DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

Security isn't exciting. That's why the qualities that make a good husband often don't make a good lover (and vice versa.) Do you want long term love or do you want hot sex? You probably can't have both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Security isn't exciting. That's why the qualities that make a good husband often don't make a good lover (and vice versa.) Do you want long term love or do you want hot sex? You probably can't have both.

That is probably true unless both people in the relationship have naturally high libidos and sexual curiosity.

But most people can be reasonably happy in a secure relationship with satisfying, frequent sex even if it isn't blazing hot. OP is getting disinterested infrequent sex. Recipe for misery.

[Anonymous]

Actually, you *can* have long term love and keep things hot. But it takes actual work and emotional risk, and never taking your partner for granted or thinking you know all there is to know about this other human being's mind. It also involves facing your own fears and insecurities and being willing to go outside your comfort zone. Do not kid yourself that no one achieves this. People do, and passionate committed love is the absolute best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, you *can* have long term love and keep things hot. But it takes actual work and emotional risk, and never taking your partner for granted or thinking you know all there is to know about this other human being's mind. It also involves facing your own fears and insecurities and being willing to go outside your comfort zone. Do not kid yourself that no one achieves this. People do, and passionate committed love is the absolute best.

Well, it also requires having a partner that does the same. Doesn't matter how much work you put into it if you don't have a partner who will reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

That is very true. However, whenever two people are in a dynamic, one person unilaterally deciding to change will shift the dynamic.

A lot of times I see people complaining about what their spouse will or will not do, but they really need to shift within themselves. Like OP who started this thread. He is unhappy; he needs to act. He needs to think about how he is acting, how he has contributed to things, and how he can do something new to attempt to connect and communicate with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Refreshing honesty from alot of the ladies here.
Sounds like a lot women who no longer care for sex.
How sad. Don't be surprised when your men stray with a younger woman who still has some libido.

And then it's time to slap him with divorce papers and get ready for that sweet, sweet alimony money.

Kaching!!

This is why men should wait until they are older, and marry a younger women. Who wants to live with an old, frigid woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This, plus 1. Start hitting the gym, hard. At night, after your kids are put to bed, go hit the gym. Don't sit around the house moping for your DW's attention - she wants to be left alone at the end of the day. You will burn off the sexual energy, burn off frustration, get in better shape, become more interesting to your DW, and you will get that desirability feeling from other women.

This sounds like a reasonable suggestion.

Signed by a burned out dh, burned out by his own desires and by dw's frequent refusal, by his responsibility and the desire for freedom.

Hang in there my man. I did this and it helped a little. I think it had something to do with a combination of giving your wife some alone time after the kids are in bed so she can facebook or do whatever she does that you look at with frustration because you could be having sex. Also, creating a little independence, a little doubt in the security in the relationship can spark some women. What makes (some) women emotionally secure isn't necessarily what makes them libidinous.

Also, once women start noticing you and flirting with you - you may also get approached by women sexually. You don't have to have an affair, but knowing you can is liberating. You stop feeling trapped, you realize you have options and you can make a conscious choice to stay and remain faithful vs. cheating vs. divorcing. It doesn't help the sexual frustration but it helps the feeling of eternal hopelessness.

+1

Notice the poster who keeps yelling (in all caps) that she is NOT OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

A lot of women go through life in a state of believing that they are constantly being deprived of their own bodies and become fixated on asserting their rights. They have never known a life where someone is not making them feel desired, and they not only take that constant interest for granted, but they see it as a burden. These women have little interest in understanding others because they so fixated on defending their turf from perceived invaders.

If you are married to one of them, you really have to try turning the tables. Stop initiating, get in shape, start socializing with other women, let her experience not being desired. If she doesn't respond, then at least you are ready to hit the ground running after you get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is very true. However, whenever two people are in a dynamic, one person unilaterally deciding to change will shift the dynamic.

A lot of times I see people complaining about what their spouse will or will not do, but they really need to shift within themselves. Like OP who started this thread. He is unhappy; he needs to act. He needs to think about how he is acting, how he has contributed to things, and how he can do something new to attempt to connect and communicate with his wife.

Don't put it all on him. Relationships are a two way street. Just because she is OK with the status quo doesn't mean that she has no obligation to try to find a happy compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to have read the OP in the most uncharitable way and used it as a jumping off point to go off on the patriarchy. Others were trying to help the OP troubleshoot. You don't see troubleshooting as necessary, but it's a lot more productive for their marriage, of which his wife is a part.

What would be productive for the marriage is OP thinking about some of the points brought up, how he may be prioritizing himself getting off over his wife's feelings, in a way that men have done for millennia that has had some truly horrific consequences. And thinking about ways in which he can talk himself out of the sexual entitlement he was raised with as the result of growing up with a patriarchy.

I don't get this at all. I'm a married middle aged woman with a higher sex drive than my husband. It's chronically frustrating to do more than 50% of the emotional work and daily chores, and be in pretty good shape, and yet be told, directly or by omission," That's great honey but I'd rather watch TV than have sex with you." I am entitled to sex. If I don't get it from him, I will get it elsewhere. Nothing to do with patriarchy, and sure as hell nothing to do with who works harder for the family, etc. He just isn't interested in more regular sex.

You could easily tell this post was from a man, probably that same poster who has started a few anti women threads, lol.

+1000

[Anonymous]

^^ there are women on here who are so deeply entrenched in your anti-sex position that you cannot even believe that another woman would betray this puritan ideology by actually wanting sex and expecting a marriage will include regular sex.

Fortunately, AshleyMadison is still alive and well so that anybody stuck in a marriage like that can discretely find a like-minded sexual partner.

[Anonymous]

To 15:30...of course she has to try to find out a happy compromise. She is married to him and I am sure loves him! I'm just saying he needs to change before she can. He needs to rethink how he is approaching things, think about whether what he is offering his wife is appealing to her, rethink his unwillingness to push things and to just accept what has been unsatisfying to him, etc. He needs to shift within himself. He needs to communicate to her that what he misses is not just sex, but feeling wanted, and that he genuinely wants to know her and get closer to her and understand what's going on in her mind. That he's not happy with just going through the motions and that he is not primarily looking for an orgasm, but connection.

When two people are in a stalemate, one person has got to start change happening. I think if there's an unhappy situation, and one person looks deep within themselves and makes hard changes and starts doing things that seemed emotionally risky, the other person will change too. They will have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ there are women on here who are so deeply entrenched in your anti-sex position that you cannot even believe that another woman would betray this puritan ideology by actually wanting sex and expecting a marriage will include regular sex.

Fortunately, AshleyMadison is still alive and well so that anybody stuck in a marriage like that can discretely find a like-minded sexual partner.

And there are hardly any women on it! Have fun chatting with robots, boys!

[Anonymous]

There are women. About 10% of all members. I've met real women from AM. Once again we see that women have a much lower sex drive than men, so there are fewer women on AM. Too bad more women don't like sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are women. About 10% of all members. I've met real women from AM. Once again we see that women have a much lower sex drive than men, so there are fewer women on AM. Too bad more women don't like sex.

Actually, roughly zero percent of active members on Ashley Madison were women.

So, you were either talking to a robot or a man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are women. About 10% of all members. I've met real women from AM. Once again we see that women have a much lower sex drive than men, so there are fewer women on AM. Too bad more women don't like sex.

"What I discovered was that the world of Ashley Madison was a far more dystopian place than anyone had realized. This isn’t a debauched wonderland of men cheating on their wives. It isn’t even a sadscape of 31 million men competing to attract those 5.5 million women in the database. Instead, it’s like a science fictional future where every woman on Earth is dead, and some Dilbert-like engineer has replaced them with badly-designed robots."