DH friendships with women - what's your comfort level

[Anonymous]

I recall several catty girls who'd get a kick out of hanging out in your house and with your kids while having an affair with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?

If DH isn't doing these things, then it'd be all on me to put in the effort to set up threesomes, and these days I'm busy as hell. So frankly I'd count this as choreplay.

[Anonymous]

Initially my assumption was like some other pp's - that he's just enjoying the attention. But his pre-emptive deletion of the text messages is a really bad sign. That would throw me over the edge.

[Anonymous]

I would not be okay with my husband dating other women. What more is there to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recall several catty girls who'd get a kick out of hanging out in your house and with your kids while having an affair with your husband.

Oh wow, this made me remember some years ago one of my clients was bragging about doing that. She kept saying they were just friends and the lady was jealous. She denied the affair. She didn't know I knew the other lady, and the babysitter they were using who mostly dealt with the husband. It all blew up, she's not doing well today....so much for bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op it's interesting what you say about him clinging to the 20s lifestyle vs being a 30 year old married man with kids. I've dealt with the same thing but think my husband finally grew up. I'm glad because his behavior was rather unattractive. He was still getting drunk and passing out on the living room floor at 35. Stuff like that would happen frequently. It coincided with his affair. He seemed just lost. He had no idea what he wanted in life and would frequently throw out ideas about moving to California, grad school, different job - all in the same week. It was plain exhausting.

Men are so exhausting ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt he's fucking or even trying to fuck them if they babysit for you. He is probably enjoying the ego boost, but this is definitely inappropriate and unseemly to observers, even if the girls themselves aren't creeped out. Frank the Tank from Old School is not whom a new dad wants to emulate

+1 I don't think they're interested in him; they offered to babysit to put him off. OP's DH must have been the one to reach out and see how Jen's date went, offer to buy her a drink after her terrible date, and that's why he deleted the texts. Dating is tough and Jen probably enjoys the ego boost herself. She could have been at a low point when she went to the bar Sat. night.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you are taking to heart all the insight here. I'm sorry you are going through this but it really does seem like something shady was going on, and I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Initially my assumption was like some other pp's - that he's just enjoying the attention. But his pre-emptive deletion of the text messages is a really bad sign. That would throw me over the edge.

This. I think he's "trickle-truthing" and hasn't told you how far he and Jen actually have gone. Because $90 worth of drinks and food at a bar isn't insubstantial. He deleted texts that would look shady to you, because they probably said things about how great the BJ was, or how fucking wet she was thinking about him.

Get the texts back. Get the truth from him.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that's super shitty, op. I'm sorry you're going through this. At a minimum, he's led her on in some way or fashion. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so so sorry. You can get through this, and you are doing what you need to do - focus on YOU and what you need.

I hope that there is not more trickle truth to come, but I am suspicious of a younger woman pleading for a "friendship" not to end. Sending you strength for whatever comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

Yeah. So his tears are completely self-indulgent. Is he crying because he is sad he hurt you, or because he misses his Affair Partner? Because that is exactly what she was. He was DATING her, for God's sake. Even if it didn't go physical (though I would bet it did). And for MONTHS? I thought he told you it had been a few weeks?

He is lying to you. Sh!t. I am so pissed off for you, OP. Stay strong. And please - get over to survivinginfidelity.com for support. They are much better at this.

-- BTDT poster whose DH did almost this exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

Op, do you really need a therapist to tell you he's cheating. Yes that's cheating, these are not friends. These are women he wants to have affairs with or is. I think so many wives go into therapy thinking that is going to FIX their husband and change his ways. It also prevents them from seeing and doing what's best in the long run.

My suggestion is to make a ultimatum. As a couple you have married couple friends together. If he wants to have single friends fine, but he has no business doing things with single women outside of work. If he refuses those terms, he's not marriage material and is making excuses to live a single life. You don't need to waste money on a therapist to figure that one out. And that's if you find a good therapist. Many are people with their own problems, and skewed thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, there was some trickle truthing. When I declared my intention to retrieve the messages, he was more candid about what i would find. including the fact that DH tried to end the "friendship" with Jen several weeks ago, but she was so hurt and pleaded so I guess he acquiesced. (So DH was ok with hurting my feelings so spare Jen's?) He says they met up for a walk at least once. They met up for beers on the nights when DH would go out with his buddies. He admitted he was attracted to her but maintains there was no physical relationships. He has been deleting the messages from months.

we have our first appointment with the counselor today. I know DH will be contrite and emotional. he feels like shit. but I want to make sure i get some time to talk and heal, too. DH sobbing just feels indulgent.

My therapist encouraged me to think about the message that I most want to convey in this session... still thinking on that.

Yeah. So his tears are completely self-indulgent. Is he crying because he is sad he hurt you, or because he misses his Affair Partner? Because that is exactly what she was. He was DATING her, for God's sake. Even if it didn't go physical (though I would bet it did). And for MONTHS? I thought he told you it had been a few weeks?

He is lying to you. Sh!t. I am so pissed off for you, OP. Stay strong. And please - get over to survivinginfidelity.com for support. They are much better at this.

-- BTDT poster whose DH did almost this exact same thing.

This. What's sad is so many waste years with the wrong person. Much easier to get out when you're younger.