How would you handle this with your MIL? Threw out all my baby clothes.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
just wondering -- is it spiteful bitchiness, or just kind of an ongoing/permanent immaturity? my mom (age 82) all of her life has told little lies, re-remembered things to her convenience, changed her arguments, logic etc in midstream to always be in the right. meanwhile, she's not trying to be bitchy or spiteful etc.
imo, she just takes everything personally, thinks it a HUGE deal to simply say and be sorry, seems to think that being wrong is a sign of being not smart, etc. i partly blame my grandparents (nice grandparents but apparently tough parents). she's always been like this, and i just try to not engage in what otherwise becomes crazy arguments. |
Anonymous
| well, you sort of handed over rights to the items by storing them elsewhere. i've had it happen to me and have learned my lesson...once it leaves my possession i can't complain about what happens to it. i think this is especially true if it's in garbage bags...garbage bags=junk/garbage. if you wanted to make sure it doesn't look like garbage, put them in boxes or plastic bins. Also, who needs 10 (TEN!!) baby dolls? Seems excessive. |
Anonymous
|
Pp, those dolls were very nice and all gifts from MY parents. I was saving them for my other children or sisters dd who is 1.5 now but lives out of state so haven't been able to hand them down. Either way, she was with me when I folded and put everything away.
You are right. Learned my lesson. She almost threw out my $130 high hair. If I hadn't gotten there that day. She was acting stunned I wanted to save that. My first dd didn't even touch it bc she ate in a high back booster and it was too large for our condo at the time. But it was perfect otherwise. |
Anonymous
This is how I've dealt with my MIL for years. It works very well. |
Anonymous
This approach works for me too. |
Anonymous
It is funny though. The DW's are ALWAYS saying that the DH's should take the lead with his mother. But here you have (and this is not the only post), DW advocating making the decision to cut off the MIL financially. TBH, no self respecting DH would take this position and harm his mom over some baby clothes. Further, I would not want to be married to a man who would. That type of emotionless vindictiveness toward one's own mother is scary. My DH would have read his mother the riot act over this. No doubt. At the end of the day though, that is his mother and she deserves his love and respect. She did raise him to be a good man and I am now benefitting from that. OP, I suggest that YOU limit your contact with her, but do NOT try to turn your DH against her. He supported you and he likely said somethings to her that you were not privy to. |
Anonymous
| Right....these items were SO important to OP that instead of taking her butt to Target and buying plastic sealable bins and labels ($10 bucks apiece), she stores them in Hefty bags. Yet, gets mad when MIL treats the items as trash forgetting that she kinda did the same thing. LOL |
Anonymous
|
It was aggressive. It was an act of cruelty. She knew what she was doing (demonstrated by her saving the things she personally gave). She's a liar. She attempted to manipulate, with your Dh standing right there. Based on all of these facts, how anyone could suggest that you do anything but cut her off is beyond me.
How would I handle it? I'd cut her off. You've already said you are giving her a pass on this. You are putting her in the penalty box for two measly weeks. There's no way. I'd put up with a lot, but I wouldn't put up with aggression or cruelty. She did this deliberately to hurt you! |
Anonymous
|
It was mean, she is not to be trusted, do not store stuff at her house, lesson learned. I agree thrift shops and consignment sales can replace some of it more cheaply than new.
She owes you an apology. |
Anonymous
| I'm actually surprised how this thread has gone in favor of the OP. typically I think DCUM can be harsh towards DILs with expectations for MILs. Personally I think the MIL in this story was a bitch and I would take the approach advocated by a PP to never initiate or plan anything with her again. But to have DH cut her off over baby clothes? That's a little over the top. |
Anonymous
OP Ignore this person. They can't read or don't understand that there is no chance this was a case of "mistaken identity", i.e. MIL thinking it was trash. She absolutely knew it wasn't, and kept changing her story about what you'd told her about it. The issue of what they were stored in is irrelevant, and you should handle this OP very clear that your MIL knew exactly what she was doing. Because you know she did know. |
Anonymous
|
In terms of cutting off, I don't really see how OP is in a position to do this or advocate total cut off - I mean this woman IS her DH's mother. But she can not participate; as another PP said, he wants to see her, or she wants to see the grandkids, he can take her. Maybe suffer her on a few holidays, but other than that, OP can decide this was the final straw and not deal with her anymore.
But honestly, unless she was abusive or neglectful or hurtful to the grandkids, I would never advocating total cut off from their grandma. OP should just be able to not have to deal with her herself. Also OP, if you not dealing with her becomes an issue for her, be ready to say calmly but firmly "You know that you did the wrong thing, that it wasn't a mistake, and then you lied to me and your son about it. That is unacceptable and I won't put myself in the position of being treated like that further." And that's all you say, in the course of the few times you see her. Be civil in front of the kids but the moment she starts pulling anything bad, say "Ok kids, we need to leave now" if you happen to have them, or say "Ok, well I need to be going" and leave your DH and kids with her. Sorry for your losses OP. We have an only child, who is 5 now, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to part with her baby clothes. At some point I will give them away or sell some to cosignment (the really really nice stuff), but I understand the sentimental value and wanting them to go to someone you know/love if they're having a baby and you don't use the clothes anymore. That idea of stuff thrown i nthe trash/Goodwill that you would have used is awful. |
Anonymous
I'm a pp who favors cutting her off. I wouldn't expect the Dh to cut her off, but I'd feel pretty confident I could live a nice long happy life without seeing much of her. And doing zero to make any limited contact actually happen. And if you think this is a story about baby clothes, you are kind of missing the whole point. It is as much about baby clothes as the Lincoln assassination is about the president spending an evening at the theater. |
Anonymous
This sounds right to me. OP, it sounds like you triggered your MIL's defense mechanisms and you found out that they extend past the point of reality. Her behavior indicates a person so damaged that she will not allow reality/facts/logic/testimonials to get in the way of preventing any further damage, such as the shameful feelings she would normally have for throwing away sentimental items. This may not have been particularly directed at you (a sword) so much as it was protecting her (a shield). In terms of why she threw them away, she may be narcissistic and so other people's needs just don't cross her mind (makes sense if she's consumed with the task of protecting herself). I think this is a big deal, but what is interesting to me is something that none of the other commenters have mentioned yet -- now that you know she is this kind of person, doesn't that cast your husband in a different light? Somehow I doubt he is well-adjusted after being raised by this person. You two both need to work together on what M/MIL has done to him all these years, too. |
Anonymous
+1. Sorry. |