My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Exactly. The fact is, since many women are not getting sexually satisfied through intercourse, the sexual "implicit contract" has already been violated. If we get angry at wives for not having sex with their husbands we need to get angry with husbands for not getting their wives off.

I would say that the DW in such a situation has two obligations. One, honesty. If she knows why she is not interested or what would make her more interested, she ought to say so. There could be a lot of reasons, many of which could be the DH's own fault, but obviously those can't really be corrected if he doesn't know about them. Two, to make real efforts to try to improve things. That might be experimenting, that might be counseling, it might be a lot of things.

What I think often happens in situations where this becomes a giant problem is that the only real answer the DW would have is either "be someone else" or "nothing, I am just over sex entirely" and doesn't want to say that because it would be destabilizing to the marriage. I sympathize with the difficulty of such a situation, but don't think it is fair to conceal those things or to demand celibacy from one's spouse.

The problem also is the Dh's fragile ego. Saying you are not being satisfied is like a death chant to a DH. Trying to explain to my DH what I need has been an awful endeavor and he just shut down sexually. We are in therapy now for it, it has gotten so bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is strangely silent when repeatedly asked whether his wife truly enjoys satisfying sex with him.

Well, duh. She obviously doesn't or OP wouldn't be here. The only real issues are why that is, whether there is anything OP can do about it, and what his next step should be if he can't. The problem is that she apparently won't engage with him on those issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Exactly. The fact is, since many women are not getting sexually satisfied through intercourse, the sexual "implicit contract" has already been violated. If we get angry at wives for not having sex with their husbands we need to get angry with husbands for not getting their wives off.

I would say that the DW in such a situation has two obligations. One, honesty. If she knows why she is not interested or what would make her more interested, she ought to say so. There could be a lot of reasons, many of which could be the DH's own fault, but obviously those can't really be corrected if he doesn't know about them. Two, to make real efforts to try to improve things. That might be experimenting, that might be counseling, it might be a lot of things.

What I think often happens in situations where this becomes a giant problem is that the only real answer the DW would have is either "be someone else" or "nothing, I am just over sex entirely" and doesn't want to say that because it would be destabilizing to the marriage. I sympathize with the difficulty of such a situation, but don't think it is fair to conceal those things or to demand celibacy from one's spouse.

The problem also is the Dh's fragile ego. Saying you are not being satisfied is like a death chant to a DH. Trying to explain to my DH what I need has been an awful endeavor and he just shut down sexually. We are in therapy now for it, it has gotten so bad.

It is a difficult thing to hear, and therapy is a reasonable response to such a situation it seems to me. I hope it improves things.

[Anonymous]

I'll go for another angle. I used to love sex, but don't enjoy it that much anymore. And my libido is no where near what it used to be. My husband is awesome in bed. He's great around the house. Totally handsome. But my hormones have changed over the years.
He is great, and I have learned to go with his advances even if I'm not in the mood. And I tell him what helps me get turned on. But it took a while for me to get to that point. I used to be frustrated at his desires and annoyed that he wanted it when I didn't - even though he wasn't doing anything "wrong". It was and is frustrating to me that I don't have the desire I used to. I just deal with it better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WEED.

Really? Is pot an aphrodisiac?

Um, yes. Yes, it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what turns your wife on? What does she find sexy in a man? Who are her celebrity crushes? Any particular kind of style of dress, including uniforms/costumes, that she finds sexy?

All I can say to this is summed up in a Lyle Lovett song:

"If I were the man you wanted, I would not be the man that I am"

Meanwhile. What if her celeb crush was a daily obsession that drove a wedge in the marriage. Add to that the crush, and her daily blog about him made hubby jealous and insecure. What guy wants to think about his wife dreaming of some old fart on TV?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With regard to sex not being part of a "bargain" in marriage because it's not paid for -- in that sense, is there anything that's part of the bargain in marriage?

If sex is not "owed," I'm curious what, if anything, is owed from one spouse to another.

I promised to love, honor and cherish my spouse. I owe him those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This emphasizes how lucky I am to be married to a horny woman.

You are. Even though my husband is worse than average in bed, he gets it more than average simply because I want sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Implicit in monogamy is some responsibility to meet your spouse's reasonable sexual needs under ordinary circumstances.

Even if those needs don't match up with your own? I am a DW whose husband always makes sure his needs are met. His response to my LD? Great! Now he doesn't even both to try to make me feel good.

Are you hard to please? Does your husband know what you like, just can't be bothered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is strangely silent when repeatedly asked whether his wife truly enjoys satisfying sex with him.

Well, duh. She obviously doesn't or OP wouldn't be here. The only real issues are why that is, whether there is anything OP can do about it, and what his next step should be if he can't. The problem is that she apparently won't engage with him on those issues.

Not necessarily. She might just be extremely low desire, and be very satisfied with once a month. There are a lot of variations out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll go for another angle. I used to love sex, but don't enjoy it that much anymore. And my libido is no where near what it used to be. My husband is awesome in bed. He's great around the house. Totally handsome. But my hormones have changed over the years.
He is great, and I have learned to go with his advances even if I'm not in the mood. And I tell him what helps me get turned on. But it took a while for me to get to that point. I used to be frustrated at his desires and annoyed that he wanted it when I didn't - even though he wasn't doing anything "wrong". It was and is frustrating to me that I don't have the desire I used to. I just deal with it better now.

Well, that was a reflective, reasoned response to a difficult and nuanced problem. Therefore, I presume it violates forum rules and should be removed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll go for another angle. I used to love sex, but don't enjoy it that much anymore. And my libido is no where near what it used to be. My husband is awesome in bed. He's great around the house. Totally handsome. But my hormones have changed over the years.
He is great, and I have learned to go with his advances even if I'm not in the mood. And I tell him what helps me get turned on. But it took a while for me to get to that point. I used to be frustrated at his desires and annoyed that he wanted it when I didn't - even though he wasn't doing anything "wrong". It was and is frustrating to me that I don't have the desire I used to. I just deal with it better now.

Well, that was a reflective, reasoned response to a difficult and nuanced problem. Therefore, I presume it violates forum rules and should be removed.

OP here. This is indeed reflective. The first seven or so sentences describe our situation perfectly -- though I don't really know how good I am in bed; I'm probably about average. Anyway, here's hoping that the second half of this plays out in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem also is the Dh's fragile ego. Saying you are not being satisfied is like a death chant to a DH. Trying to explain to my DH what I need has been an awful endeavor and he just shut down sexually. We are in therapy now for it, it has gotten so bad.

Part of it can be how you phrase it too. (not saying you're to blame for your husband's fragile ego)

You could say "I really want you to X my Y, it really gets me off"

or

You could say "I never cum because you always X and never Y"

Personally, I'll take the carrot and not the stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, asking for sex it a huge turn-off.

Not for me. I'd rather dh would use words but he sees that as begging. What's wrong with being direct about what you want?

Men should just know. Forcefully pursuing sex even if she is playing "hard to get" is sexy. Shows his passion. Being desired makes her feel desirable. If he asks, it ruins the fantasy.

But, when she isn't playing hard to get but (even though saying the exact same words and taking the exact same actions) truly doesn't want to have sex with the guy, he should just know not to try to initiate sex. If he asks, it's creepy.

See also: Schrodinger's Rapist.

Pp here. I hope you're being facetious because I think that's ridiculous. We tell children to "use words." Grown ups should be able to talk about their needs.

Yes, being facetious. There does seem to be a desire for a sexual partner to be a mind reader. Expressing your sexual needs and wants puts you in a vulnerable position. So it's not surprising that people are reluctant to do it.

Pp here. Yes, it's not easy to do. I'm sympathetic to that and to be honest, I'm not all that great at it but at least I try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem also is the Dh's fragile ego. Saying you are not being satisfied is like a death chant to a DH. Trying to explain to my DH what I need has been an awful endeavor and he just shut down sexually. We are in therapy now for it, it has gotten so bad.

Part of it can be how you phrase it too. (not saying you're to blame for your husband's fragile ego)

You could say "I really want you to X my Y, it really gets me off"

or

You could say "I never cum because you always X and never Y"

Personally, I'll take the carrot and not the stick.

"You suck in bed. Be better." probably isn't the most helpful way to frame it either.