DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

Hi there. Some quick stats about us. Married 23 years with 2 children. We have a great relationship with the exception of our sex life. Our sex has been limited to an occasional really quick session in the morning in the shower. As a matter of fact I can honestly say I can not remember the last time we actually "made love" in our own bed.

What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep...routine that has been the mantra for what seems like our entire marriage.

For as long as I can remember my wife has had a very low sex drive. I think that if I did not intititate it we would never have sex. Even as far back as I can remember...even on our honeymoon vacation....there was always some excuse as to why she was not in the mood.

Early on in our marriage I would actually get very upset and it would cause even more problems...so i kind of backed off. I thought maybe that would help. It did not.

I do love my wife and my kids so looking for sex outside of my marriage or cheating on her or something else drastic is not even an option.

I have tried planning getaway weekends with just myself and my wife....but my wife will always make an excuse why she is uncomfortable having the kids stay with a family friend for a night or 2 Even when the friend insists.

i am really not sure what the problem could be. When we actually do have sex I can tell she is enjoying it. That's what drive me nuts the most.

I am not sure what I can expect as advice but I would love to hear some ideas on what can be done to try and raise her sex drive.

I would love to hear some ideas.
Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

The shower thing makes me wonder if she or you have different expectations/hang ups related to hygeine, germs, etc.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you the shower is for convenience in the morning.
I'm almost 100% sure it is not about cleanliness or germs.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't get the logistics of having sex in the shower.

Other than that...Wellbutrin kicked up my drive considerably.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it hurts her? Have you asked?

[Anonymous]

Have you flat out told her that you love your marriage and her but the lack of sex is really bothering you? What is her response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you flat out told her that you love your marriage and her but the lack of sex is really bothering you? What is her response?

Show her your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it hurts her? Have you asked?

OP here...
It does not hurt her. When we do have sex she does enjoy it. That I know for sure.

[Anonymous]

She enjoys it at the moment, but not that bothered to initiate or want it often.

Not trying to make you out to be the bad guy, but *maybe* she doesn't find you that great? Has she had other sexual partners? I'm assuming she doesn't communicate much with you in terms of what she likes?

Maybe have her read erotica and/or watch porn? IDK. Just throwing out ideas since she doesn't seem to be reacting to romance.

[Anonymous]

menopause?

[Anonymous]

Does she have trouble with anxiety, depression, insomnia, chronic pain, or some major trauma? Hormonal issues? Is she on the pill? Many things can kill desire, and it can be hard to imagine if you've always had a healthy sex drive, but when your sex drive is very low it feels about as good to have sex as it would feel to eat a cheeseburger when you have a stomach flu. It sounds like you two need to find a way to talk about it in the lowest key way you can. Maybe start out with saying you're not angry or disappointed in her but you do want to help find a way through this so you can have that close marital connection again. You sound like a great husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you flat out told her that you love your marriage and her but the lack of sex is really bothering you? What is her response?

I have told her. I hate to say it but the "quickies" that we have now in the shower is a result of those discussions. Prior to that the sex was even less frequent as a matter of fact it was very very infrequently...if non exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you the shower is for convenience in the morning.
I'm almost 100% sure it is not about cleanliness or germs.

I don't understand, how is it convenient?

How regular is this shower sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you flat out told her that you love your marriage and her but the lack of sex is really bothering you? What is her response?

I have told her. I hate to say it but the "quickies" that we have now in the shower is a result of those discussions. Prior to that the sex was even less frequent as a matter of fact it was very very infrequently...if non exist.

What is her understanding of her lack of interest?

[Anonymous]

Is she attracted to you?
As a DW, I thought that I was low drive and really just wasn't interested for years. Then, this past year out of nowhere I developed a huge crush on someone and all that I want in life is to sleep with him... All. The. Time. (I am not acting on this impulse, but am burning up with desire.)Turns out that I am just not attracted to DH that way.