DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

1,2 &4 are all OK as long as I'm included; 3 is only OK if 1, others are present, 2, no drinking/flirting/purely just friends, and 3, I'm welcome at all times and join them frequently.

OTOH, I live in a DC neighborhood in which we all know each other by necessity and even the store clerks are moms whose kids attend 2-3 IB schools, so it's important to form connections to watch houses when we travel and for playdates.

OP, here's where I'd get concerned:
1. are you young/childless? are they?
2. are you not included/excluded?
3. is it more flirtatious and less networking?

OP, if you are uncomfortable with all of this, that is enough for your s/o to back off a little and focus on his primary relationship/you.

OP here. For the record, DH has done 1, 2 and 3 from my original post. Not 4. I would actually feel better about it if he did #4 and invited them to our home. Or maybe as someone else suggested, if he had told me up front that he was going to see "Jen" when he went to go watch the fight. (But I can already hear him saying back to me, "but I didn't know when I went out to watch the fight if Jen was going to come! She just texted me and asked what I was up to! she was wrapping up her Tinder date!" He insists these friendships are so innocent and will be sure to reference that Jen was on another date on Sat night when this happened. But it just doesn't bring me any comfort.

To answer questions above,
1. We are in our mid 30s and have a child. The bookstore staff are early/mid 20s and do not have kids.
2. I know a couple of the women just in passing/greeting at the store, and 2 of them have babysat for us.
3. It definitely isn't networking, since there is no professional connection. I dont know if it is flirting b/c i'm not part of the interactions.

This all just makes me sad. why does he need these "friendships" with 23 year old women? and why must i spend my time wondering what i've done wrong and what I can do better, instead of focusing on DH's behavior and how maybe *he* is doing wrong here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

then this is the conversation you have. start here. you might not like what you hear, but at least you wont' be dancing around the issue.

Also, I detect some sense in your posts that you are almost more afraid of being seen as "needy" than you are of your husband engaging in an inappropriate relationship. You shouldn't be. It is good to build healthy boundaries around your marriage and to be able to say 'Hey, this is not sitting right with me."

Yes. I am most afraid of looking needy and demanding to DH. I feel like the "right" thing to do or the "awesome wife" thing to do is to be totally cool with these friendships and support his ability to maintain a fun social life even as first time parents. but instead i am the bad/demanding/paranoid/wetblanket wife who wants to limit him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

then this is the conversation you have. start here. you might not like what you hear, but at least you wont' be dancing around the issue.

Also, I detect some sense in your posts that you are almost more afraid of being seen as "needy" than you are of your husband engaging in an inappropriate relationship. You shouldn't be. It is good to build healthy boundaries around your marriage and to be able to say 'Hey, this is not sitting right with me."

Yes. I am most afraid of looking needy and demanding to DH. I feel like the "right" thing to do or the "awesome wife" thing to do is to be totally cool with these friendships and support his ability to maintain a fun social life even as first time parents. but instead i am the bad/demanding/paranoid/wetblanket wife who wants to limit him.

You know from an outside perspective this sounds insane, right? He is doing something wrong and somehow has you feeling guilty for it? He is hanging out with twenty year old girls while you are home with his child. How on earth are you feeling like YOU are doing something wrong here?

[Anonymous]

Make some of your own "friends" and see what happens?

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to talk with him. Sounds not OK.

[Anonymous]

"You know from an outside perspective this sounds insane, right? He is doing something wrong and somehow has you feeling guilty for it? He is hanging out with twenty year old girls while you are home with his child. How on earth are you feeling like YOU are doing something wrong here?"

Thank you for the validation. I dont know why i feel this way. It's nice to hear - even from DCUM strangers - that 1. I am not crazy for being uncomfortable with this 2. I should feel both entitled and reasonable for setting up boundaries.

I just know he's going to be mad and then I'll be the one feeling shitty. I am so dreading this.

And then whatever positive "hit" he gets from socializing with these women will only be strengthened, as I become the shrew at home. what an awful cycle.

Is this how it all starts?

[Anonymous]

#1 seems ok, #4 would be fine if I was there. #2 and #3 both seem weird to me. If these girls were old friends of his or coworkers I would have no problem, but the fact that these are new young women that he decided to befriend would definitely irk me. The fact that he is leaving you home with the baby while he socializes with them would probably dial up my irked-ness to fully pissed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

then this is the conversation you have. start here. you might not like what you hear, but at least you wont' be dancing around the issue.

Also, I detect some sense in your posts that you are almost more afraid of being seen as "needy" than you are of your husband engaging in an inappropriate relationship. You shouldn't be. It is good to build healthy boundaries around your marriage and to be able to say 'Hey, this is not sitting right with me."

Yes. I am most afraid of looking needy and demanding to DH. I feel like the "right" thing to do or the "awesome wife" thing to do is to be totally cool with these friendships and support his ability to maintain a fun social life even as first time parents. but instead i am the bad/demanding/paranoid/wetblanket wife who wants to limit him.

You know from an outside perspective this sounds insane, right? He is doing something wrong and somehow has you feeling guilty for it? He is hanging out with twenty year old girls while you are home with his child. How on earth are you feeling like YOU are doing something wrong here?

THIS!!! I'm so sorry OP, when I read your original post I wasn't even sure you were serious. His behavior is absolutely not okay. It is not appropriate for a married man to be striking up "friendships" with much younger women, period. Can't he find young 20-something boys to relive his glory days with?

How awful for you that you feel he'll make you out to be some uptight shrew of a wife! He knows what he is doing is inappropriate and he's acting defensive because of it. Would it be possible for another mutual friend (preferably male) to point this out to him? Either way, this behavior needs to stop before temptation takes over..

[Anonymous]

"How awful for you that you feel he'll make you out to be some uptight shrew of a wife! He knows what he is doing is inappropriate and he's acting defensive because of it. Would it be possible for another mutual friend (preferably male) to point this out to him? Either way, this behavior needs to stop before temptation takes over.."

OP here. That's an interesting idea for a trusted guy friend of DH's to reinforce that even if these friendships are innocent, the behavior is not respectful to me(DW). I mean, does he have other male friends who do this kind of thing? I can't think of any.

I feel like a fool.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I am so curious to see what the text thread looked like on Saturday night, whereby Jen comes out to meet DH at the bar. I was so so tempted to look at his phone yesterday but managed to resist, b/c i want to be able to come to this conversation from a position of non-crazy. But I am tempted to ask him to show me the thread.

Or maybe I shouldn't get bogged down in the HOW. stick with the WHY is this happening? What is he getting out of it, and how can he get it elsewhere (either at home or with more appropriate friends)?

Has anyone had a convo like this with his/her spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

1,2 &4 are all OK as long as I'm included; 3 is only OK if 1, others are present, 2, no drinking/flirting/purely just friends, and 3, I'm welcome at all times and join them frequently.

OTOH, I live in a DC neighborhood in which we all know each other by necessity and even the store clerks are moms whose kids attend 2-3 IB schools, so it's important to form connections to watch houses when we travel and for playdates.

OP, here's where I'd get concerned:
1. are you young/childless? are they?
2. are you not included/excluded?
3. is it more flirtatious and less networking?

OP, if you are uncomfortable with all of this, that is enough for your s/o to back off a little and focus on his primary relationship/you.

OP here. For the record, DH has done 1, 2 and 3 from my original post. Not 4. I would actually feel better about it if he did #4 and invited them to our home. Or maybe as someone else suggested, if he had told me up front that he was going to see "Jen" when he went to go watch the fight. (But I can already hear him saying back to me, "but I didn't know when I went out to watch the fight if Jen was going to come! She just texted me and asked what I was up to! she was wrapping up her Tinder date!" He insists these friendships are so innocent and will be sure to reference that Jen was on another date on Sat night when this happened. But it just doesn't bring me any comfort.

To answer questions above,
1. We are in our mid 30s and have a child. The bookstore staff are early/mid 20s and do not have kids.
2. I know a couple of the women just in passing/greeting at the store, and 2 of them have babysat for us.
3. It definitely isn't networking, since there is no professional connection. I dont know if it is flirting b/c i'm not part of the interactions.

This all just makes me sad. why does he need these "friendships" with 23 year old women? and why must i spend my time wondering what i've done wrong and what I can do better, instead of focusing on DH's behavior and how maybe *he* is doing wrong here?

WTF. A married man with a child going to a bar to watch a 'fight' with a girl in her early 20s that he chatted up with and met at a local bookstore?

That is basically dating. And completely inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

The only one I would remotely be OK with is #1 and that in on the condition that he actually has other reasons to be going to this bookstore besides flirting with women.

The fact that these women have/or may babysit...and he's "friends" with them is just plain weird and wrong.

He's gaslighting you OP. he's trying to turn it around and make you look like the crazy one. If he hasn't already started an affair he is well on his way to one.

Anyone that thinks its OK for their husband to start "friendships" with single women in their 20's just out of the blue is out of their mind. I've been burned on the "we're just friends" crap. I know how it works.

And if I were you, I would actually look at his phone - just for some validation. I'm sure the texts are not harmless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a very close female friend that he's known for ages. They text, talk, go to the movies, etc. on their own. She also comes over and does stuff with our family. I have no issues.

But if he just met some younger women and started hanging with them--and didn't introduce to me--I would find it very odd, particularly with young kids at home (barely enough time to see old friends, much less new). And the last time I knew a man who was meeting up with a women he met in a book-related context (they were both writers/aspiring writers) an affair developed from it.

So, I would be okay with #1. The rest would set off alarm bells, at the very least suggest that he is investing his free time with new female friends rather than with his family or older friends or friends of both spouses.

+1 I think all except #1 would be strange. He's going out of his way to develop friendships with these women. Idk I would be pretty uncomfortable with this unless he was very upfront about it and I was invited (even if I declined to go)- like "I'm meeting so and so tonight. Want to join?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with 10:13 - there is some "hit" or validation that DH is getting from these friendships that he clearly isn't getting at home from me. And that makes me so sad. That's the conversation I really want to have with him.

then this is the conversation you have. start here. you might not like what you hear, but at least you wont' be dancing around the issue.

Also, I detect some sense in your posts that you are almost more afraid of being seen as "needy" than you are of your husband engaging in an inappropriate relationship. You shouldn't be. It is good to build healthy boundaries around your marriage and to be able to say 'Hey, this is not sitting right with me."

Yes. I am most afraid of looking needy and demanding to DH. I feel like the "right" thing to do or the "awesome wife" thing to do is to be totally cool with these friendships and support his ability to maintain a fun social life even as first time parents. but instead i am the bad/demanding/paranoid/wetblanket wife who wants to limit him.

If this is OP- ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED in a relationship from him. Yeah it's great to be the laid back wife, but resentment can fester, affairs can happen. Ask him for what you need. Set those boundaries now. Have a conversation with him where you lay out those boundaries (i'm ok with X, provided that you ____ etc).

[Anonymous]

It's weird OP. I'm a NP.

I agree he's probably getting off on the attention and the whole vibe. I'm in my 30s with 2 kids. (I'm a woman.) Hell, I'd like to go sit around in a bar for a few hours and pretend I'm 25 again now and again. But I don't.

I think as a one-off, I would view this as harmless. But as a regular pattern, it is a bit odd. What does he have in common with a bunch of 20-something single women?

I am also a very non-jealous type. My friends have remarked on this. If my DH wanted to hang with a same-age female friend that he'd known forever and I had been introduced to her at some point and I knew it was happening? No problem at all.