DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

This is ridiculous. Regular sex is an important part of a healthy marriage - it's an obligation. You make it sound like it's a prize awarded to a husband for good behavior.

LMAO!!!! It's an "obligation" to have sex? What is this, sexual slavery? Um, no, that's not how it works, despite the fact that that may be some male fantasy.

People get to have sex when they feel like it, and only then. Of course, a partner may choose to leave the marriage due to lack of sex but that is 100% on them and it's not up to anyone else to "lie back and think of England" so their spouse can get their rocks off.

Only men have these absurd expectations. It's actually disgusting.

Are you OP's wife?

Of course marital sex is an obligation. You sign up for it when you marry someone. If you don't like them enough to want to have sex with them on a regular basis, then you shouldn't have got married to them.

It's like any other committment. Do you know what a commitment is hon? No I'll bet you don't.

Marital obligation, ha ha...

No it's but one aspect of many in a marriage. The kids, job security, sound finances, good communication all come first. If one makes it the other's job, it's going to happen less and less. If the other parts of the marriage aren't working, or there are resentments...the bedroom part isn't going to be frequent. Marriage is a healthy balance.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a really "nice" guy. That's precisely your problem. Your wife does not respect you and is not sexually attracted to you. She does not care about meeting your needs in the marriage, and why should she? You continue to meet all of her needs, and as long as you will just accept rare quickies in the shower, there is no reason for her to spend any of her limited time or energy on sex.

The fact is, you and your needs are at the bottom of her list.
So ask yourself: why do you work so hard meeting all of her needs if she is perfectly fine ignoring your needs?
Then ask yourself: what am I prepared to DO about it?
If your not willing and able to "fight" for your own important and legitimate needs, can you see why she doesn't respect you? It's unfortunate she has such a low libido, but this just means you must show sexual leadership by insisting on an active sex life despite that. Are you man enough to be this leader?

[Anonymous]

Some horrible advice around here. The "demand sex and cheat on her to earn her respect" camp is dysfunctional. And so is the "she has absolutely no role or responsibilities in your sex life; masturbation or divorce are your only options" camp is similarly out of touch.

You should both be working to make one another happy in the marriage, sexually and otherwise. If one side is unwilling to do that, divorce might be the ultimate result -- but you should both be talking to one another to make sure you both understand one another's needs.

[Anonymous]

Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she attracted to you?
As a DW, I thought that I was low drive and really just wasn't interested for years. Then, this past year out of nowhere I developed a huge crush on someone and all that I want in life is to sleep with him... All. The. Time. (I am not acting on this impulse, but am burning up with desire.)Turns out that I am just not attracted to DH that way.

Heh. Me, too. It suuuuuucks.

Ahah! Married for $$$!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

"making demands". You shouldn't date or be in a relationship until you figure it out, or get counseling. Your thinking and value system is all messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever had her hormone levels checked? A lot of women have low testosterone and don't even know it. I should know-- I seriously thought I was frigid or had something seriously wrong with me until I demanded blood work. 20 mg of testosterone every week has changed my life and sex life dramatically.

How do you get your testosterone? Gel, cream, pill?
Any doctor recs? I asked my GYN and she said they don't prescribe that 'here',
that I'd have to go to an 'alternative doctor'.

If I had a scrip name though she'd probably go for it.

I still have a healthy sex drive but as menopause is lurking the idea of losing the drive really freaks me out - I love intimacy with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

[b]I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex. [b]

Because a regular sexual relationship is wonderful and fulfilling. You have that kind of relationship usually with just one person and it's special and wonderful?
Why would you want to take that away? You sound very far gone!

[Anonymous]

OP the couples massage that she scheduled is telling.
You need to work things like that into your day - hold her hand, touch her sometimes out of affection, put your arm around her at the kids soccer game.
Give her a back rub or two a week - which doesn't result in sex/no obligation.
Things like this will rev up the attraction she has for you.
Also - extended foreplay might help - do you do that?

How busy are your lives? As she is falling asleep quickly it sounds like she might be really busy and have no energy left?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

[b]I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex. [b]

Because a regular sexual relationship is wonderful and fulfilling. You have that kind of relationship usually with just one person and it's special and wonderful?
Why would you want to take that away? You sound very far gone!

Not PP, but I don't think she is talking about taking anything away. It goes away, and I agree, from the evolutionary standpoint, it's rational. By 55 mother nature is done with women's main function in this world for sure. Same as there is a definite break in the wonderful and fulfilling relationship after childbirth. Yet, women are forced by marital and societal pressures to grin and bear it.

Married men in their 50s, on the other hand, live in their own purgatory. No advice for OP other than find an interested woman on the side. It sucks, but that's your ever after.

[Anonymous]

No one is obligated to have sex, but it sounds like DW is not even trying.

The problem is that the more you push, the more she will reject.

I think a better, slightly Machiavellian, strategy is to focus on making yourself attractive to other women. Don't actually cheat or be obnoxious about it. Just put yourself in positions where other women are paying attention to you and seem to like you.

Women are just like men in that once they've "got" you, they sometimes take you for granted. They have to be reminded sometimes that you have options (assuming you actually have options).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

[b]I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex. [b]

Because a regular sexual relationship is wonderful and fulfilling. You have that kind of relationship usually with just one person and it's special and wonderful?
Why would you want to take that away? You sound very far gone!

Not PP, but I don't think she is talking about taking anything away. It goes away, and I agree, from the evolutionary standpoint, it's rational. By 55 mother nature is done with women's main function in this world for sure. Same as there is a definite break in the wonderful and fulfilling relationship after childbirth. Yet, women are forced by marital and societal pressures to grin and bear it.

Married men in their 50s, on the other hand, live in their own purgatory. No advice for OP other than find an interested woman on the side. It sucks, but that's your ever after.

Don't cheat. If you cheat, you are instantly the bad guy and she is Saint Cheated-On. She will destroy your life in court. Just divorce her if it gets to that point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she attracted to you?
As a DW, I thought that I was low drive and really just wasn't interested for years. Then, this past year out of nowhere I developed a huge crush on someone and all that I want in life is to sleep with him... All. The. Time. (I am not acting on this impulse, but am burning up with desire.)Turns out that I am just not attracted to DH that way.

Heh. Me, too. It suuuuuucks.

Ahah! Married for $$$!

No. For love.