My ex is married and has a baby due any day now. We haven’t been broken up two years yet…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex (37) and I were together on and off for 2.5 years (we started off casual, why the off). He had been divorced almost 3 years by the time we started seeing each other. He told me he didn’t really want to get remarried again, unless she was pregnant (his ex wife decided after they were married she didn’t want kids - why they broke up). 2 years into our relationship I got pregnant. I told him and he didn’t immediately jump for joy, or say anything really except for “okay”, so I reacted very quickly and told him I wasn’t going to keep it. To which he said, “I’ll support whatever you decide”. So, I got an abortion. Our relationship took a nose dive after this. We had been fighting before this, but after this, it got a lot worse. We had a blow up and he told me he couldn’t do it anymore in mid-July 2024.

I find out that October he was in a relationship with someone else and they started seeing each other in late August. They announced their engagement in February this year, and then announced the pregnancy a week ago. She looks so pretty far along, like 8/9 months far along. This means she’s been pregnant since last year, which also means she got pregnant within a year of them being together. Today I find out that they’re officially married? Apparently this is someone he met/has known since college.…

Honestly, I’m crushed. How could he move on so quickly and in such a major way? It hasn’t even been a full two years since we broke up. I got pregnant first but she gets the family and the marriage? My head is spinning a bit.

Ok so you killed his child and you’re still pining over him. Sounds like he dodged a head case with you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. Bad guy to encourage an abortion. You truly dodged a bullet. It may take 2 or 5 or 10 years, but the chickens always come home to roost and one day you'll be with a great guy and be thankful you didn't get stuck with this one.

OP doesn't say he "encouraged" an abortion. She says he said he's support whatever she wanted to do. Big difference, and further proof that men on DCUM can't win.

I'm the PP, a 45 yo married man, father of 4 daughters. I can put 2 and 2 together. This guy was an @$$hole and yes, encouraged the abortion. A man like this should never win on DCUM or anywhere else. At 37 any man needs to be ready to step up and support a child he creates.

Are you married to a man or woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

People need childcare experience before having children? How would that work - mandatory time for 18 yos working in childcare centers, like the Israeli army? Enforced contraception before completing your stint at a daycare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A. You're a troll doing an anti-abortion thing.

B. You're stupid. He told you he divorced over his wife's decision not to have kids. You took his lukewarm reaction as a signal he didn't want kids. He moved on to someone who actually really did want kids. And now you're left all by yourself with no kids. Congrats.

Pick A or B.

Either way, you're completely ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.

I didn’t add this part but before I got pregnant, months prior, I mentioned us moving into together and he didn’t want to. I got spooked by his reaction even more so because I thought, if he didn’t want to live together and he didn’t automatically jump for joy, I thought he didn’t want the baby?

OP.

Don't you see that you were the rebound relationship? He wanted a kid, but he wasn't sure that you were the right mother. It *might* have worked if you'd decided to keep the kid, or it might not. No one can tell you for sure.

I do have to push back on this man being a jerk. He's not. He did nothing wrong. He didn't cheat on you, lie to you, or do anything untoward. He wasn't all that enthused about you, and when you had the abortion, he realized that if he wanted children and marriage, he would need to get his act together and find someone else, so he left. And since he was super ready, he found someone else quickly and made it happen.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but objectively, he did nothing wrong. If roles were reversed (as they so often are), and it's the man who doesn't want kids, DCUM always tells the woman to leave the relationship so they can look for a man who does!

There is nothing hard to understand about any of this.

This is all spot on, except the bolded - he was sure that OP wasn't the right partner for him, and therefore not the right mother for his child.

[Anonymous]

You said the last several months of your relationship had gone downhill. It’s really no surprise that he moved on a few months later.

[Anonymous]

Why weren’t you using birth control? Sounds like you were trying to trap him when he rebuffed your suggestions to move in together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. Bad guy to encourage an abortion. You truly dodged a bullet. It may take 2 or 5 or 10 years, but the chickens always come home to roost and one day you'll be with a great guy and be thankful you didn't get stuck with this one.

OP doesn't say he "encouraged" an abortion. She says he said he's support whatever she wanted to do. Big difference, and further proof that men on DCUM can't win.

I'm the PP, a 45 yo married man, father of 4 daughters. I can put 2 and 2 together. This guy was an @$$hole and yes, encouraged the abortion. A man like this should never win on DCUM or anywhere else. At 37 any man needs to be ready to step up and support a child he creates.

Are you married to a man or woman?

A woman. I didn't buy my daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let this go.

He knew the other person a lot longer. Plus his relationship with you may have changed his thinking in unknowable ways, good or bad.

He probably told you what he thought he should say...that it was up to you what to do.

The fact that you decided the way you did suggests you weren't madly in love with him. And his reaction suggests he wasn't madly in love with you. So you parted.

You can complain a little about how unfair the universe is but I don't think you lost out on a great dad and husband. Move on.

I was madly in love with him though. I decided what I did because I thought he didn’t want the baby.

Honey, you’re better off. I’m your alternate future, and it isn’t pretty. I had an honest conversation with my fiancé when I became pregnant unexpectedly (while using 2 forms of birth control!). At the time ex said he was excited and wanted to continue the pregnancy, but after the birth it became clear he was not into the marriage or parenting. What a disaster for me and the kid.

Count yourself lucky you escaped this guy. Do some individual therapy (it’s a big betrayal) and work on creating your best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how any of this has to do with you. You were out of the picture.

This. And the timeline isn't that crazy to me. He already knew her so that saves a ton of time in the getting to know you steps. Baby and married in 2 years? Not that crazy

DP

Not that crazy, but should be crazy.

I've been reading DCUM long enough and people need more time and childcare experience before having children of their own.

People need childcare experience before having children? How would that work - mandatory time for 18 yos working in childcare centers, like the Israeli army? Enforced contraception before completing your stint at a daycare?

You volunteer to watch children. Many people would welcome the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A. You're a troll doing an anti-abortion thing.

B. You're stupid. He told you he divorced over his wife's decision not to have kids. You took his lukewarm reaction as a signal he didn't want kids. He moved on to someone who actually really did want kids. And now you're left all by yourself with no kids. Congrats.

Pick A or B.

Either way, you're completely ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.

I didn’t add this part but before I got pregnant, months prior, I mentioned us moving into together and he didn’t want to. I got spooked by his reaction even more so because I thought, if he didn’t want to live together and he didn’t automatically jump for joy, I thought he didn’t want the baby?

OP.

Don't you see that you were the rebound relationship? He wanted a kid, but he wasn't sure that you were the right mother. It *might* have worked if you'd decided to keep the kid, or it might not. No one can tell you for sure.

I do have to push back on this man being a jerk. He's not. He did nothing wrong. He didn't cheat on you, lie to you, or do anything untoward. He wasn't all that enthused about you, and when you had the abortion, he realized that if he wanted children and marriage, he would need to get his act together and find someone else, so he left. And since he was super ready, he found someone else quickly and made it happen.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but objectively, he did nothing wrong. If roles were reversed (as they so often are), and it's the man who doesn't want kids, DCUM always tells the woman to leave the relationship so they can look for a man who does!

There is nothing hard to understand about any of this.

This is all spot on, except the bolded - he was sure that OP wasn't the right partner for him, and therefore not the right mother for his child.

How did you come to this conclusion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let this go.

He knew the other person a lot longer. Plus his relationship with you may have changed his thinking in unknowable ways, good or bad.

He probably told you what he thought he should say...that it was up to you what to do.

The fact that you decided the way you did suggests you weren't madly in love with him. And his reaction suggests he wasn't madly in love with you. So you parted.

You can complain a little about how unfair the universe is but I don't think you lost out on a great dad and husband. Move on.

I was madly in love with him though. I decided what I did because I thought he didn’t want the baby.

Did you even ask him? Or just make a massive decision based on an assumption?

[Anonymous]

Op, get over it and focus on your life. He is done and you should be glad it didn't work out with him. He has right to enjoy his life with his new partner the way he likes, so do you.

[Anonymous]

“Count yourself lucky you escaped this guy.”

It didn’t seem like he was chasing her.

[Anonymous]

Move On

[Anonymous]

Let it go, OP. How fast he moved on, why he moved on, whether he wanted the baby, etc. all are irrelevant to you at this point. Continuing to dwell on these things and second guess decisions you made will only upset you and make it more difficult to move on. He wasn’t the one - focus on finding the man who is.