DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

You might try Athol Kay and his Married Man Sex Life approach. His general approach is to have guys improve themselves, reduce the sorts of things that kill attraction, and work on the things that create attraction. (Not really that novel when I make it that general.)

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2015/02/welcome-learn-the-bare-essentials-of-what-athol-is-about/

It's helped my marriage somewhat -- though I can't say I've gone full in with his approach.

A couple of the highlights:

1. Improve your physical appearance -- work out, hygiene, dress better;

2. Be a better leader in your household -- don't be wishy washy, take care of your shit (financial and otherwise), don't be passive;

3. When you initiate, do it directly and not tepidly, and if she turns you down, don't pout; shake it off, and initiate again the next time you have sex.

[Anonymous]

I'm just flummoxed by her refusal to go on weekend getaways. Not doing that tells me she takes sex avoidance to a higher level than just being low drive. Does she have a history of childhood abuse? Or very conservative ideas about sex? I think sometimes women never let go of the "good girls don't" mentality.

[Anonymous]

Is she taking antidepressants or medicine for anxiety? Those definitely can cause low libido? Also, has she put on a lot of weight? That could cause her to be self conscious in bed. Other things to consider would be female pain or female problems--such as yeast infections, bacterial infections. If I were you, I would ask her. My husband brought it to my attention before and I made a change. At the time I had put on weight and was self conscious in bed. We talked it out. Tell her it is important that you all reconnect intimately and see what she says. I also respect the fact that you are not looking elsewhere do to the lack of sex. Sounds like you are really trying.

[Anonymous]

If she was,always low drive, even as far back as your honeymoon which is usually when drive us at its peak, then it's very unlikely to change. There's more hope when a relationship was once sexual but then fizzled, because it can be rekindled. At least that's my opinion, but hopefully others can prove me wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she attracted to you?
As a DW, I thought that I was low drive and really just wasn't interested for years. Then, this past year out of nowhere I developed a huge crush on someone and all that I want in life is to sleep with him... All. The. Time. (I am not acting on this impulse, but am burning up with desire.)Turns out that I am just not attracted to DH that way.

Heh. Me, too. It suuuuuucks.

[Anonymous]

"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

[Anonymous]

It always amazes me no one ever asks if maybe it's not at the top of the list. Some people don't like ice cream, or candy so I assume it's the same with sex. I've known people where it's at the bottom of the list. There's men who won't communicate or for-fill their wife's needs, yet expect her to for-fill theirs.

It could be a lot of things, possibly she is tired from a busy life. She may feel it's more chore she doesn't need at the end of the day. It may be as other posters suggested she's not attracted. Happens as people age, they can still love their partner but not be as attracted.

If you have good communication, finances are stable, and everything else is working you're doing pretty good imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might try Athol Kay and his Married Man Sex Life approach. His general approach is to have guys improve themselves, reduce the sorts of things that kill attraction, and work on the things that create attraction. (Not really that novel when I make it that general.)

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2015/02/welcome-learn-the-bare-essentials-of-what-athol-is-about/

It's helped my marriage somewhat -- though I can't say I've gone full in with his approach.

A couple of the highlights:

1. Improve your physical appearance -- work out, hygiene, dress better;

2. Be a better leader in your household -- don't be wishy washy, take care of your shit (financial and otherwise), don't be passive;

3. When you initiate, do it directly and not tepidly, and if she turns you down, don't pout; shake it off, and initiate again the next time you have sex.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

When you see the person is going to sleep, or doing something that they are engaged it...it's actually rude and abrupt for someone to do that. Of course it's not mutual. Or trying to wake someone up in the morning will only lead to resentment and avoidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just flummoxed by her refusal to go on weekend getaways. Not doing that tells me she takes sex avoidance to a higher level than just being low drive. Does she have a history of childhood abuse? Or very conservative ideas about sex? I think sometimes women never let go of the "good girls don't" mentality.

She knows the real reason for the get away, lol; so that trick isn't going to work. Child abuse, conservative, seriously?

Let's say it the way it is and cut to the chase. She's not interested, won't ever be interested, and will do the shower thing to get it over with, that way she can do things that really interest her.

Think of it like this. I love math and expect my partner to want to do it with me once, twice a week. I can get pretty paper, give her a pill, take her away in hopes she's going to enjoy math like I do. She's given me every hint, to let me know this isn't her cup. That means I STOP trying to force her knowing how she feels.

Maybe just maybe down the road, she might initiate it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Hi Guys,
OP Here. I really appreciate all of the good ideas and insights.

There are a lot of great suggestions within this post. I really do appreciate all of them. I am going to look them over and try and take a real hard look at what is actually going on and what I can do to make it better.
Thank you.

I know she has told me in the past that she is exhausted at the end of the day and that is part of the reason for the "brush off" at night. I do get and understand that.
But still...the drive is not there for her even when she should not be tired.

We have a very healthy marriage above and beyond this aspect. We are both very active in our communities, active in our children's school and outside activities. We have no financial issues that could add to marital stress.
So it is not that.

We are actually heading out for a nice family cruise vacation. My wife has actually booked us a "spa day" with a couples massage on our first day at sea. Hopefully this vacation can recharge the "batteries" for us.

I do appreciate the help from the board. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe any of the advice you are being given is going to help you. I think it is all good advice in general for trying to rekindle passion that was once there. By your description, your wife has never had what most people would consider a normal libido.

The good news is she is willing to have quickies with you/for you. You say that is a result of your having a conversation. What she is telling you by offering more quickies is that she loves you and wants to see you happy but she just isn't into sex or needs it the way you do. (whether she would be more into sex with a new man is an irrelevant question unless you want to open your marriage). You say she enjoys sex when you have quickies. Great. It's better than nothing.

You need to accept your wife is just really low drive. Quickies are going to be as good as it gets. That is the price of admission for remaining married to her. It would depress me too, I don't think I would stay married/faithful under those circumstances. But you are only going to feel more frustrated trying to fix her when she isn't broken, it's just how she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always amazes me no one ever asks if maybe it's not at the top of the list. Some people don't like ice cream, or candy so I assume it's the same with sex. I've known people where it's at the bottom of the list. There's men who won't communicate or for-fill their wife's needs, yet expect her to for-fill theirs.

It could be a lot of things, possibly she is tired from a busy life. She may feel it's more chore she doesn't need at the end of the day. It may be as other posters suggested she's not attracted. Happens as people age, they can still love their partner but not be as attracted.

If you have good communication, finances are stable, and everything else is working you're doing pretty good imo.

1. It's fulfill, not for-fill
2. If sex is at the top of OP's list and he likes it and doesn't want to go without, then he's not doing pretty good. His unhappiness shouldn't be minimized because it's 'just sex'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Guys,
OP Here. I really appreciate all of the good ideas and insights.

There are a lot of great suggestions within this post. I really do appreciate all of them. I am going to look them over and try and take a real hard look at what is actually going on and what I can do to make it better.
Thank you.

I know she has told me in the past that she is exhausted at the end of the day and that is part of the reason for the "brush off" at night. I do get and understand that.
But still...the drive is not there for her even when she should not be tired.

We have a very healthy marriage above and beyond this aspect. We are both very active in our communities, active in our children's school and outside activities. We have no financial issues that could add to marital stress.
So it is not that.

We are actually heading out for a nice family cruise vacation. My wife has actually booked us a "spa day" with a couples massage on our first day at sea. Hopefully this vacation can recharge the "batteries" for us.

I do appreciate the help from the board. Thank you.

Have fun, sounds like you do have a great marriage. Too many people put sex too high up when it is but one aspect of many in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What is prompting me to write this is that I was just rejected again as I reached over to try and initiate something, anything. I got the good old...I'm too tired...Need to get some sleep..."

So, this may be your problem.

Imaging her writing this post:

I've done my wind down from the busy day, read to get my mind off of everything, slip slowly into the bliss of sweet sleep in my comfy bed, giant dreamy smile of content on my face, I'm drifting off ... then, out of the blue, a hand plops onto my hip implying, wake up and get your motor running NOW!

That is a huge downer.

Change up your routine. Turn her on before she turns it off for the night. Make an effort to turn her on, and not when she's half asleep. Women do not have on/off switches; you need to ramp it up.

The reason she is there for you in the morning shower is that she is awake!

This is ridiculous. Regular sex is an important part of a healthy marriage - it's an obligation. You make it sound like it's a prize awarded to a husband for good behavior.