If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

OP, several questions to figure out if its you that's the problem or if it's just typical marital boredom combined with you being married to a low drive partner:

Does your DW masturbate? Does she suggest things she wants to do in bed? Does she seek out her own orgasms while you are together? Does she talk about flirting with other men? If the answer is no to most or all of the above, she is just a low drive spouse. If she is seeking these things out, you are doing something to dampen her libido.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, several questions to figure out if its you that's the problem or if it's just typical marital boredom combined with you being married to a low drive partner:

Does your DW masturbate? Does she suggest things she wants to do in bed? Does she seek out her own orgasms while you are together? Does she talk about flirting with other men? If the answer is no to most or all of the above, she is just a low drive spouse. If she is seeking these things out, you are doing something to dampen her libido.

As I mentioned above, I wasn't really trying to figure out if it's me that's the problem, I was interested in hearing from those on the other side of the issue in order to gain some perspective and insight.

But to answer your question, here's what I know:

- Does your DW masturbate?
She says she does on very rare occasions, not sure how often that is because she keeps that to herself

- Does she suggest things she wants to do in bed?
Never

- Does she seek out her own orgasms while you are together?
Not sure what that means

- Does she talk about flirting with other men?
Never, nor have I ever observed her flirting with other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

OP here. Just want to make it clear that was not me. I admit a bit of frustration from some of the responses but I have made a point not to be critical of individual posts from spouses who are sharing their situation. I did enjoy the post on the flatulent bobcat thread that spoofed her post, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

+1

I agree with this. I worry you are destroying a good marriage with your insecurities because it is not perfectly passionate all the time. People go through phases and their feelings/relationships go through phases. It might mean that the way you two relate to each other needs to change (or maybe not), but I don't think there's any reason to think that your marriage/sexual attraction is doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, several questions to figure out if its you that's the problem or if it's just typical marital boredom combined with you being married to a low drive partner:

Does your DW masturbate? Does she suggest things she wants to do in bed? Does she seek out her own orgasms while you are together? Does she talk about flirting with other men? If the answer is no to most or all of the above, she is just a low drive spouse. If she is seeking these things out, you are doing something to dampen her libido.

As I mentioned above, I wasn't really trying to figure out if it's me that's the problem, I was interested in hearing from those on the other side of the issue in order to gain some perspective and insight.

But to answer your question, here's what I know:

- Does your DW masturbate?
She says she does on very rare occasions, not sure how often that is because she keeps that to herself

- Does she suggest things she wants to do in bed?
Never

- Does she seek out her own orgasms while you are together?
Not sure what that means

- Does she talk about flirting with other men?
Never, nor have I ever observed her flirting with other men.

It sounds like your DW just isn't into sex at all. Not sure why you think she isn't into you personally.

[Anonymous]

Because this is what happens in long relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

OP, you are asking because you are trying to solve the problem I assume. Thing is, you are unfortunately in a very normal marriage. Hard to accept, I know. Ask your male long term married friends how often they are having sex. Most, if lucky, once a week. Ask them if their wives love fucking them. Now look who they are. Attractive, ambitious, successful, the kind of guy women want to fuck. And they have - like you have - women who want to fuck them, just not their wives.

This is all saying that you probably aren't the problem. You are married to a normal woman with a normal sex drive which is a million notches below your drive. Save the money you are spending on counselling and go away for the weekend, you will at least have better than average sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because this is what happens in long relationships.

+1. Some people get lucky and marry their equal libido. Some get really unlucky and marry an asexual. The rest of us settle into once a week, give or take, of unexciting but usually orgasmic sex that is enough of a glue to keep the machine running. Those who buckle from the monotany of it have affairs.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Re the rare gem of a woman who have high drives - they are out there. But let me assure you, I have had affairs with married women and they are rarely doing it for the sex. It is usually because they don't feel appreciated, admired, sexy. The sex is a great extra that fuels the feeling of being desired again.

You want someone to really crave you, go gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

Me again. To add to this, when you get to the hotel, try being assertive and dominant in bed. You remember what it was like to crave sex with her in the beginning? Just like, throw her down and go to town. A lot of women want this but it's hard to ask for in person.

[Anonymous]

People, it's not about sex drive. Guarantee you, if this woman started having an affair, she'd be having sex frequently with the new guy. It's about boredom in long relationships: the loss of excitement and novelty. That's why you have to get creative about recreating those feelings, to the extent that you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

OP, I'm another one that could be your DW. Here's my "why" on the whole thing. Like another poster said, we get along great outside the bedroom - we are like best friends. However, we both have gotten pretty comfortable with each other and very predictable. For us (hopefully not for you two yet), it's been so long that we're set in our ways that I don't think we could get out of it at this point. But if this is recently new for you two maybe there's still hope.

For us - the sex is perfunctory. we each knows what the other likes, doesn't like. We go through the motions, do the same things in the same order and we're done. we don't make an effort to put our best out there for each other - we're in our ratty underwear, sweats, not shaved (face for him, legs for me) etc. and be like, you want to have sex tonight? okay. and then we do it.

I'm not sure if he feels the same way towards me as I feel towards him, but after years of this, I'm no longer sexually attracted to him and could honestly never have sex with him again and be moderately happy in life (with him as my life partner). Like I said, I love him with all my heart and we have a great time together - but sexually attractive? nope. It's become more of an obligation or "check the box" kind of thing rather than really wanting it.

This is so depressing. Partly because I can easily see how this happens. Do you think this kind of change over time is inevitable?