My ex is married and has a baby due any day now. We haven’t been broken up two years yet…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If he's 37 and this is a life ling friend maybe they wanted to get a move on, especially if they wanted multiple kids.

My friend remarried and his wife was expecting after about a year of dating (they had both been married before, both very much wanted kids but hadn't had them in their first marriages) but they were 39, they didn't have time to wait. They've been together for five years now and have two kids and as far as I can tell are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

I guess that’s true. According to her engagement announcement they met as teens and had crossed paths throughout the years but something about not being the right time yadda yadda. Didn’t get the impression that they truly knew each other on that level, more so knew of each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

Relevant if you’re trying to have children. Unfortunately, women don’t have the same leisure as men to spend years. At that age, especially with having already known the person before dating, your discernment should be pretty finely tuned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

Relevant if you’re trying to have children. Unfortunately, women don’t have the same leisure as men to spend years. At that age, especially with having already known the person before dating, your discernment should be pretty finely tuned.

And dating for 1.5 years is enough time IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

Relevant if you’re trying to have children. Unfortunately, women don’t have the same leisure as men to spend years. At that age, especially with having already known the person before dating, your discernment should be pretty finely tuned.

And dating for 1.5 years is enough time IMO.

I had friends who were together for over 5 years before they married and broke up in under a year. If there's a sweet spot to how long you should date first, I haven't seen it play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If he's 37 and this is a life ling friend maybe they wanted to get a move on, especially if they wanted multiple kids.

My friend remarried and his wife was expecting after about a year of dating (they had both been married before, both very much wanted kids but hadn't had them in their first marriages) but they were 39, they didn't have time to wait. They've been together for five years now and have two kids and as far as I can tell are very happy.

That's great when it works.

It's not great when you're reading about children born to dysfunctional pessimists, abusive psychopaths and criminals. Pressure from age, society and family only increase the chances of overlooking and minimizing red flags clearly indicating someone who should not be responsible for a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If he's 37 and this is a life ling friend maybe they wanted to get a move on, especially if they wanted multiple kids.

My friend remarried and his wife was expecting after about a year of dating (they had both been married before, both very much wanted kids but hadn't had them in their first marriages) but they were 39, they didn't have time to wait. They've been together for five years now and have two kids and as far as I can tell are very happy.

That's great when it works.

It's not great when you're reading about children born to dysfunctional pessimists, abusive psychopaths and criminals. Pressure from age, society and family only increase the chances of overlooking and minimizing red flags clearly indicating someone who should not be responsible for a child.

If he's known this woman since they were teens surely he'd be aware if she was any of those things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

Relevant if you’re trying to have children. Unfortunately, women don’t have the same leisure as men to spend years. At that age, especially with having already known the person before dating, your discernment should be pretty finely tuned.

Yes if the goal is to just 'have children', by all means lower your standards and expectations for establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

Relevant if you’re trying to have children. Unfortunately, women don’t have the same leisure as men to spend years. At that age, especially with having already known the person before dating, your discernment should be pretty finely tuned.

Yes if the goal is to just 'have children', by all means lower your standards and expectations for establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

I mean then also, are you saying it was a good thing OP had an abortion? Because arguably an on and off relationship where they'd been fighting was worse situation to bring a kid into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If he's 37 and this is a life ling friend maybe they wanted to get a move on, especially if they wanted multiple kids.

My friend remarried and his wife was expecting after about a year of dating (they had both been married before, both very much wanted kids but hadn't had them in their first marriages) but they were 39, they didn't have time to wait. They've been together for five years now and have two kids and as far as I can tell are very happy.

That's great when it works.

It's not great when you're reading about children born to dysfunctional pessimists, abusive psychopaths and criminals. Pressure from age, society and family only increase the chances of overlooking and minimizing red flags clearly indicating someone who should not be responsible for a child.

If he's known this woman since they were teens surely he'd be aware if she was any of those things?

I'm not referring specifically to her.

We can only hope that she has thoroughly vetted him and is on solid ground expecting he will be competent father material, someone who could take full responsibility for the children should something happen to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

If you’re in your mid-late 30s?

Irrelevant when the goal is establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

Relevant if you’re trying to have children. Unfortunately, women don’t have the same leisure as men to spend years. At that age, especially with having already known the person before dating, your discernment should be pretty finely tuned.

Yes if the goal is to just 'have children', by all means lower your standards and expectations for establishing a stable healthy foundation for raising children.

I mean then also, are you saying it was a good thing OP had an abortion? Because arguably an on and off relationship where they'd been fighting was worse situation to bring a kid into.

Abortion is never a good thing. (Not to be obtuse)

I advocate multiple forms of birth control and two people committing to doing actual childcare to help understand what they are getting into before coming off birth control. If you're 37 and you must have children, by all means roll the dice and hope the other parent isn't a deadbeat or abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A. You're a troll doing an anti-abortion thing.

B. You're stupid. He told you he divorced over his wife's decision not to have kids. You took his lukewarm reaction as a signal he didn't want kids. He moved on to someone who actually really did want kids. And now you're left all by yourself with no kids. Congrats.

Pick A or B.

Either way, you're completely ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.

I didn’t add this part but before I got pregnant, months prior, I mentioned us moving into together and he didn’t want to. I got spooked by his reaction even more so because I thought, if he didn’t want to live together and he didn’t automatically jump for joy, I thought he didn’t want the baby?

OP.

Don't you see that you were the rebound relationship? He wanted a kid, but he wasn't sure that you were the right mother. It *might* have worked if you'd decided to keep the kid, or it might not. No one can tell you for sure.

I do have to push back on this man being a jerk. He's not. He did nothing wrong. He didn't cheat on you, lie to you, or do anything untoward. He wasn't all that enthused about you, and when you had the abortion, he realized that if he wanted children and marriage, he would need to get his act together and find someone else, so he left. And since he was super ready, he found someone else quickly and made it happen.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but objectively, he did nothing wrong. If roles were reversed (as they so often are), and it's the man who doesn't want kids, DCUM always tells the woman to leave the relationship so they can look for a man who does!

There is nothing hard to understand about any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A. You're a troll doing an anti-abortion thing.

B. You're stupid. He told you he divorced over his wife's decision not to have kids. You took his lukewarm reaction as a signal he didn't want kids. He moved on to someone who actually really did want kids. And now you're left all by yourself with no kids. Congrats.

Pick A or B.

Either way, you're completely ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.

I didn’t add this part but before I got pregnant, months prior, I mentioned us moving into together and he didn’t want to. I got spooked by his reaction even more so because I thought, if he didn’t want to live together and he didn’t automatically jump for joy, I thought he didn’t want the baby?

OP.

Don't you see that you were the rebound relationship? He wanted a kid, but he wasn't sure that you were the right mother. It *might* have worked if you'd decided to keep the kid, or it might not. No one can tell you for sure.

I do have to push back on this man being a jerk. He's not. He did nothing wrong. He didn't cheat on you, lie to you, or do anything untoward. He wasn't all that enthused about you, and when you had the abortion, he realized that if he wanted children and marriage, he would need to get his act together and find someone else, so he left. And since he was super ready, he found someone else quickly and made it happen.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but objectively, he did nothing wrong. If roles were reversed (as they so often are), and it's the man who doesn't want kids, DCUM always tells the woman to leave the relationship so they can look for a man who does!

There is nothing hard to understand about any of this.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our relationship took a nose dive after this. We had been fighting before this, but after this, it got a lot worse. We had a blow up and he told me he couldn’t do it anymore in mid-July 2024.

OP this was the most important part of your post to me.

You were with this guy 2.5 years, a lot of it casual.

This is supposed to be the fun part of the relationship where you are building nice memories. You don’t have a house, you don’t have kids, you aren’t wedding planning. There is literally no reason to be fighting.

A dating relationship that was troubled enough that you were fighting a lot and where he didn’t want a baby was NEVER going to end well. You dodged a bullet and you’re over here crying.

Also, getting pregnant before marriage is stupid. It just is. Don’t do that again.