Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

Give your mom the laptop back.

Do not give anyone a single cent.

I’d honestly go low contact. They are major users and don’t seem to actually care about you.

[Anonymous]

^also I say to give back the laptop not because you have to, but because it’s something they won’t be able to hold over your head. And you *know* that she doesn’t want the laptop or care, she just wants cash. But by giving her it back, she can’t use that against you any longer.

[Anonymous]

Agree about laptop. Be sure to wipe it and restore to factory settings so they cannot get any of your data.

Actually on second thought this is enough if a pain that if you like the laptop and it's new just repay her.

[Anonymous]

Personally I’d rather give her the laptop and buy myself a brand new one (even the exact one). Do not give that leech any money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prepared for this

I asked them for their own bank account statements and records of credit card expenses for things they spend their money on.

So far they think that's a wildly intrusive request, even as they want my money.

😅😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d rather give her the laptop and buy myself a brand new one (even the exact one). Do not give that leech any money.

OP here. I know she wants the money. She's helping my sibling with some things and has another financial obligation that recently came about, none of those have anything to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it’s an incredible waste of money to sign up for an SAT or ACT tutoring service. Khan Academy is free and there are other free options. The only thing a $2000 SAT tutoring service does is make your unmotivated child sit there and do it.

For the demand from your mother to pay her back for the gift she gave you, you should see if she did indeed spend $1000 for it. It very well could be a $300-$500 on sale or close out or fenced item. Honestly, I would tell her that you are shocked she is asking for a gift reimbursement and to in the future not get you gifts. Personally, I wouldn’t refund her but if you do don’t do it without receipts. I’d bet she is padding the amount to hand over more money to your sister.

My answer would depend somewhat on whether family members bailed you out when you were down and out.

Give your mother the laptop back. Tell your sister and anyone else who expects money, “I’m not in a position to be able to contribute to your finances.” No further explanation needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not share your salary, your job title, your promotions, your new purchases, your vacation information. Nothing regarding money. Nothing.

I know you want to share, you are proud of yourself (you should be), and want them to be proud of you. But to them you are a bank. You cannot get ahead with your debt and other lifestyle wants if you allow them to cross this boundary, be co-dependent, and so emeshed.

I have BTDT. My two siblings constantly asked me for money. My mother asks me for money (a lot of money). In the past I helped them out of guilt, but it just never had an end in sight so I started saying no. There was anger on their part, but I have my own debt, my own kids, my own mortgage to pay. I work super hard. I had had enough.

I was very hurt by the way they treated me after I started saying no. But it showed me how they really viewed me . As $$$$$$.

It doesn't matter if it is cultural. You are under no obligation. Talk to your friends about your good fortunes, vacation, new job. Do not share with your family. It is what it is, you know it, It sucks but that's the deal.

I had to stop sharing vacation photos on social media or in group texts to any of my in-laws, including MIL and FIL. Now they get nothing from me. Every time they saw pictures of us happy and enjoying what we've earned, they call with a handout and a sob story. Less sharing has helped lessen their requests.

OP here, I've luckily dwindled down on social media posting. Mostly because I've become more of a private person the older I get. Plus, as I've moved up the financial ladder, people have wondered how I've been able to do certain activities.

Not posting on social media or looking at social media is emotionally protective. Social media is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it’s an incredible waste of money to sign up for an SAT or ACT tutoring service. Khan Academy is free and there are other free options. The only thing a $2000 SAT tutoring service does is make your unmotivated child sit there and do it.

For the demand from your mother to pay her back for the gift she gave you, you should see if she did indeed spend $1000 for it. It very well could be a $300-$500 on sale or close out or fenced item. Honestly, I would tell her that you are shocked she is asking for a gift reimbursement and to in the future not get you gifts. Personally, I wouldn’t refund her but if you do don’t do it without receipts. I’d bet she is padding the amount to hand over more money to your sister.

My answer would depend somewhat on whether family members bailed you out when you were down and out.

Give your mother the laptop back. Tell your sister and anyone else who expects money, “I’m not in a position to be able to contribute to your finances.” No further explanation needed.

Yes, my family did help me, which I then improved my financial situation(moved up in my career). My sister for example just expects hand outs and doesn't have the motivation to do better. Dropped out of college, hopped from retail to customer service jobs(many times just walking out and never coming back), continues to have children, etc. She doesn't really have a plan for the future. I don't want to give money to someone who isn't going to level up.

And for my mom, I don't mind giving her money(if she were to visit and I'd pay for her or just give her money on holidays, etc), but to ask payment for something that was clearly a gift is outrageous! The laptop was purchased this summer and she now wants money because she assumes that I'll have it.

[Anonymous]

OP you're adding to the problem if you don't think, don't recognize that their behavior is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prepared for this

I asked them for their own bank account statements and records of credit card expenses for things they spend their money on.

So far they think that's a wildly intrusive request, even as they want my money.

This is actually brilliant PP! And fair. If someone is happy to take your money than they should also be willing to share their information with you. It is the cost of taking your money. Brilliant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you're adding to the problem if you don't think, don't recognize that their behavior is weird.

I know it's weird behavior, which is why I made the post. I want to avoid or at least minimize the issue in the future as I really need to focus on my personal financial goals.

[Anonymous]

But you think the money you got is different than a handout. They may not think that.
How much did you get?
Pay them back $100 a month and nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

I thought you were talking about people in Alcoholics Anonymous.

[Anonymous]

This is dysfunctional enmeshment. Dysfunctional families treat your losses like your losses, but your wins like they are their wins. When you hit a rough patch, they scatter, but when you hit a winning streak, they reappear and want a piece of it. They will try to guilt you and tell you how family is sacrifice. What they don't tell you is that they've made YOU the sacrifice. Just say no to all of it.