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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that.  I’m sorry OP.[/quote]

I was thinking Hispanic [/quote]

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves. [/quote]

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.[/quote]

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

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Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it. [/quote]

crabs in a bucket[/quote]

Just was about to type this! DH and I are the only ones who went to college. We had to establish we aren’t a bank. We sat down and thought strategically what we will fund when requests come in. And they do and are never ending.

We pay for emergency necessities only for some family members but don’t announce this policy. We regularly have to lie and say our hours have gotten reduced, we have student loans, we have medical costs, we are late on mortgage, etc.

These are examples of emergencies; nephew needs glasses for school but can’t get another pair because insurance won’t pay for 2 pairs. Sister in law who works two jobs car breaks down so we help pay for repairs so she can continue working. Another sister in law who isn’t working but somehow has money to go to concerts gets not a penny for car repair. 
[/quote]

Yep, same dynamic in my white, poor family.  I joined the military and then paid for my own college.  Didn't hear a word from family members until I got my current job.  Now I get calls from cousins, siblings, nieces/nephews.  All unable to work a full time job, but somehow can pay for cigarettes, tattoos, alcohol and concerts.[/quote]

Exactly but the requests are never for cigarettes, tattoos or concerts. Instead they are to pay the electric, water, gas bill because they wasted all their money on an expenses like a concert I would never pay for because of being financially responsible. Then they tell other family members you wouldn't throw them a few bucks to pay so their poor kids won't have to sit in the dark with a candle trying to do homework or some other sob story.

So in my mind the people requesting aren't being truthful why they need the money, then we have no qualms lying all the time to them how we have no money. We actually have a bank account that has around $150 that we keep open because we print out the first page of that statement on a table next to the mail when people come over because they glance at it and think that is all we have. I used to stress about all the requests but then realized I was getting more stressed than the people asking. So now I just say sorry we just don't have it. And keep repeating that.

To the people who don't have family like this, you have no idea the stress it can cause. You or your spouse get a raise and realize you can't tell anyone about it because people will not just congratulate you they will then ask you for money. You say no you won't lend or give them money but their credit is ruined so then they ask you to be a co-signer. They want to order something on Amazon but have no valid credit card and ask you to buy it for you and they will pay you back. There are so many ways to ask for money. [/quote]

Op here. This is exactly right. I had a relative who was financially savvy, who pretty much supported random family members in this way before passing away. There were times that they helped me as well, of course I used the opportunities to elevate myself and it was truly when I fell on hard times when losing my job. My other relatives look at these situations as handouts. [/quote]

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