If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

OP, I'm another one that could be your DW. Here's my "why" on the whole thing. Like another poster said, we get along great outside the bedroom - we are like best friends. However, we both have gotten pretty comfortable with each other and very predictable. For us (hopefully not for you two yet), it's been so long that we're set in our ways that I don't think we could get out of it at this point. But if this is recently new for you two maybe there's still hope.

For us - the sex is perfunctory. we each knows what the other likes, doesn't like. We go through the motions, do the same things in the same order and we're done. we don't make an effort to put our best out there for each other - we're in our ratty underwear, sweats, not shaved (face for him, legs for me) etc. and be like, you want to have sex tonight? okay. and then we do it.

I'm not sure if he feels the same way towards me as I feel towards him, but after years of this, I'm no longer sexually attracted to him and could honestly never have sex with him again and be moderately happy in life (with him as my life partner). Like I said, I love him with all my heart and we have a great time together - but sexually attractive? nope. It's become more of an obligation or "check the box" kind of thing rather than really wanting it.

How often do you have sex with him? Have you ever cheated on him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

OP here. I find this interesting and can relate to this. I've spent most of our marriage working two jobs and up to three jobs at one point so I've always been a hard worker. I have deliberately avoided the management track at work because I know that DW would not be able to handle the extra hours and travel that would involve but at the same time I see that she resents me for not being more ambitious.

This is me working multiple jobs. I would have had so much more respect for my spouse had he done the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

In my experience, that "rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire" is crazy as a shithouse rat. You know what they say about crazy girls. They are good for that, but lousy to be in any sort of relationship with other than purely for sex.

This might have some truth. I have spontaneous desire but it's hard to control. I have no ability to be monogamous and my boyfriends know it and have to accept it. So Op, maybe focus a bit on the great things your wife does. Unless you'd be happy with more blowjobs and less cooking and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

In my experience, that "rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire" is crazy as a shithouse rat. You know what they say about crazy girls. They are good for that, but lousy to be in any sort of relationship with other than purely for sex.

This might have some truth. I have spontaneous desire but it's hard to control. I have no ability to be monogamous and my boyfriends know it and have to accept it. So Op, maybe focus a bit on the great things your wife does. Unless you'd be happy with more blowjobs and less cooking and cleaning.

I could do without the batshit crazy, but I'd call more sex and less cooking and cleaning a pretty good trade. I can cook. I can't give myself a blow job.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your wife sexually respond to you when you are on vacation?

Reason I ask, if your DW is responsive desire then the day to day grind overrides her ability to respond to you sexually (which is tough to begin with because you are familiar to her). If she is on vacation in a new environment without distractions, she should be responding to the combo of you and the exotic newness of a hotel. If she still has no interest in sex even on vacation, then yes, she probably isn't sexually attracted to you at all. Even though she still loves you and finds you attractive in the generic sense.

Sorry to hear it my man. If its consolation, your situation is common. There is a disparity between male and female sex drive in general but it becomes a massive gulf in most long term marriages. And now you see why there is such a high demand for prostitutes, Ashley Madison accounts, etc. Read up on the rates gay men and lesbians have sex in long term relationships, you will realize its a gender thing, and hopefully you can stop seeing this as personal rejection.

Think of it as the price of admission for marriage. You are trading sexual excitement for stability and (hopefully) a great life partner and mother of your children. Sure, there are a lucky few who find a passionate marriage, but like shooting for the CEO corner suite, it is not a realistic goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

To add, on my part at least, a lot of it is boredom. We've been together for so long that I have begun to view him as a companion rather than a "boyfriend" that I get excited about. He's handsome and a great dad, but after years of the same old day-to-day happenings, I think this may just be the nature of many marriages.
I am in incredible shape yet he rarely compliments me on my looks/figure, despite me communicating this to him. He never makes me feel sexy. He rarely wants to be affectionate unless it leads to sex. Over the years, I have found myself to be much more extroverted, and it annoys me when he doesn't want to attend events/parties/causal gatherings. He isn't a huge conversationalist (spends a lot of time on his iPhone and Nextflix) when I'd love to be out doing something or even staying in and doing something simple like cooking.

I have a fairly high drive and though he's attractive with a good body, I like the lights off so I can think of someone else. That sounds horrible, I know. (And I don't fantasize of move stars, but more everyday guys/dads that are flirty and complimentary).

[Anonymous]

OP here again. A pattern is emerging from this thread so far.

The self-appointed relationship experts seem to be saying some variation of "all marriages end up that way; men and women are just different" so suck it up and be happy you have a (possibly) wonderful life partner and co-parent.

Those spouses (all DWs so far) who actually share their feelings about their specific situation will usually say something about how they are bored with the sameness of it all, but if you read carefully it seems to be more about how they are unhappy with who their spouses are. Of course that includes a significant subset of the "bad boys make me hot, but I didn't want to marry one, and now I'm bored with the good husband/father material I did marry" types.

Pretty goddamn depressing so far.

[Anonymous]

Where is the 'make me feel desired and wanted subset'?

*raises hand*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. A pattern is emerging from this thread so far.

The self-appointed relationship experts seem to be saying some variation of "all marriages end up that way; men and women are just different" so suck it up and be happy you have a (possibly) wonderful life partner and co-parent.

Those spouses (all DWs so far) who actually share their feelings about their specific situation will usually say something about how they are bored with the sameness of it all, but if you read carefully it seems to be more about how they are unhappy with who their spouses are. Of course that includes a significant subset of the "bad boys make me hot, but I didn't want to marry one, and now I'm bored with the good husband/father material I did marry" types.

Pretty goddamn depressing so far.

You missed the .. Maybe your wife just hates your fucking guts and is waiting for a good time to get out, you sound like douche.

[Anonymous]

OP, what helped me accept my marriage to my low libido DW whose attraction I questioned was seeing how often couples have sex. Only about 25% of couples have sex more than once a week, and I am sure most of those are due to the wife placating the husband. Point being its really rare for any woman in a LTR to want to have sex with her husband very often. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#frequency

Point being, it's probably not you, your wife would be sick of fucking some jacked up alpha male too.

In fairness, how stoked are you to fuck your wife? Does she get you as excited as the young secretary sitting across from your partner? No, she doesn't. The reason you are hot for your wife so badly is because you wake up with erections, think about sex all day, and your wife, whom you find attractive, is your only approved sexual outlet.

Not trying to minimize your pain. Sex and Money are the two top reasons couples split. In DCUM land, money is rarely an issue.

I make this sound easy, but it took years for me to come to terms with the fact that married sex is never going to be what I had hoped it would. Not sure how old you are, but as I hit my mid-40s, my sex drive calmed down enough for our once a week sex to keep me sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

What I don't understand is that this is something you presumably should have known before you married/had kids. You don't turn into a beta from an alpha, he's always been a a beta correct? That is a huge thing so what was the initial attraction to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what helped me accept my marriage to my low libido DW whose attraction I questioned was seeing how often couples have sex. Only about 25% of couples have sex more than once a week, and I am sure most of those are due to the wife placating the husband. Point being its really rare for any woman in a LTR to want to have sex with her husband very often. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#frequency

Point being, it's probably not you, your wife would be sick of fucking some jacked up alpha male too.

In fairness, how stoked are you to fuck your wife? Does she get you as excited as the young secretary sitting across from your partner? No, she doesn't. The reason you are hot for your wife so badly is because you wake up with erections, think about sex all day, and your wife, whom you find attractive, is your only approved sexual outlet.

Not trying to minimize your pain. Sex and Money are the two top reasons couples split. In DCUM land, money is rarely an issue.

I make this sound easy, but it took years for me to come to terms with the fact that married sex is never going to be what I had hoped it would. Not sure how old you are, but as I hit my mid-40s, my sex drive calmed down enough for our once a week sex to keep me sane.

As a high libido female I find your explanation extremely depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the 'make me feel desired and wanted subset'?

*raises hand*

This is interesting. As a DH who also wants to feel desired and wanted by my DW, it has not diminished my sexual attraction for her one iota.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what helped me accept my marriage to my low libido DW whose attraction I questioned was seeing how often couples have sex. Only about 25% of couples have sex more than once a week, and I am sure most of those are due to the wife placating the husband. Point being its really rare for any woman in a LTR to want to have sex with her husband very often. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#frequency

Point being, it's probably not you, your wife would be sick of fucking some jacked up alpha male too.

In fairness, how stoked are you to fuck your wife? Does she get you as excited as the young secretary sitting across from your partner? No, she doesn't. The reason you are hot for your wife so badly is because you wake up with erections, think about sex all day, and your wife, whom you find attractive, is your only approved sexual outlet.

Not trying to minimize your pain. Sex and Money are the two top reasons couples split. In DCUM land, money is rarely an issue.

I make this sound easy, but it took years for me to come to terms with the fact that married sex is never going to be what I had hoped it would. Not sure how old you are, but as I hit my mid-40s, my sex drive calmed down enough for our once a week sex to keep me sane.

OP here. I won't bother to respond to the rest of your post but I'd like to point out that I actually do get excited about my DW. More than the young 20-somethings around the office. She's always had that effect on me. I'm also probably around the same age as you but my sex drive hasn't calmed down much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. A pattern is emerging from this thread so far.

The self-appointed relationship experts seem to be saying some variation of "all marriages end up that way; men and women are just different" so suck it up and be happy you have a (possibly) wonderful life partner and co-parent.

Those spouses (all DWs so far) who actually share their feelings about their specific situation will usually say something about how they are bored with the sameness of it all, but if you read carefully it seems to be more about how they are unhappy with who their spouses are. Of course that includes a significant subset of the "bad boys make me hot, but I didn't want to marry one, and now I'm bored with the good husband/father material I did marry" types.

Pretty goddamn depressing so far.

You missed the .. Maybe your wife just hates your fucking guts and is waiting for a good time to get out, you sound like douche.

Could be. Anything's possible. You sound pretty upset. That's a lot of anger to direct at an anonymous internet poster. Did I hit a little too close to home?