DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

This is ridiculous. Regular sex is an important part of a healthy marriage - it's an obligation. You make it sound like it's a prize awarded to a husband for good behavior.

LMAO!!!! It's an "obligation" to have sex? What is this, sexual slavery? Um, no, that's not how it works, despite the fact that that may be some male fantasy.

People get to have sex when they feel like it, and only then. Of course, a partner may choose to leave the marriage due to lack of sex but that is 100% on them and it's not up to anyone else to "lie back and think of England" so their spouse can get their rocks off.

Only men have these absurd expectations. It's actually disgusting.

Are you OP's wife?

Of course marital sex is an obligation. You sign up for it when you marry someone. If you don't like them enough to want to have sex with them on a regular basis, then you shouldn't have got married to them.

It's like any other committment. Do you know what a commitment is hon? No I'll bet you don't.

But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

This is ridiculous. Regular sex is an important part of a healthy marriage - it's an obligation. You make it sound like it's a prize awarded to a husband for good behavior.

LMAO!!!! It's an "obligation" to have sex? What is this, sexual slavery? Um, no, that's not how it works, despite the fact that that may be some male fantasy.

People get to have sex when they feel like it, and only then. Of course, a partner may choose to leave the marriage due to lack of sex but that is 100% on them and it's not up to anyone else to "lie back and think of England" so their spouse can get their rocks off.

Only men have these absurd expectations. It's actually disgusting.

Are you OP's wife?

Of course marital sex is an obligation. You sign up for it when you marry someone. If you don't like them enough to want to have sex with them on a regular basis, then you shouldn't have got married to them.

It's like any other committment. Do you know what a commitment is hon? No I'll bet you don't.

But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

I'm a woman who thinks you sound crazy. No one in a committed relationship should make a unilateral decision to change or effectively end their sex life. The other party is owed a discussion, looking for a compromise and more. If the now asexual person isn't willing to give them that then they did make a poor life choice- they chose the wrong type of partner.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH and I are in a similar position. We've got small kids and I'm pregnant and he's on medication for depression. You name it, we've checked every libido-killing box there is. What we do is set expectations. We've talked a bunch about frequency of sex and both of our expectations, and agreed that we need to have sex at least once a week (both to keep our physical connection and because we both want that). He would love it more often, I'm sure, whereas I could do it a bit less frequently.

Regardless, what we do it build it up throughout the day. He'll text me at work and let me know he's thinking about sex for that night. Or I'll do the same. Then when we get home from work, there's more affection, more kissing, longer hugs, a nice pat on the ass, raised eyebrows, whatever. So we both know the date is still on after the kids are in bed.

When he rolls over in bed at 11 pm and tries to initiate, I almost am never in the mood. But building it up throughout the day sets the expectation. And we usually follow through, even if the non-initiator is tired, or whatever, because we already agreed to do it.

Anyway, that's how we handle it. But we only got there through talking it out and coming to that as the agreed-upon way to do things. So you obviously need to have that conversation with your wife. GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

[Anonymous]

NP. I agree with PP. Even in a committed relationship your partner is not your slave. You may choose to leave, if the relationship is not working for you. Your partner may choose to tough it out and think of England. But that is your free will. Not something you are obligated to do. You have choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

This, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

[b]I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex. [b]

Because a regular sexual relationship is wonderful and fulfilling. You have that kind of relationship usually with just one person and it's special and wonderful?
Why would you want to take that away? You sound very far gone!

I'm not far-gone. I am just a menopausal woman without much interest in sex.

I'm fine with occasional maintenance sex, it's not like I've thrown in the towel for good. I am not fine, however, with being told that I have to want it, be more enthusiastic, be more [whatever]. I'll compromise and expect some compromise in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH and I are in a similar position. We've got small kids and I'm pregnant and he's on medication for depression. You name it, we've checked every libido-killing box there is. What we do is set expectations. We've talked a bunch about frequency of sex and both of our expectations, and agreed that we need to have sex at least once a week (both to keep our physical connection and because we both want that). He would love it more often, I'm sure, whereas I could do it a bit less frequently.

Regardless, what we do it build it up throughout the day. He'll text me at work and let me know he's thinking about sex for that night. Or I'll do the same. Then when we get home from work, there's more affection, more kissing, longer hugs, a nice pat on the ass, raised eyebrows, whatever. So we both know the date is still on after the kids are in bed.

When he rolls over in bed at 11 pm and tries to initiate, I almost am never in the mood. But building it up throughout the day sets the expectation. And we usually follow through, even if the non-initiator is tired, or whatever, because we already agreed to do it.

Anyway, that's how we handle it. But we only got there through talking it out and coming to that as the agreed-upon way to do things. So you obviously need to have that conversation with your wife. GL!

Yeah ^^^^ this is great stuff. I love getting in the mood by anticipating all day. When DH just gropes me when I want to sleep ... icky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex.

Great post. For women that do want sex at 55 it's not with a 55 year old, they would want much younger which isn't reality.

I went to a function with a lot of women awhile back, somehow Viagra became the discussion and I will tell you "most" wished they had a anti-Viagra, lol
One said a few stiff drinks for her dh usually did the trick, omg...Another suggested maybe Viagra was invented by women since it gave so many men heart attacks and other health problems.

I believe there are a lot of women who solely have sex to keep the marriage going knowing it is a requirement. It's something a lot of women won't talk about or admit, but I think it's a high number; if not the majority of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Have fun, sounds like you do have a great marriage. Too many people put sex too high up when it is but one aspect of many in a marriage.[b]

I'm afraid I have to disagree with this statement. People put it where it belongs on THEIR OWN LIST. On your list it may be #10. On mine, #6. On my husband's, #2. I could go on ad infinitum.

But it is not up to you to decide how important sex is to somebody else. Everybody has needs and wants, and gets to decide how much energy they put into meeting those needs. Yes, it is one aspect of marriage. But my marital pie chart that depicts all the important things to ME is going to look really different from yours. And my husbands. And everybody elses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

[b]I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex. [b]

Because a regular sexual relationship is wonderful and fulfilling. You have that kind of relationship usually with just one person and it's special and wonderful?
Why would you want to take that away? You sound very far gone!

I'm not far-gone. I am just a menopausal woman without much interest in sex.

I'm fine with occasional maintenance sex, it's not like I've thrown in the towel for good. I am not fine, however, with being told that I have to want it, be more enthusiastic, be more [whatever]. I'll compromise and expect some compromise in return.

Exactly - the compromise always goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

Then your partner will find someone that feels the same way she does, and build a life with them. Yes choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have fun, sounds like you do have a great marriage. Too many people put sex too high up when it is but one aspect of many in a marriage.[b]

I'm afraid I have to disagree with this statement. People put it where it belongs on THEIR OWN LIST. On your list it may be #10. On mine, #6. On my husband's, #2. I could go on ad infinitum.

But it is not up to you to decide how important sex is to somebody else. Everybody has needs and wants, and gets to decide how much energy they put into meeting those needs. Yes, it is one aspect of marriage. But my marital pie chart that depicts all the important things to ME is going to look really different from yours. And my husbands. And everybody elses.

And you need to be concerned with where your husband ranks sex, not just your own ranking of it. You are in that together.

[Anonymous]

How often is the shower sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

This is ridiculous. Regular sex is an important part of a healthy marriage - it's an obligation. You make it sound like it's a prize awarded to a husband for good behavior.

LMAO!!!! It's an "obligation" to have sex? What is this, sexual slavery? Um, no, that's not how it works, despite the fact that that may be some male fantasy.

People get to have sex when they feel like it, and only then. Of course, a partner may choose to leave the marriage due to lack of sex but that is 100% on them and it's not up to anyone else to "lie back and think of England" so their spouse can get their rocks off.

Only men have these absurd expectations. It's actually disgusting.

Are you OP's wife?

Of course marital sex is an obligation. You sign up for it when you marry someone. If you don't like them enough to want to have sex with them on a regular basis, then you shouldn't have got married to them.

It's like any other committment. Do you know what a commitment is hon? No I'll bet you don't.

But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

#1

A poor life choice indeed. These immature guys would leave if their partner got cancer or some other health problem. These are people who shouldn't be married, and date.