My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to outsource your needs, dude.

Knock yourself out. Just dont act surprised or offended when your wife files for divorce.

He should file himself. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

The bargain? Women are not obligated to have sex with anyone, including their spouse. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience. If she's not liking it, then she's not going to want it.

Agreed 100%

I wonder if you did a survey of men, whether the men who had attitudes like "women are obligated to give men sex as part of the marriage 'bargain'" are the men who aren't getting any? And whether their attitudes caused their wives to stop wanting to have sex or whether the sex aspect of their relationships went south and then they adopted a more transactional worldview to protect their feelings?

Some very interesting considerations. I do feel for anyone who is sexually unfulfilled in their marriages, but I think making it a transaction is the wrong way to go.

I think that is an overly negative way of framing this issue. Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

[Anonymous]

OP, did she ever live sex with you? Did you ever have a good sex life? If not, she may have married her "best friend" because that comfort and companionship was a priority to her, and this is almost always the outcome in those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Obviously circumstances are a factor. I said "some responsibility" and "reasonable," not "sex on demand regardless of how the other spouse feels." Based on the limited things you have said, I would certainly agree it sounds like he needs to be trying harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, asking for sex it a huge turn-off.

Not for me. I'd rather dh would use words but he sees that as begging. What's wrong with being direct about what you want?

Men should just know. Forcefully pursuing sex even if she is playing "hard to get" is sexy. Shows his passion. Being desired makes her feel desirable. If he asks, it ruins the fantasy.

But, when she isn't playing hard to get but (even though saying the exact same words and taking the exact same actions) truly doesn't want to have sex with the guy, he should just know not to try to initiate sex. If he asks, it's creepy.

See also: Schrodinger's Rapist.

Pp here. I hope you're being facetious because I think that's ridiculous. We tell children to "use words." Grown ups should be able to talk about their needs.

[Anonymous]

You can't give up on sex and pretend like that's fair to your spouse. A sexual relationship is part of marriage. You can just decide it doesn't matter to either of you.

[Anonymous]

OP what turns your wife on? What does she find sexy in a man? Who are her celebrity crushes? Any particular kind of style of dress, including uniforms/costumes, that she finds sexy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Exactly. The fact is, since many women are not getting sexually satisfied through intercourse, the sexual "implicit contract" has already been violated. If we get angry at wives for not having sex with their husbands we need to get angry with husbands for not getting their wives off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Exactly. The fact is, since many women are not getting sexually satisfied through intercourse, the sexual "implicit contract" has already been violated. If we get angry at wives for not having sex with their husbands we need to get angry with husbands for not getting their wives off.

I would freely agree that a wife in that circumstance has a legitimate beef with her DH, and he has an obligation to work to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Exactly. The fact is, since many women are not getting sexually satisfied through intercourse, the sexual "implicit contract" has already been violated. If we get angry at wives for not having sex with their husbands we need to get angry with husbands for not getting their wives off.

I would freely agree that a wife in that circumstance has a legitimate beef with her DH, and he has an obligation to work to improve.

This assumes, I would think, that the wife knows what would get her off and has told the DH or, alternatively, does not know, has told DH she doesn't know, and has told DH she's willing to try different stuff until they figure it out. (Also assumes that what gets her off is "reasonable" -- if she needs him to build the pyramids with a unicorn while wearing a clown costume before she can get off, then I don't think he's obligated.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, asking for sex it a huge turn-off.

Not for me. I'd rather dh would use words but he sees that as begging. What's wrong with being direct about what you want?

Men should just know. Forcefully pursuing sex even if she is playing "hard to get" is sexy. Shows his passion. Being desired makes her feel desirable. If he asks, it ruins the fantasy.

But, when she isn't playing hard to get but (even though saying the exact same words and taking the exact same actions) truly doesn't want to have sex with the guy, he should just know not to try to initiate sex. If he asks, it's creepy.

See also: Schrodinger's Rapist.

Pp here. I hope you're being facetious because I think that's ridiculous. We tell children to "use words." Grown ups should be able to talk about their needs.

Yes, being facetious. There does seem to be a desire for a sexual partner to be a mind reader. Expressing your sexual needs and wants puts you in a vulnerable position. So it's not surprising that people are reluctant to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what turns your wife on? What does she find sexy in a man? Who are her celebrity crushes? Any particular kind of style of dress, including uniforms/costumes, that she finds sexy?

x2 would like to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Exactly. The fact is, since many women are not getting sexually satisfied through intercourse, the sexual "implicit contract" has already been violated. If we get angry at wives for not having sex with their husbands we need to get angry with husbands for not getting their wives off.

I would say that the DW in such a situation has two obligations. One, honesty. If she knows why she is not interested or what would make her more interested, she ought to say so. There could be a lot of reasons, many of which could be the DH's own fault, but obviously those can't really be corrected if he doesn't know about them. Two, to make real efforts to try to improve things. That might be experimenting, that might be counseling, it might be a lot of things.

What I think often happens in situations where this becomes a giant problem is that the only real answer the DW would have is either "be someone else" or "nothing, I am just over sex entirely" and doesn't want to say that because it would be destabilizing to the marriage. I sympathize with the difficulty of such a situation, but don't think it is fair to conceal those things or to demand celibacy from one's spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP is strangely silent when repeatedly asked whether his wife truly enjoys satisfying sex with him.

[Anonymous]