Found husband's profile on a "cheating" website, what do I do??

[Anonymous]

My husband used to troll "millionaires" chat rooms. What was even more offensive was I was the high earner which afforded this ... No justice, just sympathy. It sucks. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.

[Anonymous]

I dealt with something similar -- except I saw a bunch of odd numbers on our cell phone bill. I googled them and they were for hookers via backpage.com and the like. It went back years.

I did the following:
- installed a keylogger on the joint computer to monitor his activities remotely.
- installed an app on his phone that would email me all of his text messages.
- I scoured our bank records for cash withdrawls and unusual activity.

This was mostly for my confirmation of what he was doing. I lasted about 5 days before I confronted him.

In your case, I would just sit, wait, and watch. It sounds like he was just doing something stupid. Look for cash withdrawals. Monitor his activity on the computer. Do it for as long as you can. If it turns out that he just did something stupid and doesn't further engage, then I would let him know that you know and go to counseling. If he is further engaging in inappropriate activity, you'll need to decide whether it is worth salvaging the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd give him enough time to hang himself. Confront him now and he'll say he was just curious and never intended to meet anyone or he was looking for friend. I think you'll have a much better chance of getting him to work on the marriage and address the core issues if he can't deny because he knows he's caught.

This. If you can wait out a few weeks, go back to the site then and see what he's been up to. Also check the secret email account. He might sign up for more sites. If you confront him now he'll just say he was curious or that he and a friend signed up for shits and giggles. Patience is your friend.

In the meantime that is tough. Acting like nothing is wrong? Personally I'd have to be extra smiley, extra good to the kids, and tears would be explained away by those "silly hormones!" "I saw a super sweet commercial..." I'd also be really tempted to blow a bunch of (his) money on new clothes for me, sexy makeup, etc. Make him wish he wasn't straying and empty his wallet in the meantime.

I do agree this could work out better--if your eventual goal is to let him keep going and catch him getting deeper in trouble.

But If your goal is more reconciliation I'd stop it before it continues. (but only after you have solid enough evidence to make sure it sticks)

My favorite is the idea of using a fake profile to meet him. Stand him up of course. Then use that time to guilt him so hard when he comes back.

[Anonymous]

Check his iTunes account charges for high amounts like $20-50 or more. My DH used that to pay for AM access and other dating apps in which it just showed up as an iTune charge. I thought it was downloads of movies, games, music. Had no clue.

[Anonymous]

Seems entirely possible that he's just curious about the website, how it works, who's posting on these things, etc. I'm actually kind of curious now, though I'm not going to visit.... I think that monitoring the situation for a while makes the most sense.

[Anonymous]

If you want to save your marriage, confront him now and have a difficult conversation with him. Chances are he was just looking, and that may be all it is right now. The fantasy of being wanted and having sex with younger women who admire you for your money and success is extremely powerful for men.

If you want to divorce, then gather evidence like others have mentioned and blow it all up. That makes for great TV for us here in DCUM land.

If I were you, I would do option 1. Sounds like you have a generally good marriage worth saving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is helpful and why I ultimately decided to wait to say anything. I need to know if this is really just a weird curiosity he had 1 time or if he is really contemplating cheating. From what I can see he has not logged on at all since last week nor has he checked that email account. I checked his browser history again this morning after he was on the computer a long time last night but he didn't go to this website. I'd like to think it was just a 1 time thing but then when looking at his browser history from when he made the account I found he had also googled how to make a profile for online dating which makes me think he was more serious.

I truly can't believe I am dealing with this and feel so stupid for thinking he would never even consider cheating on me. Our marriage isn't perfect (no one's is) but I was happy and thought he was too. He always says how happy he is with our life even though it can be stressful and he wouldn't change it for anything. He loves our children more than anything so if nothing else I thought he would never risk the possibility of not seeing them every day.

So for now I'm going to wait and see because I need to know if he is going to do anything else. I just don't know how long to wait. I could see him not doing anything for months or even a year and then revisiting it then. But I can't/don't want to wait forever to tell him I know either.

How is your sexlife? That is the most accurate measure of a man's happiness in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watch and wait. Check cell phone bill call records. Check computer history regularly and take screen shots. Check expenditures on all credit and debit cards, bank accounts, etc. Pay attention to the odometer on the car. Make copies of all important financial records - mortgage, retirement taxes, etc. I agree with other's suggestions that you catfiah him a bit. But, be careful that you don't leave a trail that he can connect back to you.

You can figure out a lot by googling phone numbers and credit card entries.

Consult an attorney. It is likely that documented evidence of cheating will make no difference in a divorce, legally-speaking (except in VA), but having enough info to make appropriate decisions and stop his gaslighting is priceless.

When you choose to confront him, do not tell him everything you know and do not tell him how you know. How he reacts to confrontation - whether he is honest and remorseful instead pf lying and denying - will tell you all you need to know about your future.

He will lie and deny. The vast majority of people do when caught cheating.

I am PP. I totally agree with you. The person who actually is remorseful and transparent after being confronted is a rare unicorn.

But, unicorn or no, any lesser response indicates an extremely poor prognosis for recovery of the relationship.

People who cheat do so because of flaws within themselves. Any cheater who is unable to recognize this is unable to repair the relationship. Repairing the relationship lies outside the control of the cheated upon spouse.

I highly recommend chumplady.com website. The writing has a black sense of humor about her ex's affairs (how else to deal with such an awful situation?) but the advice she offers is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.

+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to save your marriage, confront him now and have a difficult conversation with him. Chances are he was just looking, and that may be all it is right now. The fantasy of being wanted and having sex with younger women who admire you for your money and success is extremely powerful for men.

If you want to divorce, then gather evidence like others have mentioned and blow it all up. That makes for great TV for us here in DCUM land.

If I were you, I would do option 1. Sounds like you have a generally good marriage worth saving.

I'm really offended by your statement. You are blaming the victim for the demise of the marriage when she makes decisions based on accurate but previously hidden knowledge. The cheater is the person who "blew up the marriage". The woman who keeps her eyes wide open and gathers facts is not the one blowing it all up.

It's people like you who further domestic abuse. And make no mistake, cheating and lying are forms of domestic abuse. You promote the viewpoint that the abuser's behavior is not the problem, just the victim's response.

Disgusting.

BTW, even if the husband has not "cheated" yet in the sense of reaching out to other women or having contact with other women, it is not the responsibility of the woman in the marriage to confront him and deter him from this bad behavior. His behavior is his own. That is why I advocate "watch and wait". If he's going to cheat, he'll cheat. If he's just looking or curious, he will not make the next move. Whichever, it is not the responsibility of the woman to control this. The time and effort we spend trying to control the men in our lives is much better spent on authorship of our own lives.

FWIW, "a generally good marriage worth saving," IMO doesn't describe having a husband who is exploring dating websites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is helpful and why I ultimately decided to wait to say anything. I need to know if this is really just a weird curiosity he had 1 time or if he is really contemplating cheating. From what I can see he has not logged on at all since last week nor has he checked that email account. I checked his browser history again this morning after he was on the computer a long time last night but he didn't go to this website. I'd like to think it was just a 1 time thing but then when looking at his browser history from when he made the account I found he had also googled how to make a profile for online dating which makes me think he was more serious.

I truly can't believe I am dealing with this and feel so stupid for thinking he would never even consider cheating on me. Our marriage isn't perfect (no one's is) but I was happy and thought he was too. He always says how happy he is with our life even though it can be stressful and he wouldn't change it for anything. He loves our children more than anything so if nothing else I thought he would never risk the possibility of not seeing them every day.

So for now I'm going to wait and see because I need to know if he is going to do anything else. I just don't know how long to wait. I could see him not doing anything for months or even a year and then revisiting it then. But I can't/don't want to wait forever to tell him I know either.

How is your sexlife? That is the most accurate measure of a man's happiness in a marriage.

Not at all true. Many victims of cheaters are puzzled by the cheating because the sex life has been good. Good sex life doesn't prevent cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with something similar -- except I saw a bunch of odd numbers on our cell phone bill. I googled them and they were for hookers via backpage.com and the like. It went back years.

I did the following:
- installed a keylogger on the joint computer to monitor his activities remotely.
- installed an app on his phone that would email me all of his text messages.
- I scoured our bank records for cash withdrawls and unusual activity.

This was mostly for my confirmation of what he was doing. I lasted about 5 days before I confronted him.

In your case, I would just sit, wait, and watch. It sounds like he was just doing something stupid. Look for cash withdrawals. Monitor his activity on the computer. Do it for as long as you can. If it turns out that he just did something stupid and doesn't further engage, then I would let him know that you know and go to counseling. If he is further engaging in inappropriate activity, you'll need to decide whether it is worth salvaging the marriage.

I have a similar story. I also confronted fairly quickly after gathering solid evidence.

In retrospect, I wish I had waited. First, what I was able to gather after a week was only a small fraction of what was going on. Second, once I saw the evidence, I knew I would terminate the relationship, but moving so quickly deprived ME of time to figure out what I wanted my post-divorce life to look like and set that up. Had I taken more time to think more carefully, I could have created much more favorable terms for divorce and child custody and for a stable home and job for me and ensuring my financial future.

Oddly, I felt obligated to be truthful with him, even though he had not been truthful with me. I felt it necessary to be my authentic self around him, even thought that was not in my self-interest, and even though he had never extended me that courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.

+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.

How do I find/install etc a key logger? Are some better than others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would message him from your fake profile. See if he answers.

That's what I would do now, after having been cheated on. Get as much knowledge as you can. Arrange a meeting with him from your profile, see what kind of excuse he uses if/when he leaves for the meeting. That kind of thing.

What I might do, is arrange a meeting. Then when he should be meeting with you, send him a text telling him you need him to come home ASAP. That's when you confront him. Where did he go? Then show him printouts of the messages and tell him that profile is yours, setting him up.

And I like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain...