Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

#1 do not talk about money. If you already did, you've made a grave mistake. #2 no is a complete sentence. #3 get a good therapist

[Anonymous]

Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 do not talk about money. If you already did, you've made a grave mistake. #2 no is a complete sentence. #3 get a good therapist

Time to separate a little and become your own person. Take care of your future self by speaking clearly and not allowing yourself to be manipulated.

It will take practice. Expect blowback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I am.

[Anonymous]

Don't bicker with them. Gray rock if you need to

No one can make you release money to them.

Doing nothing will give you the result you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 do not talk about money. If you already did, you've made a grave mistake. #2 no is a complete sentence. #3 get a good therapist

I'm in therapy luckily. My family doesn't know my exact salary because I won't tell them, but they know the estimated range due to the job title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.

Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 do not talk about money. If you already did, you've made a grave mistake. #2 no is a complete sentence. #3 get a good therapist

+1

[Anonymous]

Stop over sharing about money & your salary.

Pay your mother back & for your niece/nephews SAT. Your sisters poor life choices is not your problem or burden.

Stop w the gift giving you can’t afford and guilt gifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.

Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

That seems fair. If I stick to a budget, I can have a decent savings and my debt paid in 2 years, possibly 3. This is assuming that I stay in the same role the entire time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop over sharing about money & your salary.

Pay your mother back & for your niece/nephews SAT. Your sisters poor life choices is not your problem or burden.

Stop w the gift giving you can’t afford and guilt gifting.

That seems fair. I do not intend on doing anything else for them. I haven't been on vacation in years and I really want to take myself on a decent vacation this summer.