If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the 'make me feel desired and wanted subset'?

*raises hand*

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

OP, I'm another one that could be your DW. Here's my "why" on the whole thing. Like another poster said, we get along great outside the bedroom - we are like best friends. However, we both have gotten pretty comfortable with each other and very predictable. For us (hopefully not for you two yet), it's been so long that we're set in our ways that I don't think we could get out of it at this point. But if this is recently new for you two maybe there's still hope.

For us - the sex is perfunctory. we each knows what the other likes, doesn't like. We go through the motions, do the same things in the same order and we're done. we don't make an effort to put our best out there for each other - we're in our ratty underwear, sweats, not shaved (face for him, legs for me) etc. and be like, you want to have sex tonight? okay. and then we do it.

I'm not sure if he feels the same way towards me as I feel towards him, but after years of this, I'm no longer sexually attracted to him and could honestly never have sex with him again and be moderately happy in life (with him as my life partner). Like I said, I love him with all my heart and we have a great time together - but sexually attractive? nope. It's become more of an obligation or "check the box" kind of thing rather than really wanting it.

This is so depressing. Partly because I can easily see how this happens. Do you think this kind of change over time is inevitable?[/quote]

I don't think having one spouse never wanting sex again with other spouse is inevitable. But having the spouse- usually female - with responsive drive generally feeling like she can take or leave sex, miss the exciting sex she once had with nostalgia, and sometimes having good enough sex once the sex starts - that is inevitable for most couples. Some couples who are made of two people with individually high libidos - assuming no resentment or underlying issues - can keep a fire burning with novelty, experimentation, sometimes open relationships - because both people in the marriage are equally motivated by sex.

It's depressing if you went into marriage thinking it would be a lifetime of sexual exploration and fun. Which is like getting an English degree and expecting it will lead to riches. It might, but if you expect it will, you will likely be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

This is so depressing. Partly because I can easily see how this happens. Do you think this kind of change over time is inevitable?

I don't think having one spouse never wanting sex again with other spouse is inevitable. But having the spouse- usually female - with responsive drive generally feeling like she can take or leave sex, miss the exciting sex she once had with nostalgia, and sometimes having good enough sex once the sex starts - that is inevitable for most couples. Some couples who are made of two people with individually high libidos - assuming no resentment or underlying issues - can keep a fire burning with novelty, experimentation, sometimes open relationships - because both people in the marriage are equally motivated by sex.

It's depressing if you went into marriage thinking it would be a lifetime of sexual exploration and fun. Which is like getting an English degree and expecting it will lead to riches. It might, but if you expect it will, you will likely be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, it's not about sex drive. Guarantee you, if this woman started having an affair, she'd be having sex frequently with the new guy. It's about boredom in long relationships: the loss of excitement and novelty. That's why you have to get creative about recreating those feelings, to the extent that you can.

I agree. OP's wife would be swinging from the chandelier if she was having an affair, just as she was when she and OP were dating. But what this OP wants to know is if the reason she isn't into sex is if it's him personally or just typical boredom. I think it's boredom and he can't cure that (he can get novel in the bedroom but she will just as likely be annoyed the sex is taking longer than it should).

Its a "problem" without a solution. If there was a solution, divorce lawyers, adultory websites and marriage counselors would be out of business

[Anonymous]

Also, to add that it is not about low sex drive, or boredom, or lack if desire for my spouse. But the constant need for validation and backflips in the bedroom is annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, it's not about sex drive. Guarantee you, if this woman started having an affair, she'd be having sex frequently with the new guy. It's about boredom in long relationships: the loss of excitement and novelty. That's why you have to get creative about recreating those feelings, to the extent that you can.

+1

[Anonymous]

All these posts from both men and women display the exact same pattern---women riding the cock carousel with crazy sex with bad boys, UNTIL their fading youth drives them to "settle down" with dependable beta husbands who simply don't turn them on sexually. And it's always the husband's fault.

Selfish women married to nebbishy husbands. Ladies, you picked men to marry that you KNEW you could dominate, because that's the kind of marriage you wanted--to someone you could dominate. But a woman isn't ever attracted to a man she can dominate so easily.

Even the one woman said she was far more turned on by an ex who pushed her up against a wall, she called him a "lout"--then says "but it wasn't rape-y." Um, yes, it was "rape-y," and that's why it turned you on so much. But the women know that if they marry a man that dominates them sexually, they lose all power in the relationship to the man, and in a marriage, that is to be avoided at all costs. At least according to the typical "modern feminist liberated woman."

[Anonymous]

No, it's not boredom. All these women understand that the person who holds the sexual upper hand in the relationship holds the upper hand, period.

They can never allow themselves to marry a man who holds the sexual upper hand, because then they would be unable to dominate any aspect of the relationship. They would have to be submissive sexually and every other way--just like the poster who permitted her "lout" ex to push her up against the wall for sex--something that never happens with her husband--not because he wouldn't want to do it--but because she would never allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have this problem. I've been thinking about it and I think what I need is romance and spontaneity. I want my husband to pursue me the way he did before we got married and had kids. I want him to pursue me the way he would if we were having an affair. I want him to arrange weekend getaways, including babysitters for the kids. Surprise me with plane tickets. Make reservations for restaurants. Gifts: jewelry, flowers, lingerie. It's hard to feel sexy in your own home surrounded by needy children.

Anyway, give this a try OP. See what happens.

Many women get married and sex is always something with a quid pro quo. OP just wants his wife to desire him sexually. I'm sure your husband does too.

For whatever reason, women like yourself--most women being talked about in this thread, most in our society--despite being nominal "feminists," always seem to believe that their vagina is such a wonderful prize that the man in their life has to pay a toll for admission to it.

[Anonymous]

"Refreshingly honest" about her being "in incredible shape" -- LOL! Typical DC Urban Mom!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a real catch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

What's up with that response? She sounds like a catch and is refreshingly honest. Too bad you are threatened by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H felt the same way.

I was sick of needing him to feel like I want him. It is very unattractive and needy and insecure.

Why do I need to put on a show to prove to you I want you.

Funny story, My H best friend is divorced. He was on a date and when they got home, he actually was stupid enough to say to his hot 28 yo date, show me you want me...

she said, "the f'... want you...? no wonder your needy ass is divorced, I am 28, I am naked, you need more than that... dang!" she got dressed and left.

My H acts less needy now, thank you 28 yo woman I have never met.

You are creating an expectation in your head that is unnecessary and it is causing you to be bitter. YOU are creating this situation and you are being passive aggressive about.

Step 1: I just want sex.
Step 2: I want you to prove you want it too.
Step 3: Now I need you to act sexy and prove you want it.
Step 4: Your wife finds somebody that just wants sex.

Haha this story is so awesome.

Seriously, I can hardly think of a less attractive thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is so depressing. Partly because I can easily see how this happens. Do you think this kind of change over time is inevitable?

I don't think having one spouse never wanting sex again with other spouse is inevitable. But having the spouse- usually female - with responsive drive generally feeling like she can take or leave sex, miss the exciting sex she once had with nostalgia, and sometimes having good enough sex once the sex starts - that is inevitable for most couples. Some couples who are made of two people with individually high libidos - assuming no resentment or underlying issues - can keep a fire burning with novelty, experimentation, sometimes open relationships - because both people in the marriage are equally motivated by sex.

It's depressing if you went into marriage thinking it would be a lifetime of sexual exploration and fun. Which is like getting an English degree and expecting it will lead to riches. It might, but if you expect it will, you will likely be disappointed.

Not quite.

Spoiled women who feel they have the upper hand in the relationship, and who are not particularly sexually attracted to their husbands in the first place, have "responsive desire." That is, they feel under no obligation to initiate anything, or to build up desire in themselves. The husband must kowtow and cater to them in some manner to be graced with the astounding privilege of vaginal access. The husband has to jump through an unknown number of arbitrary hoops and maybe if he is lucky her "desire" will "respond." And maybe not.

It really has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with power. Denying sex to their husbands, or making them jump through endless hoops for the hope of getting sex--gifts, date nights, whatever the arbitrary requirement might be--is all about maintaining control and power in the relationship.

The only way to win this game is not to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these posts from both men and women display the exact same pattern---women riding the cock carousel with crazy sex with bad boys, UNTIL their fading youth drives them to "settle down" with dependable beta husbands who simply don't turn them on sexually. And it's always the husband's fault.

Selfish women married to nebbishy husbands. Ladies, you picked men to marry that you KNEW you could dominate, because that's the kind of marriage you wanted--to someone you could dominate. But a woman isn't ever attracted to a man she can dominate so easily.

Even the one woman said she was far more turned on by an ex who pushed her up against a wall, she called him a "lout"--then says "but it wasn't rape-y." Um, yes, it was "rape-y," and that's why it turned you on so much. But the women know that if they marry a man that dominates them sexually, they lose all power in the relationship to the man, and in a marriage, that is to be avoided at all costs. At least according to the typical "modern feminist liberated woman."

But if this didn't happen--women sacrificing their dreams for stable nerds--99 percent of men in the DC suburbs would be married to their right hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

This is awesome advice. OP, listen to this guy. He's figured the game out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

You must buy him plane tickets, gifts, hire baby sitters, fix the transmission in his truck, and Super Bowl tickets to cause him to want to have sex with you. Also, stop haranguing him about his obesity--it's so shallow of you, and you should love him for who he is on the inside.