as her concerns about being unable to have another child, I think she needs to recognize that there's a huge likelihood that you and your daughter are nowhere NEAR ready for those steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when did your wife die? How old was your daughter?

I think it's important to consider that OP - even if he wants more kids in general, even if he wants more kids with this woman - may have a pretty hard time with any situation where it appears that he's replacing his deceased wife.

If I was dating OP, I'd be pretty sensitive to that, but I'd also be sensitive to my own needs, and if I had been in a relationship with someone for a year, I'd probably want to have a conversation about marriage and children sooner rather than later.

Two and half years ago, my daughter was four.

In that case, while I understand your girlfriend's desire to move the relationship along as well as her concerns about being unable to have another child, I think she needs to recognize that there's a huge likelihood that you and your daughter are nowhere NEAR ready for those steps.

She knows we're still grieving.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, op. It sounds like her changed position was a surprise for you. One of my bff's is widowed, and I know she wouldn't have been ready for marriage and another child when she was just a couple of years past the loss of her dh. It sounds like your girlfriend dropped this on you unexpectedly, without acknowledging it was a change from what she was thinking a year ago.

It's okay for you to need time to process this, and it's okay for you to not be on the same page as her. And it's also okay to let her go if you're not at a point to give her what she says she's looking for right now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

What is her financial situation? Any debt? Who makes more? Who has saved more? My guess is that OP is more financially sound than GF.

Be careful OP. My exDW pressured me into marriage and children the same way and I have regretted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, op. It sounds like her changed position was a surprise for you. One of my bff's is widowed, and I know she wouldn't have been ready for marriage and another child when she was just a couple of years past the loss of her dh. It sounds like your girlfriend dropped this on you unexpectedly, without acknowledging it was a change from what she was thinking a year ago.

It's okay for you to need time to process this, and it's okay for you to not be on the same page as her. And it's also okay to let her go if you're not at a point to give her what she says she's looking for right now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

+1 My bff lost her DH about as long as OP and I know she and her kids (who are older than OP's) are nowhere near the point of remarriage.

Losing a spouse is different than a divorce.

OP needs to do what is best for him and his DD but it wasn't wrong for the GF to tell OP that she wants what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her financial situation? Any debt? Who makes more? Who has saved more? My guess is that OP is more financially sound than GF.

Be careful OP. My exDW pressured me into marriage and children the same way and I have regretted it.

I make more, she's not in debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 40 you both are past the child days. Not to mention you both have kids so doesn't make sense. My friend had a child at age 40 and he's special needs. The odds go way up. A year is too soon to get married imo.
Enjoy yourselves, continue to date and see where it goes. I'd tell her that.

DW and I had kids in our 40s. Neither of us are these broken down tired old fscks I keep hearing about who "don't have the energy for kids" in their 40s. And oh by the way our kids are not "special needs" either.

You know best about you, but I wouldn't let your age hold you back.

Entirely possible she'll need IVF to make it happen though.

Both of you have just one kid... so one more sounds reasonable enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a good way to wreck a good thing. At 40 time to pad the retirement, travel and enjoy life.
Changing diapers, sick kids or perhaps special needs could completely change those plans.

Pffft what nonsense. They already have two young kids (10 and 6). One more isn't going to be that much harder. Good spacing, in fact.

If they can afford to travel and enjoy life with two, then they can do it with three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about the kids they already have???? It's sad when adults don't think of them. Many don't want to share their parent with steps or half siblings. When my kids saw what some of their friends parents were doing and how miserable they were I assured them I would never do that. They come first.

That's another concern of mine as well. My daughter gets along with her and her daughter, but me marrying her and we live together might be difficult for her to handle. I don't want to give her the impression I'm trying to replace her mom.

What's best for daughter is priority #1 in this case. It may be different if her mother was around but you two were divorced, but this is a much different situation. Do what's best for her, whatever that may be. It may be worth going to counseling with DD to see how she'd react to having another mother-figure in her life.

Yes you should let the six year old make all the decisions.

Next post: "We decided not to have another child. Instead we got a puppy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she demand YOU marry her or did she just give you the "shit or get off the pot" talk?

+1. At your age you should know what you want. Move forward or let her go.

It would've been different if she told me she wanted this in the beginning. We were first started dating she said she didn't want to remarry or have anymore kids and was interested in having fun.

Haw, so you've never heard that aphorism about women changing their minds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, op. It sounds like her changed position was a surprise for you. One of my bff's is widowed, and I know she wouldn't have been ready for marriage and another child when she was just a couple of years past the loss of her dh. It sounds like your girlfriend dropped this on you unexpectedly, without acknowledging it was a change from what she was thinking a year ago.

It's okay for you to need time to process this, and it's okay for you to not be on the same page as her. And it's also okay to let her go if you're not at a point to give her what she says she's looking for right now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Agree with this poster.
I'm widowed with two children, ages 12 and 6.. Blending families is a lot of work and not for the faint of heart, even in ideal circumstances (two partners 100% on same page about marriage and having another child, no grief in the equation). Be honest with your girlfriend, and be prepared that your different wants and needs may mean that this is the end of the road.

Looking at this from the angle of how moving forward might impact your 6 yr old: If having another child is a top priority for your gf, this could mean a short rather than long engagement, without much time married before pregnancy and a child. If things go smoothly, your child would be adjusting to a shared home, becoming a younger sibling to your wife's tween, possibly a new home and school, dad's attention shared with pregnant wife and then a new baby, all in a short time frame. That's a lot. If it's a tough road to pregnancy, then you might be adding stress and expense of fertility treatments to that mix. And really, your girlfriend's child will be adjusting to all that as an 11-12 year old, which isn't easy either!

And then there's the grief. Over time, I've (mostly!) worked through my grief at losing my DH. Five years on, the waves of grief are smaller and infrequent, and I know they will pass. But I'm an adult who lost a spouse, not a child who lost her parent. Watching my children experience deep grief as they process the loss of their dad anew as they reach different stages of development, and not being able to fix their pain--this is the one thing that still has the power to bring me to my knees.

If after some heart to hearts you and your girlfriend find common ground and decide to proceed, couples/family counseling might be a good idea to help navigate changes with the best chance of success.

OP, I don't mean this to come off as a lecture, far from it.
I have been In a similar place. I started seeing someone at almost two years out. He was divorced with a college-age son, and we were both looking for companionship, he wasn't looking to parent again and I wasn't looking to blend families. Fantastic at first, but over time he wanted more couple time than I was willing/able to make (e.g. Wanting me to send kids to grandparents more than I felt okay with so we could go away as a couple, and eventually frustration at my kid-event-heavy calendar). Doesn't make him a bad person--he had work flexibility and an adult child and wanted to enjoy that freedom with his significant other--just made us not right for each other. The end of that relationship after two years brought up some grief about my husband that I hadn't dealt with while dating, but no regrets, and the whole experience reaffirmed that love and happiness after loss is possible.

Wishing you all the best as you work through this.