Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

I think you should save for your mom's old age needs. My parents never expected me to help them, but they ran out of money with about 5 years more to live (both deceased now). I paid rent and other expenses for those years. You will not be able to say no then, so save now.

The other thing I did was rent a beach condo for everyone every summer. We ate in and took turns cooking, but it was appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Don't give her any money until she has the lower man pay child support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

crabs in a bucket

Just was about to type this! DH and I are the only ones who went to college. We had to establish we aren’t a bank. We sat down and thought strategically what we will fund when requests come in. And they do and are never ending.

We pay for emergency necessities only for some family members but don’t announce this policy. We regularly have to lie and say our hours have gotten reduced, we have student loans, we have medical costs, we are late on mortgage, etc.

These are examples of emergencies; nephew needs glasses for school but can’t get another pair because insurance won’t pay for 2 pairs. Sister in law who works two jobs car breaks down so we help pay for repairs so she can continue working. Another sister in law who isn’t working but somehow has money to go to concerts gets not a penny for car repair.

Yep, same dynamic in my white, poor family. I joined the military and then paid for my own college. Didn't hear a word from family members until I got my current job. Now I get calls from cousins, siblings, nieces/nephews. All unable to work a full time job, but somehow can pay for cigarettes, tattoos, alcohol and concerts.

[Anonymous]

This is so odd to me.

[Anonymous]

OP I posted already, but wanted to say a few more things. If you agreed to pay for SAT prep, give her the money for that, but make it clear that is it. You have debt. Set the boundaries clearly.

Your mom was cheap and gross to ask for her money back, but I would give it and make it clear you will not accept any more gifts since she expects payment and set the financial boundaries reminding her of your debt.

Also, brace yourself. I was taken advantage of by my family with favors and other things and could not rely on them at all. My husband was taken advantage of by his family financially. Once the boundaries are set, the fallout can be major. Be prepared to find out who they are-TAKERS. There may be drama, chaos, insults, guilt trips and manipulations. It helps to have a therapist to support you through this and through attempting to keep a relationship. They may never be able to stop being takers. In my case, it was one sided and once I stopped with my one side, they had no use for me. Please make sure you have support for when you find out it wasn't a relationship. It was more of a parasite type existence-they leech and when there is no more to leech it's done. Hopefully you will have better luck than we did.

[Anonymous]

I would say that going forward, no gifts between adults. If someone asks for money, say you only give gifts to children. Or you’re paying off debts. I would really talk up your debt.

I’ve also seen people ask others for money just so that no one asks them for money. If your mom asks for money you say “actually I’m struggling to pay rent, would you be able to help me out.” It will make it so no one asks you for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so odd to me.

Same. My parents would be homeless before they asked me for money. They would be taking money away from their own grandkids if they took money from me. Money, like shit, flows downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.


Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

Hilarious that you are telling op to live like she's a starving artist but you expect her to save money for her sister and mother both who seem unreasonably entitled to the money she is making from her new job.

She's lost her job 2ce in 3 years. In this environment, it will happen again. No one has job security and she should be living like she's poor to deal with that, not to save money for fully functional adults who made life choices that made sure they stay poor.

Your mother didn't give you a birthday or Christmas gift. Do not give her gifts for either. Doing what she did is despicable. You don't asked to be paid for gifts. Awful.

Never talk money with them.

No more financial gifts for sister. You need to back up quickly when someone assumes they have dibs on your money.

You save money for yourself. Do not set up a fund for your family. That's insane. Go read about the crab pot mentality of poverty.

What you are suggesting is that OP cuts all ties with her family. Right? Is that what she wants? She is a single woman who has come from a not affluent family with dysfunction. Her own family has supported her through joblessness etc, and she has reached where she has reached through their support. If OP does not want to cut all ties with her family, then she needs to have some money set aside for dire situations when her family needs her help. My idea to have a secret fund in case her family asks her for money in dire situations is a good one. OP is not an orphan. She is a normal human being who does not hate her family.

She does need to return the money (or just the laptop) to her mom. Even if her mom makes more money than OP, the gift giving goes both ways. (Most probably mom will give OP's returned money to her daughter who has 3 kids.)
If OP wants to stop giving financial gifts to her family, then she needs to return the money /gifts they may have spent on her. Yes, it was a gift...but OP comes from a family that is expecting her to give financial gifts to them. She needs to return their gifts and only then can she stop giving money to them.

After that, she needs to live a life of frugality for some years so that she is free of all debt. OP needs to take some online lessons on how to do that, because her family training and culture is not conducive to financial freedom and prosperity.

You must live in a different world than me. My family would never in a million years ask for handouts. If it were a dire situation, I’m willing to feed people at my house but I’d never give money out. Besides, I’ve seen how much my relatives get for food stamps and housing. No one should be starving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so odd to me.

Same. My parents would be homeless before they asked me for money. They would be taking money away from their own grandkids if they took money from me. Money, like shit, flows downhill.

Op here. I think it's odd also. Fortunately, my dad is not like this, mostly because he (and my stepmom) are upper middle class and financially stable. Unfortunately since I don't have children, I can't use them as an excuse. My mom is married, but my step-dad is very stingy and also not the best with money. So technically we are not(and were not) poor, just bad money management.

[Anonymous]

Resist the urge to pay for family members mistakes, simply because they’re family. My own kids have never asked me for money. We teach ppl how to treat us although I understand this could be a cultural difference.

[Anonymous]

Do not talk to them about money. Ever. Do not tell them how much you make, just say it’s enough to meet your needs. If you g on vacation do not tell them. Period. Stop involving them in your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not talk to them about money. Ever. Do not tell them how much you make, just say it’s enough to meet your needs. If you g on vacation do not tell them. Period. Stop involving them in your business.

Plenty of jobs have posted salaries. For instance I’m a fed and anyone can look up my salary. It used to make me feel unsafe and I did get requests for money because of that.

Op if you were in undergrad 20 years ago you must be 40 and need to be saving nonstop for your own retirement to catch up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not talk to them about money. Ever. Do not tell them how much you make, just say it’s enough to meet your needs. If you g on vacation do not tell them. Period. Stop involving them in your business.

Plenty of jobs have posted salaries. For instance I’m a fed and anyone can look up my salary. It used to make me feel unsafe and I did get requests for money because of that.

Op if you were in undergrad 20 years ago you must be 40 and need to be saving nonstop for your own retirement to catch up.

Yes, that is my plan personal and retirement savings, next to decreasing debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

crabs in a bucket

Just was about to type this! DH and I are the only ones who went to college. We had to establish we aren’t a bank. We sat down and thought strategically what we will fund when requests come in. And they do and are never ending.

We pay for emergency necessities only for some family members but don’t announce this policy. We regularly have to lie and say our hours have gotten reduced, we have student loans, we have medical costs, we are late on mortgage, etc.

These are examples of emergencies; nephew needs glasses for school but can’t get another pair because insurance won’t pay for 2 pairs. Sister in law who works two jobs car breaks down so we help pay for repairs so she can continue working. Another sister in law who isn’t working but somehow has money to go to concerts gets not a penny for car repair.

Yep, same dynamic in my white, poor family. I joined the military and then paid for my own college. Didn't hear a word from family members until I got my current job. Now I get calls from cousins, siblings, nieces/nephews. All unable to work a full time job, but somehow can pay for cigarettes, tattoos, alcohol and concerts.

Exactly but the requests are never for cigarettes, tattoos or concerts. Instead they are to pay the electric, water, gas bill because they wasted all their money on an expenses like a concert I would never pay for because of being financially responsible. Then they tell other family members you wouldn't throw them a few bucks to pay so their poor kids won't have to sit in the dark with a candle trying to do homework or some other sob story.

So in my mind the people requesting aren't being truthful why they need the money, then we have no qualms lying all the time to them how we have no money. We actually have a bank account that has around $150 that we keep open because we print out the first page of that statement on a table next to the mail when people come over because they glance at it and think that is all we have. I used to stress about all the requests but then realized I was getting more stressed than the people asking. So now I just say sorry we just don't have it. And keep repeating that.

To the people who don't have family like this, you have no idea the stress it can cause. You or your spouse get a raise and realize you can't tell anyone about it because people will not just congratulate you they will then ask you for money. You say no you won't lend or give them money but their credit is ruined so then they ask you to be a co-signer. They want to order something on Amazon but have no valid credit card and ask you to buy it for you and they will pay you back. There are so many ways to ask for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

crabs in a bucket

Just was about to type this! DH and I are the only ones who went to college. We had to establish we aren’t a bank. We sat down and thought strategically what we will fund when requests come in. And they do and are never ending.

We pay for emergency necessities only for some family members but don’t announce this policy. We regularly have to lie and say our hours have gotten reduced, we have student loans, we have medical costs, we are late on mortgage, etc.

These are examples of emergencies; nephew needs glasses for school but can’t get another pair because insurance won’t pay for 2 pairs. Sister in law who works two jobs car breaks down so we help pay for repairs so she can continue working. Another sister in law who isn’t working but somehow has money to go to concerts gets not a penny for car repair.

Yep, same dynamic in my white, poor family. I joined the military and then paid for my own college. Didn't hear a word from family members until I got my current job. Now I get calls from cousins, siblings, nieces/nephews. All unable to work a full time job, but somehow can pay for cigarettes, tattoos, alcohol and concerts.

Exactly but the requests are never for cigarettes, tattoos or concerts. Instead they are to pay the electric, water, gas bill because they wasted all their money on an expenses like a concert I would never pay for because of being financially responsible. Then they tell other family members you wouldn't throw them a few bucks to pay so their poor kids won't have to sit in the dark with a candle trying to do homework or some other sob story.

So in my mind the people requesting aren't being truthful why they need the money, then we have no qualms lying all the time to them how we have no money. We actually have a bank account that has around $150 that we keep open because we print out the first page of that statement on a table next to the mail when people come over because they glance at it and think that is all we have. I used to stress about all the requests but then realized I was getting more stressed than the people asking. So now I just say sorry we just don't have it. And keep repeating that.

To the people who don't have family like this, you have no idea the stress it can cause. You or your spouse get a raise and realize you can't tell anyone about it because people will not just congratulate you they will then ask you for money. You say no you won't lend or give them money but their credit is ruined so then they ask you to be a co-signer. They want to order something on Amazon but have no valid credit card and ask you to buy it for you and they will pay you back. There are so many ways to ask for money.

Op here. This is exactly right. I had a relative who was financially savvy, who pretty much supported random family members in this way before passing away. There were times that they helped me as well, of course I used the opportunities to elevate myself and it was truly when I fell on hard times when losing my job. My other relatives look at these situations as handouts.