DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

DH here who has female friends. My female friends are either professional peers, long term friends from before DW (including a few exes who DW also knows and likes), or friends from co-ed activities like teams (who DW also knows and likes).

Your DH's behavior is unusually friendly, and I would say texting those girls and hanging out at sports bars with them is more than should be going on.

[Anonymous]

DH has a very close female friend that he's known for ages. They text, talk, go to the movies, etc. on their own. She also comes over and does stuff with our family. I have no issues.

But if he just met some younger women and started hanging with them--and didn't introduce to me--I would find it very odd, particularly with young kids at home (barely enough time to see old friends, much less new). And the last time I knew a man who was meeting up with a women he met in a book-related context (they were both writers/aspiring writers) an affair developed from it.

So, I would be okay with #1. The rest would set off alarm bells, at the very least suggest that he is investing his free time with new female friends rather than with his family or older friends or friends of both spouses.

[Anonymous]

What's the bookstore? It's not "Women and Women First" is it?

Otherwise, #1 is suspect, later numbers is pushing his luck.

[Anonymous]

Immediate PP here. I would be okay with #4, actually, as long as I was there!

[Anonymous]

Jealously is so unattractive...

Trust is so attractive...

Let it go OP and trust him.

[Anonymous]

Let us look at the bigger picture you have a small child may be your focus is moved away from him to the child. Just maybe you guys don't have time for being intimate as often as he would like and he doesn't feel valued . Whereas these young girls probably look up to him and validate him laugh at his jokes which you have Heard many times so they are stale to you. I guess look at it from the perspective if he feels valued and loved rather than from cheating or not cheating because I think you should let it go he might develop feelings for these younger girls . My $0.02. I'm a husband who has been in similar situation when my kids were younger I am 42 now and kids are older.

[Anonymous]

DH has many female friends from various times in his life. Some of them are people that I know and like. Some are people that I don't know. Several are people that I don't like. DH is 41, I'm 35. The female friends range generally in age from a bit younger than me to our moms' ages.

He has never been secretive about these friendships. If he makes plans with them, he doesn't exclude me from those plans or hide them from me. The plans are often things that I'm not particularly interested in, so I often bail.

I'm not threatened by my husband having emotional connections to other women. He cares about them and respects them, the same way that he cares about and respects his male friends. Maybe he thinks they're pretty, maybe not. I haven't asked because I honestly don't think about it that much.

I would be bothered by these relationships if and only if he was hiding them from me, or being sketchy about them, or if there was some indication that the woman was being inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

He met friends at a bookshop. You never know how you'll meet friends. For whatever reason, they've ended up liking each other and now they're hanging out. It seems pretty normal to me if there's a group of them that DH has made friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is no professional connection for DH.

DH told me once before that he bumped in to a couple of the staff when they were getting off work and they grabbed a beer together. that was a couple weeks ago.

He has phone numbers for a couple of them as they have offered to babysit DC. but I dont know what else they text about if not to set up babysitting.

On sat night he went out to watch a boxing match on TV (you have to watch at a bar that has the specific channel) and when he got home I asked who else joined him and he said "Jen." I said "who's Jen?" "Jen from the bookstore. I know you find it weird that they are my friends, but they are."

Ah Hell No!
Wouldn't happen and if did, we would be done. I don't have that shit in my life. He can either respect me and step up to the plate as a husband and a father or go be with Jen.

Sorry op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

I guess I'm an a@@hole. I would be okay with none of this. Zero. Maaaybe number 1 if it wasn't flirting. But the other three? Just no.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. It's helpful to see some replies to get a sense of whether I am being overly senstive/paranoid or not. My hunch is that I have already shown plenty of flexibility with DH and his social life, and that it is not unreasonable for me to draw a line where I no longer feel comfortable. And for me, I think that line is around 2-3.

I wish I felt more entitled to say to him, "I'm not comfortable with these friendships or this behavior. If they are really friends, then please invite them over, or invite me to join you with them." Unfortanately, what I fear is what some other posters have offered here, which is that jealousy is unattractive and I will come off looking like a jerk, infringing on DH's social life. And thus push him away further. That makes me scared to start the conversation with him, as I fear I will quickly lose my position of "hey, i'm not feeling so cool with this." and instead find myself on the defensive and accused of being a crappy/paranoid wife.

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

Any tips on how to start the conversation in a way that will make it productive? Keep us talking about the big picture and not make me look like a whiny, demanding wet blanket of a wife?

[Anonymous]

I'm maybe okay with #1. Just because I can't think of a time when I was young and single and struck up these kinds of "friendships" with men, and I didn't have romantic intentions. I don't mean that I wanted to sleep wth a married guy, but that I really started having romantic feelings. I remember a friend of mine really falling in love with a man that we worked with and socialized with, and it was so painful for her to even see him because she knew he was married. Even though I trust my husband, I think it's better for everyone involved if boundaries are clear. If he wants to socialize with friends from the bookstore, then she can invite her boyfriend, and we can all hang out together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. It's helpful to see some replies to get a sense of whether I am being overly senstive/paranoid or not. My hunch is that I have already shown plenty of flexibility with DH and his social life, and that it is not unreasonable for me to draw a line where I no longer feel comfortable. And for me, I think that line is around 2-3.

I wish I felt more entitled to say to him, "I'm not comfortable with these friendships or this behavior. If they are really friends, then please invite them over, or invite me to join you with them." Unfortanately, what I fear is what some other posters have offered here, which is that jealousy is unattractive and I will come off looking like a jerk, infringing on DH's social life. And thus push him away further. That makes me scared to start the conversation with him, as I fear I will quickly lose my position of "hey, i'm not feeling so cool with this." and instead find myself on the defensive and accused of being a crappy/paranoid wife.

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

Any tips on how to start the conversation in a way that will make it productive? Keep us talking about the big picture and not make me look like a whiny, demanding wet blanket of a wife?

I would tell him that he is just so sexy, and you are afraid these women are really going to fall for him. So, you want to go with him just to put a face with a name and let them know that he does have a beautiful wife who loves him waiting at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

1,2 &4 are all OK as long as I'm included; 3 is only OK if 1, others are present, 2, no drinking/flirting/purely just friends, and 3, I'm welcome at all times and join them frequently.

OTOH, I live in a DC neighborhood in which we all know each other by necessity and even the store clerks are moms whose kids attend 2-3 IB schools, so it's important to form connections to watch houses when we travel and for playdates.

OP, here's where I'd get concerned:
1. are you young/childless? are they?
2. are you not included/excluded?
3. is it more flirtatious and less networking?

OP, if you are uncomfortable with all of this, that is enough for your s/o to back off a little and focus on his primary relationship/you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

then this is the conversation you have. start here. you might not like what you hear, but at least you wont' be dancing around the issue.

Also, I detect some sense in your posts that you are almost more afraid of being seen as "needy" than you are of your husband engaging in an inappropriate relationship. You shouldn't be. It is good to build healthy boundaries around your marriage and to be able to say 'Hey, this is not sitting right with me."