Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

You aren't obligated to pay for any of their wants. First get rid of your debt and get an emergency fund in place. After that you can think of charity or gifts to them but without breaking your bank. You have to send 20% of your income automatically to a money market account or investment account before even spending on your own non-essentials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.

Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

+1 for all of the advice listed above. Very good way to live for the next several years.

[Anonymous]

Your only obligation is if a family member is going hungry or can't buy life saving medicine. No help to people who spend their money on alcohol, drugs, shopping, nails, hair or things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.

Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

The only time they will stop asking you for money is when your standard of living and conspicuous consumption is less than them. Point out to them each time they spend on anything other than basics. And do not take any gifts or hand-me-downs from them.

I am adding this because you identified as AA. I am a minority too and for various reasons in my community too, the person doing well is supposed to bankroll the family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that because you can really elevate your family out of poverty and bad decisions through economic help. However, you really need to be hyper-focussed on making sure that you are also solvent, debt-free and can withstand job losses etc.

Also, you want to help your family become financially self-reliant. So paying for long-term goals education, skills acquisition, safe housing, better health etc is great.

( For someone like your sister - I would pay her to have her tubes tied. She sounds like a hot mess. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.

Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

+1 for all of the advice listed above. Very good way to live for the next several years.

I have a one bedroom apartment that's fine, but I'd be okay with living here until I move in with a partner or purchase a home. I really don't want to have a roommate otherwise since I've been on my own for years. I don't mind cooking in often or buying cheaper clothing, but this role is client facing where presence matters, so I may splurge here and there. Plus beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly.

[Anonymous]

Well, if you're a close-knit family and they helped you when you were down, I think you cannot turn your back on them, but you need to manage their expectations and help for actually important things.

First, never talk about your salary. They seem like they're the sort to ask point blank, and you've answered in the past, so try to change that dynamic.

Second, your sister needs long term support. You can't give that, but you can pay lip service to that, by paying for the test prep course yourself, for each of her kids down the road.

Third, your mother cannot suddenly ask for reimbursement for a gift. That's just rude. You were right to push back.

Fourth, never give cash to people. Pay for specific bills, goods or services, so that you control where the money goes. That's a very important rule. It's too easy to become accustomed to cash flow from a benefactor, waste it on frivolous stuff, then be ungrateful for it.

Fifth, if your family is that hung up on your money, expect conflict going forward. You will need to manage that, not avoid it. You are right to propel yourself forward and protect your finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

just ignore all that bullshit. if she got herself three kids and no husband, that is her problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

and never talk about money with them...EVER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

just ignore all that bullshit. if she got herself three kids and no husband, that is her problem, not yours.

I agree. The first time, I gave her a pass. Considering that her oldest kid is almost a senior and the youngest was born earlier this year, I'm not sympathetic at all. Especially since she is technically not in the middle class bracket that we grew up in, but is living like she is. She refuses to believe that she is lower income. Our parents help her out financially quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

You need more boundaries around money. Do not share your salary with ANYONE. If they can look it up, so be it, but do not discuss. Do make clear your priority is paying off debt. Also, figure out your financial help limits and set them verbally. Work with a therapist so you can set firm boundaries and not keep changing them. Sadly, too often when we set boundaries with dysfunctional families we find they "loved" us for what we would do for them and there's no unconditional love. That's what DH and I found. When the bank of you or free labor gets limited, they don't feel gratitude for what you did until then, they feel rage that you are no longer east to use. When people show you who they are believe them. Remain calm and professional, but don't cave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop over sharing about money & your salary.

Pay your mother back & for your niece/nephews SAT. Your sisters poor life choices is not your problem or burden.

Stop w the gift giving you can’t afford and guilt gifting.

That seems fair. I do not intend on doing anything else for them. I haven't been on vacation in years and I really want to take myself on a decent vacation this summer.

Don’t tell them you’re going on vacation.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate everyone's advice! I am still open to other thoughts and comments.

[Anonymous]

Learn to say no. Plenty of sat prep free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop over sharing about money & your salary.

Pay your mother back & for your niece/nephews SAT. Your sisters poor life choices is not your problem or burden.

Stop w the gift giving you can’t afford and guilt gifting.

That seems fair. I do not intend on doing anything else for them. I haven't been on vacation in years and I really want to take myself on a decent vacation this summer.

In addition to not talking about money with your family, you need to have a more realistic plan for your own money.

You said you're not going to have your debt paid off for 2-3 years. That means no vacations for 2-3 years! This is financial 101, OP.

You said you make "splurges" on some clothes and beauty things that add up. You can't afford that while you still have debt, OP!

You said you're the first person in your family to graduate and it sounds like you're aiming for a career that breaks away from your family's typical careers. That's great, but i think it's really common for people who grew up poor to not have a good sense of financial planning once they have a slightly higher salary. It sounds like your new job is decent but not great money. You've also lost your job twice in 3 years, which tells me this one isn't guaranteed. I think you need to tighten the reins a lot on your financial plan.