DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

Yeah. So his tears are completely self-indulgent. Is he crying because he is sad he hurt you, or because he misses his Affair Partner? Because that is exactly what she was. He was DATING her, for God's sake. Even if it didn't go physical (though I would bet it did). And for MONTHS? I thought he told you it had been a few weeks?

He is lying to you. Sh!t. I am so pissed off for you, OP. Stay strong. And please - get over to survivinginfidelity.com for support. They are much better at this.

-- BTDT poster whose DH did almost this exact same thing.

This. What's sad is so many waste years with the wrong person. Much easier to get out when you're younger.

I am the BTDT poster. My DH and I are happily married, and it is 10 years later. Was it easy to repair all the damage his friendship caused? No - it took years of therapy for both of us individually and as a couple. Did it help that it didn't cross the sex line (and that she lived across the country)? Yes, but he still checked out of our family because having a young female friend talk to him about her dreams and life goals reminded him of the possibilities open to him when he was that age.

BTW, he admitted to me that it was all on him. There was no attempt to blame me or our marriage, which he said even at the time was very happy. He never intended to do so much damage. It was his own MLC.

Again, OP, get over to SI for real support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

I'm so sorry OP. I would not believe one word about them NOT being physical. First of all, a single woman is pleading for a guy to not end the "friendship", second- he admits physical attraction to her, third- all of the in person meet ups (that I presume you had no idea about), fourth- deleting messages for months, fifth- he's already lied by acts of omission and misleading "truths". I'm sorry but there's no way I'd believe him that they didn't have sex....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

I'm so sorry OP. I would not believe one word about them NOT being physical. First of all, a single woman is pleading for a guy to not end the "friendship", second- he admits physical attraction to her, third- all of the in person meet ups (that I presume you had no idea about), fourth- deleting messages for months, fifth- he's already lied by acts of omission and misleading "truths". I'm sorry but there's no way I'd believe him that they didn't have sex....

Yes it's quite obvious to me.

OP you need to check up on him if he says he is meeting his buddies or working late etc. Apparently he was having an affair with this woman. He will tell you anything at this point. Stop talking about it with him, let him think the heat is off. Find out yourself, either have him followed, gps, or whatever it takes to find out the truth.

[Anonymous]

OP, only you can decide that you deserve better. You really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

1 would be pushing it.
2 -4 - if you're having an affair, have the decency of not doing it in front of your wife.

[Anonymous]

Did you get ALL the text? Or did you just take his word for it about him getting to break it off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I just paid our visa bill this morning. the charge from Sat night at the bar was over $90. and he didnt get to the bar until 10pm. and the only person he said who joined him there was Jen. So he either bought a bunch of drinks for Jen or got really generous with his unknown fellow boxing fans.

It sounds like he bought her dinner.

[Anonymous]

OP, keep in mind that this man has lied to you, deceived you and betrayed your trust all along the way, so at no point should you start believing a proven liar. Truth trickles out, in minimizing bits, and every time more comes out, you get hurt again. I have been there, and he even had the same MO of hanging around young women, making "friends."

When it comes down to it, almost all of his reasons for crying are selfish. His nice set-up is ruined, and he suddenly sees he stands to lose a lot. But then, he's been selfish all along, and he was the one who felt it was fine to date other women and shatter your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, he feels like shit because he had an affair and got caught. I wish you luck and hope you can work through this with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

I don't usually write in, but your situation sounded very familiar to mine and I thought I would give you some perspective.

I am a man who acted nearly identical to what you describe from your husband. For whatever it's worth as a profile, I am tall and conventionally attractive, flirtatious, love to party, very social. Wife is similar, she is a little older than me. When first kid came in our early 30s, wife was done partying. Truth be told, she still liked to go out, but had felt she had long aged out of the bar scene, the one where the attractive 20-something mingle, drink, etc.

There were nights when I would go out without wife. We have always been very cool with each other about independence - still are - so that wouldn't be weird. But as an early 30s professional man, my world still crossed-over into the early/mid-20s crowd. Sometimes, I would tag along with my single co-workers (biglaw) and hit the bars, happy hours. That in and of itself, my wife is cool with.

But there were girls. Single girls. Early 20s. If you are a red-blooded man, its a massive rush to be talking, flirting with a young attractive, flirty girl. I know many on here would say "no young girl wants your balding, fat husband" and maybe that describes your husband but it does't describe me or most of my married male friends. Anyway, this married-man/single girl dynamic has a lot to offer without the sex. Man gets to feel admired and appreciated by younger girl, cute, full of life and energy. He picks up the check, is an ego boost for her in a maze of d-bags and 30 thousand dollar millionaires. It's all seemingly harmless because he is married, of course.

There was one girl, we became close. I would find excuses to see her. She would find excuses to see me. We'd hang out at the bars, always in groups so nothing was obvious.

The most physical thing that happened were a couple b-rated kisses. She ended up moving away for grad school.

My wife was definitely suspicious. I made the mistake of talking about her way too much. I missed her when she left.

Fast forward 15 years. We have two kids, a great marriage and its full steam ahead. I am super happy I didn't completely fuck things up, which is partly luck because I didn't get caught.

My take-away for you: I don't know if this got physical with your husband and Jen. It's entirely possible/probable it didn't. But, he knows he is being inappropriate. He sounds truly sorry, if not for what he did, than for the prospects of losing you and his family. Early childhood years are really hard, some people react differently than others. If you have an otherwise good relationship, and he has been a good partner to this point, try to work through this. Once you have a kid, you never walk away from your partner.

I would have a calm conversation with him. Tell him he has a choice - he can be single or he can be with your family. You will not tolerate being the doormat at home while he is out being inappropriate with single women. If he wants out of the marriage, you will respect that and co-parent amicably. This kind of calm talk is really shocking for men - much more so than tears. It shows you are being rationale and serious. It's the wake up call he needs.

Good luck, I hope you both emerge from this stronger.