DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

We have gotten through 3 pages and no one has asked what I would consider to be critical info - how attractive are these women?

If they're anything bordering on reasonably attractive, his befriending them isn't innocent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am so curious to see what the text thread looked like on Saturday night, whereby Jen comes out to meet DH at the bar. I was so so tempted to look at his phone yesterday but managed to resist, b/c i want to be able to come to this conversation from a position of non-crazy. But I am tempted to ask him to show me the thread.

Or maybe I shouldn't get bogged down in the HOW. stick with the WHY is this happening? What is he getting out of it, and how can he get it elsewhere (either at home or with more appropriate friends)?

Has anyone had a convo like this with his/her spouse?

Reading his phone texts is a slippery slope and an erosion of trust. I've BTDT and where does it end- I turned into a detective in my own freaking home. DH and I are back on track and have a good relationship now but it was a difficult time (no physical cheating). You need to have a conversation with him about boundaries. Even if the texts are harmless now, it doesn't mean that it can't evolve into an affair. That kinda thing happens all the time. OP you are completely valid in feeling uncomfortable and you have a right to talk to your spouse about this behavior. You are not a "wet blanket" or being controlling for asking him to respect the boundaries that you agree on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am so curious to see what the text thread looked like on Saturday night, whereby Jen comes out to meet DH at the bar. I was so so tempted to look at his phone yesterday but managed to resist, b/c i want to be able to come to this conversation from a position of non-crazy. But I am tempted to ask him to show me the thread.

Or maybe I shouldn't get bogged down in the HOW. stick with the WHY is this happening? What is he getting out of it, and how can he get it elsewhere (either at home or with more appropriate friends)?

Has anyone had a convo like this with his/her spouse?

Stick with the "I" statements. I feel uncomfortable. I'd like to know your friends. I am concerned .... right?

[Anonymous]

Nothing like a sultry bookstore hipster to get this DH going... Your situation is weird, OP.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone had a convo like this with his/her spouse?

yes, I did, different circumstances but similar anxieties (was I being not cool, too jealous, etc). I wont lie, it was kind of ugly. he was super defensive, then went on the attack, etc. I was controlling, jealous, etc. But I stood my ground. I said that I was really not comfortable with this, unless he wanted to invite me along, and that he had to weigh the importance of seeing this person versus hurting and disappointing me and that i'd be happy to discuss in counseling if we couldn't come to agreement. that I didnt want to control him, but that I was trying to protect our marriage and that I didn't think I was being unreasonable. Perhaps he wasn't being unreasonable either, but if all things being equal, wouldn't respecting my desires take precedence over coffee with some random woman?

He let it go but it was not easy for a while and left a lot of resentment. It also made us discuss other hard subjects, like how much our relationship had changed since kids, what it is he was looking for, etc.

much later he admitted it was a jackass thing to do, and not respectful and not coming from a healthy place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I am so curious to see what the text thread looked like on Saturday night, whereby Jen comes out to meet DH at the bar. I was so so tempted to look at his phone yesterday but managed to resist, b/c i want to be able to come to this conversation from a position of non-crazy. But I am tempted to ask him to show me the thread.

Or maybe I shouldn't get bogged down in the HOW. stick with the WHY is this happening? What is he getting out of it, and how can he get it elsewhere (either at home or with more appropriate friends)?

Has anyone had a convo like this with his/her spouse?

Yes, I would be curious to hear how Saturday night and other times they met up started. Is your husband extremely attractive, charismatic, or wealthy? If not, for all you know these 20 something women are creeped out by him but are in a difficult place because he is a customer at their store and also an employer of sorts since they have babysat for you. I would guess they aren't too genuinely interested in a 10+ years older married guy with a kid who hangs around the bookstore and keeps texting them, even on Saturday night. They might think it is weird and sad. It's probably good that he talks with all of them and isn't fixated on just one of them.

Maybe you can approach things from the standpoint of being concerned about the feelings of these young women and the impression that he an old guy might be making on them. You can ask, "So how did it happen that Jen came to watch the game? Did you text her?" Say "It might seem to her that you're this creepy older guy who keeps texting her, and she's not comfortable, but she doesn't want to offend you because you're a customer at the store and she babysits for us. You know that attractive young women who work with the public have guys hitting on them all the time. Of course I know that you just want to be friends with Jen, but she might think you're this weird older guy pursuing her since married men with children don't usually suddenly start being friends with women 10 years younger that they meet in bookstores."

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

My husband does all of these things with his female friends. We've been married 23 years. He's always had a lot of female friends. It never struck me as something to get bent out of shape about. He choose me for his wife. If he wants to choose someone else, acting like a crazy, jealous woman is not going to change his mind. It might speed things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

Oh. And ask him what he wants. Does he want YOU to go to the bar with him? Can you both compromise?

[Anonymous]

I have zero comfort level with this.

But I think that is a bit overly jealous of me.

So I think old old female friends are grandfathered in (from youth). But new younger women like you describe? Hell no.

Your feelings are reasonable, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

......who does he go out with on a Saturday nights?

The fact you are not thrilled with these dynamics is totally understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

Get a babysitter, not from the bookstore. You and your husband go out and he doesn't need to latch on to random people he happens to meet. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have gotten through 3 pages and no one has asked what I would consider to be critical info - how attractive are these women?

If they're anything bordering on reasonably attractive, his befriending them isn't innocent.

OP here. I have actually never met "Jen." The one who came to the bar on Sat night. I have met some of the others, 2 of whom have babysat for us. They are cute enough, for sure. Not supermodel but surely not fugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have zero comfort level with this.

But I think that is a bit overly jealous of me.

So I think old old female friends are grandfathered in (from youth). But new younger women like you describe? Hell no.

Your feelings are reasonable, op.

I agree, these bookworms sound like babes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Ask for what I need. Ask for what I need. (Repeating this to myself.) And what I need from him is ok and not unreasonable. Just typing to myself here.

I also have never thought of myself as a jealous person. I hate playing this cliche role. But as 14:06 pointed out, the resentment I feel is real. and only stands to worsen.

Overall, he has done better at maintaining a night life/social life since DC was born since he is more of a night owl than I am. I will always choose sleep over a bar/party. He is willing to sacrifice sleep to be social. The result is that I stay home on saturday nights and he goes out (some times). So I am already resentful that he has this part of his life still in tact, while I don't. It's not really what I want for myself anymore - I don't WANT to be out at the bar - but I wish he didn't want it either. I wish he wanted to stay home with me.

......who does he go out with on a Saturday nights?

The fact you are not thrilled with these dynamics is totally understandable.

He usually goes out with his best guy friend, who happens to be single. In fact, the friend has gone on a date or two with the bookstore girls. That was DH's original explanation for having one of the girls' phone numbers was b/c he was setting the girl up with his friend.

He will tell me again and again how the girls are dating other people or whatever - like how Jen was coming from a Tinder date on sat night. Or Sally went on a date with DH's buddy. He thinks that should make me feel better about it. But the truth is that it doesn't.

I agree with the NP that we should do more dinners or evenings out together so that DH can scratch this itch he has, but do it with my company and not someone else's!

Here's the bummer, too. On sat night we did have a babysitter, one of the bookstore girls, "Sally". And DH and I went to a party together. But then at 10pm I went home to relieve Sally the babysitter, while DH went to the bar to watch the fight. and then Jen met up with him there. Sally and Jen are roommates. So while i was paying Sally for babysitting, Sally's roommate was meeting DH at a bar.

I just find that embarrassing. right? like I'm getting played. Did sally and Jen get home on sat night and say, "hey while you were babysitting DH's kid, I met up with DH!"