DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have gotten through 3 pages and no one has asked what I would consider to be critical info - how attractive are these women?

If they're anything bordering on reasonably attractive, his befriending them isn't innocent.

OP here. I have actually never met "Jen." The one who came to the bar on Sat night. I have met some of the others, 2 of whom have babysat for us. They are cute enough, for sure. Not supermodel but surely not fugly.

"Cute enough" in early twenties? Yeah, this is a problem. He wants to sleep with them, no doubt about it. Most likely, the feelings are not reciprocated and as a pp suggested, they just think he's weird and feel sorry for him. However, familiarity breeds affection and if he spends enough time with these girls, one make just eventually fall for him.

I'd check his phone but beware finding something that you can't unsee. Besides, if he's smart he'll have deleted anything incriminating anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

OP, you didn't say how old your child is, but I assume that he/she is pretty young - 2, max.

This is an adjustment that sooooooo many of us go through. I think that it is easier - overall - for women to adjust to a lifestyle of being at home and not being out on the town. I think that a lot of us - myself included - don't fully transition, though. We transfer from "fun young lady who goes out with her sweetie to wine bar X on Saturday" to "mom who stays home on Saturday" and don't continue the change to "mom who goes out on date night with her sweet a couple times a month if the babysitter is available."

I think it's pretty common for fans of a particular sport to want to watch that sport with other fans. My husband would probably be THRILLED to go out with your husband to watch boxing, since it's not my thing at all and we don't have those channels. If it was part of his routine to watch this game or that game at a bar, then I can understand wanting to preserve that activity.

Where I would have a problem is if he's doing these things to avoid you or if the activities that he does separately from you are harming your relationship. At this point, you are clearly feeling insecure about this situation, even though it seems that he's been pretty forthright about what he's up to. I don't find the "Jen watched the fight" all that suspicious, because who knows? Maybe DH sent out a text to a bunch of people and only Jen was free? Maybe Jen is a boxing superfan? Either way, how I would feel about my husband and Jen watching the fight is not relevant. It makes you feel crappy, and your husband should be interested in reassuring you on that front.

Maybe you can open the conversation and try to keep focused on social things that you and he can do together. You should definitely tell him that his sudden friendships with these young women makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to justify anything - if he is not an asshole, he will back off these fairly trivial friendships out of deference to your feelings. But it would be helpful to get a better understanding of what he's getting out of these friendships and then try to work on him getting that from more appropriate places.

How is your relationship otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

Not happening. We only have friends that are married for the most part, and they are friends with both of us. No unknown or secret friends.
Meeting up with them socially? Not unless I'm there or their husband is with them.

[Anonymous]

That's crazy, you're home with the kids and he's at the bars. That's not a good marriage, he is checking out of his responsibility to you and your family.

I don't know why you allowed it to begin with, but you need to sit him down, tell him how you feel. If he wanted to do all that he should have stayed single. I wouldn't stay married to someone like that.

[Anonymous]

"Maybe you can open the conversation and try to keep focused on social things that you and he can do together. You should definitely tell him that his sudden friendships with these young women makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to justify anything - if he is not an asshole, he will back off these fairly trivial friendships out of deference to your feelings. But it would be helpful to get a better understanding of what he's getting out of these friendships and then try to work on him getting that from more appropriate places.

How is your relationship otherwise?"

Yes, that's where I think the real important conversation is. What is he getting out of these "friendships" and how can he get that elsewhere (with me).

Our relationship is good otherwise. We make each other laugh. We adore DC. We are good at making decisions together. And yes, we have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's crazy, you're home with the kids and he's at the bars. That's not a good marriage, he is checking out of his responsibility to you and your family.

I don't know why you allowed it to begin with, but you need to sit him down, tell him how you feel. If he wanted to do all that he should have stayed single. I wouldn't stay married to someone like that.

Are you serious? OP just said that she is not interested in going out. Had she said, "I want to go out but I am always left saddled with DC" I may feel differently.

Both DW and I are very social. If we are planning to have a night out with our respective groups of friends, we will usually take turns. If we want to go out together, we call a sitter. No "checking out of responsibility." That's a dangerous attitude to have, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's crazy, you're home with the kids and he's at the bars. That's not a good marriage, he is checking out of his responsibility to you and your family.

I don't know why you allowed it to begin with, but you need to sit him down, tell him how you feel. If he wanted to do all that he should have stayed single. I wouldn't stay married to someone like that.

Are you serious? OP just said that she is not interested in going out. Had she said, "I want to go out but I am always left saddled with DC" I may feel differently.

Both DW and I are very social. If we are planning to have a night out with our respective groups of friends, we will usually take turns. If we want to go out together, we call a sitter. No "checking out of responsibility." That's a dangerous attitude to have, pp.

Ok fine but are you going out to a bar alone with a woman 10-15 years younger than you alone?

[Anonymous]

A group of mutual friends is one thing, single women is another. Not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe you can open the conversation and try to keep focused on social things that you and he can do together. You should definitely tell him that his sudden friendships with these young women makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't have to justify anything - if he is not an asshole, he will back off these fairly trivial friendships out of deference to your feelings. But it would be helpful to get a better understanding of what he's getting out of these friendships and then try to work on him getting that from more appropriate places.

How is your relationship otherwise?"

Yes, that's where I think the real important conversation is. What is he getting out of these "friendships" and how can he get that elsewhere (with me).

Our relationship is good otherwise. We make each other laugh. We adore DC. We are good at making decisions together. And yes, we have sex.

That's great!

I think it's perfectly healthy for spouses to have activities and friends outside the marriage. It sounds like your husband is generally a decent guy, and so my advice would be to approach him about this being your issue - both because it is and because non-accusatory conversation will be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

I'm fine with it as long as he's open about it, and as long as they are really friends, not just "friends." Among other things, that means that I meet them. If he doesn't want to introduce us, or they don't want to meet me, I'm not okay with that. My husband has female friends, but I've met them all, we hang out socially together, etc. Any woman that he was meeting up with without telling me in advance would be a problem.

Yep! All of this. I have male friends and he has female friends. There are no secrets so it isn't a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. It's helpful to see some replies to get a sense of whether I am being overly senstive/paranoid or not. My hunch is that I have already shown plenty of flexibility with DH and his social life, and that it is not unreasonable for me to draw a line where I no longer feel comfortable. And for me, I think that line is around 2-3.

I wish I felt more entitled to say to him, "I'm not comfortable with these friendships or this behavior. If they are really friends, then please invite them over, or invite me to join you with them." Unfortanately, what I fear is what some other posters have offered here, which is that jealousy is unattractive and I will come off looking like a jerk, infringing on DH's social life. And thus push him away further. That makes me scared to start the conversation with him, as I fear I will quickly lose my position of "hey, i'm not feeling so cool with this." and instead find myself on the defensive and accused of being a crappy/paranoid wife.

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

Any tips on how to start the conversation in a way that will make it productive? Keep us talking about the big picture and not make me look like a whiny, demanding wet blanket of a wife?

Hey, these people from the bookstore sound really fun, and I'd love to meet them. Let's invite them over to watch the game next Saturday!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is no professional connection for DH.

DH told me once before that he bumped in to a couple of the staff when they were getting off work and they grabbed a beer together. that was a couple weeks ago.

He has phone numbers for a couple of them as they have offered to babysit DC. but I dont know what else they text about if not to set up babysitting.

On sat night he went out to watch a boxing match on TV (you have to watch at a bar that has the specific channel) and when he got home I asked who else joined him and he said "Jen." I said "who's Jen?" "Jen from the bookstore. I know you find it weird that they are my friends, but they are."

Sorry OP, I would not be cool with this! Something else is going on!!

[Anonymous]

Sticking it out in a crappy marriage for the sake of the kids. Less than 2 years to my freedom date. Can't wait!

Don't give a damn what DH does. Doubt these ladies are interested in a balding guy with a beer belly.

[Anonymous]

He's having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only one I would remotely be OK with is #1 and that in on the condition that he actually has other reasons to be going to this bookstore besides flirting with women.

The fact that these women have/or may babysit...and he's "friends" with them is just plain weird and wrong.

He's gaslighting you OP. he's trying to turn it around and make you look like the crazy one. If he hasn't already started an affair he is well on his way to one.

Anyone that thinks its OK for their husband to start "friendships" with single women in their 20's just out of the blue is out of their mind. I've been burned on the "we're just friends" crap. I know how it works.

And if I were you, I would actually look at his phone - just for some validation. I'm sure the texts are not harmless.

Well you know PP this is all feminism's fault.

Feminism tells women like OP that it's possible for men and women to just socialize like that and not only have it remain platonic and non-sexual, but that because men and women are equals and respect each other, the last thing in the world to assume would be that they are hanging out with each other due to sexual or romantic feelings.

Of course OP herself in the past, or maybe she has friends, who pulled that "he's just a friend crap" on their boyfriends too, right?

So now OP feels "stuck." How can she accuse her husband of having ulterior motives (or the book store babes for that matter) because that would mean they're Republicans or something.

If you are unable to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, that sounds like a YOU problem.