Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

And, do not talk about your vacation plans either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

Alcoholics have established behaviors but never heard of this?

[Anonymous]

Just say NO

[Anonymous]

You need to tie up your money so that it's hard for them to pressure you for. Pay down your debts. Put money in a 401k and then you can use it when you're ready to buy a home. Keep your lifestyle very un-flashy to the extent they can see it. When anyone asks you for money, direct them to other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

you said you are getting double pay. what does that look like? depending on where that leaves you you may not be ro
lling in the dough like they seem to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I wondered the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.


Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

Hilarious that you are telling op to live like she's a starving artist but you expect her to save money for her sister and mother both who seem unreasonably entitled to the money she is making from her new job.

She's lost her job 2ce in 3 years. In this environment, it will happen again. No one has job security and she should be living like she's poor to deal with that, not to save money for fully functional adults who made life choices that made sure they stay poor.

Your mother didn't give you a birthday or Christmas gift. Do not give her gifts for either. Doing what she did is despicable. You don't asked to be paid for gifts. Awful.

Never talk money with them.

No more financial gifts for sister. You need to back up quickly when someone assumes they have dibs on your money.

You save money for yourself. Do not set up a fund for your family. That's insane. Go read about the crab pot mentality of poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

Tell your sister no "gift" and reiterate your previous offer. How would Sis have handled her financial issues without you? Tell her to go after her children’s father for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

just ignore all that bullshit. if she got herself three kids and no husband, that is her problem, not yours.

I agree. The first time, I gave her a pass. Considering that her oldest kid is almost a senior and the youngest was born earlier this year, I'm not sympathetic at all. Especially since she is technically not in the middle class bracket that we grew up in, but is living like she is. She refuses to believe that she is lower income. Our parents help her out financially quite a bit.

This is crazy. I wouldn't be giving her a cent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop over sharing about money & your salary.

Pay your mother back & for your niece/nephews SAT. Your sisters poor life choices is not your problem or burden.

Stop w the gift giving you can’t afford and guilt gifting.

That seems fair. I do not intend on doing anything else for them. I haven't been on vacation in years and I really want to take myself on a decent vacation this summer.

In addition to not talking about money with your family, you need to have a more realistic plan for your own money.

You said you're not going to have your debt paid off for 2-3 years. That means no vacations for 2-3 years! This is financial 101, OP.

You said you make "splurges" on some clothes and beauty things that add up. You can't afford that while you still have debt, OP!

You said you're the first person in your family to graduate and it sounds like you're aiming for a career that breaks away from your family's typical careers. That's great, but i think it's really common for people who grew up poor to not have a good sense of financial planning once they have a slightly higher salary. It sounds like your new job is decent but not great money. You've also lost your job twice in 3 years, which tells me this one isn't guaranteed. I think you need to tighten the reins a lot on your financial plan.

Agreed. These things jumped out for me too. Including saying that she was used to staying alone and did not want roommates. Her housing plan was either to find a romantic partner or buy a house. Not saying that OP's feelings are not valid, but she has to understand that to get out of debt, to build an emergency fund and to start saving for retirement etc are goals that cannot be put on the back burner.

[Anonymous]

Give Mom the laptop back. Tell her it's a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

I knew it. Also Af-Am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

This is exactly how poor people fail to build real wealth. UMC and UC typically don’t have these burdens because their families don’t expect anything. That said - if I were you I’d never brag or tell them how much you make. Tell them “yes, this is a nice bump that will help me to pay down the mountains of debt I acquired that my peers don’t have”. I wouldn’t do hand outs EVER. Sure pay for an SAT prep course or get mom a gift, but nothing expected. And if your mom want you to pay her back for a gift I’d do it and tell her “please don’t get me gifts that I need to pay back again. This is really uncomfortable for me”.

[Anonymous]

Go on a modest vacation. One that you can pay for outright. Do not tell anyone. Even friends will inadvertently tell leeches you are vacationing on money you should have "given" them.

Tell your mother here is the repayment you asked for for the laptop. Since it was your birthday/Christmas gift to me, this was very sad for me. Therefore I am asking you not to give me any more gifts of any kind. Ever. I will refuse them if you try to. [That was really a low thing for her to do.]

Find the price of the prep course set it aside. Pay the provider directly.

I would never let them come to your home. They will ask for stuff.